I can’t hold all of my children today, but I am dreaming of them. Here I am with all of their names on my necklace and on their arrows in our quiver. I never thought I’d be mommy of nine!

How I love my precious littles! Gabriel (without prompting) told me this morning in the car that he can’t wait to get to heaven so he can meet God and his sisters. That boy melts my heart in so many ways.
He wrote me a Mother’s Day card for the first time. And he picked me wildflowers! (In addition to helping his daddy make me breakfast in bed!)

Here I am with my two redheaded miracles. My heart overflows with gladness. They rise up and make me blessed!!

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her.
Proverbs 31:28

Tags: Asher Timothy, Celebrations, Gabriel David

Some pictures:

A Scripture passage:

Colossians 3:1-17
If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them.
But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him, where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all.
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

A prayer:

Worker of wonders,
Continue to make my [family] righteous, so that [we] may have peace, quietness, and security forever. O Lord, be gracious to [us]; I wait for You. Be [our] arm every morning, [our] salvation in the time of trouble. For You are exalted, for You dwell in high; fill [us] with justice and righteousness, and be the stability of [our] days, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; let the fear of You be [our] treasure. Arise, O Lord, lift Yourself up; be exalted in [our family].
Help [us] to become [a family] who walks righteously and speaks uprightly, who despises the gain of oppressions, who shakes [our] hands, let they hold a bribe, who stops [our] ears from hearing of bloodshed and shuts [our] eyes from looking on evil. Then [we] will dwell on the heights; [our] place of defense will be the fortress of rocks; [our] bread will be given [us]; [our] water will be sure.
Let [our] eyes behold You in Your beauty. Be with [us] in majesty, for You are [our] judge; You are [our] lawgiver; You are [our] king; You will save [us] (Isaiah 32 & 33).

~Andrew Case, Prayers of an Excellent Wife~

A quote:

“Our whole relation to God is rooted in this: that His will is to be done in us and by us as it is in heaven. …[O]ur first object ought ever to be to ascertain the mind of God.”
~ Andrew Murray~

A poem:

As the misty bluebell wood,
Very still and shadowy,
Does not seek, far less compel
Several word from several bell,
But lifts up her quiet blue–
So all my desire is before Thee.

For the prayer of human hearts
In the shadow of the Tree,
Various as the various flowers,
Blown by wind and wet by showers,
Rests at last in silent love–
Lord, all my desire is before Thee.

~Amy Carmichael~

Tags: Asher Timothy, Faith, Gabriel David, Poetry, Quotes

Our family enjoying one another and Christ’s goodness on Resurrection Sunday… thankful that the Resurrection means (among many other glorious things) we will see the rest of our children again someday! Hallelujah!

Tags: Church Calendar, Family

In the fall of 2011 an idea was conceived.
God placed a desire in two hearts, to grow and nurture something that we would keep for a while and then send out into the world to do His work.
There has been waiting, growth, anticipation, expectation, nail-biting, anxiety, and much prayer since then.
Now we are anticipating completion.
We are ready for arrival, for the big reveal.
We don’t know what will happen, we can not see tomorrow…
We don’t know what the Lord’s plan is, and we know that only He is in control…

Sound familiar?

But I’m not talking about a pregnancy. I’m talking about a project.
One of my dear friends and I have had the great joy of coordinating and editing a devotional created for women on the Pregnancy After Loss journey by women on the Pregnancy After Loss journey. And today we are ready and eager to begin sharing it and sending it out to the world to do God’s work.

But why today? Why have we been using Easter weekend as our deadline?

Because no time of the year could possibly be more fitting. Life after death. Redemption. Glorious hope.
The Saturday between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday is like a picture of the entire PAL journey. Death has happened before, and you are still reeling from it. You have seeds of hope growing within you but you have no idea what tomorrow holds. As my friend and co-conspirator Kristi wrote once in her article Stuck in Saturday:

Saturday begins when the worst pain is behind you, but a throbbing ache has taken its place. When the sun dares to shine, but your world is still dark. When the abuse is in the past, but not the hurt and shame. When you are no longer hemorrhaging, but neither are you healed. When the rest of the world expects you to be “over it”, but you’re not.

Where are you? Have you experienced the darkness of Good Friday? Do you feel stuck in your Saturday, not really sure where God is and why He withheld His hand of protection from your life? We, too, can follow the example of Jesus’ followers.

Rest. Reflect. Retreat from the frenzy of the world. Talk with others. Don’t be afraid to ask God the hard questions. And do all of this with an element that the disciples didn’t have.

Hope.

They didn’t know what Sunday would hold. They weren’t waiting for a miracle. They were just waiting.

But we know that Jesus rose, and just as He did on that first Easter, God longs to move us from Good Friday to Resurrection Day.

When that resurrection comes, it will not erase the past. Easter Sunday did not change the fact that the crucifixion, in all of its ugliness, had happened. His followers would never forget that day. And there was no “getting back to normal” either. They didn’t return to their former lives of following an itinerant teacher and healer around Judea. No, they went forward into their “new normal” characterized by God’s power and presence in a way they had never dreamed possible.

 But first, you have to get through Saturday.

So please, without further ado, come visit our new website Rainbows and Redemption to get a glimpse of what the Lord has been doing. Allow us to journey with you through your Saturday, through your Pregnancy After Loss.
Please contact us to receive your own PDF version of the e-book devotional. This is a free resource to bless our sisters and glorify our Father. And if it particularly encourages you, we would love to have you make a donation to Hannah’s Prayer Ministries as a way to further promote encouragement to others who may be walking this path, now or in the future.

To God be all glory.
Jesus has risen! Death has been conquered! Hope has been restored!

Tags: Faith, Links, Motherhood

Psalm 30:3-5

O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes the morning.

Tags: Asher Timothy, Gabriel David

Of course it’s a winter wonderland on the first day of spring. Hehe.

When my leaves fall, wilt Thou encompass them?
   The gold of Autumn flown, the bare branch brown,
The brittle twig and stem,
   The tired leaves dropping down–
Wilt Thou encompass that which men call dead?
   I see the rain, the coldly smothering snow;
My leaves dispirited,
   Live very low.

So the heart questioneth, white Winter near;
   Till, jocund as the glorious voice of Spring,
Cometh His “Do not fear,
   But sing; rejoice and sing,
For sheltered by the coverlet of snow
   Are secrets of delight, and there shall be
Uprising that shall show
   All that through Winter I prepared for thee.”

~Amy Carmichael~

Tags: Poetry

It is often hard to put one’s experience down in words, and even more difficult is the task of penning one’s innermost ponderings. Not just what I have experienced, but how that experience has molded me and what I retain now from the experience.

Asher is three and a half months old already. I have posted pictures and happy updates during that time. Our happiness is broadened and our joy is immense. The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13) is a truly marvelous thing. The utter beauty and joy I find in the daily grind of repetitive, monotonous, and largely thankless tasks is nothing less than wonderful. To have turmoil turned to peace is an experience that I am unable to pour into words. Instead, it just usually pours out in tears.

God heard us and sent relief. His  mercy is abundant and the gladness in our hearts & home is immense, let me tell you.

Psalm 4:1, 7-9
Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

But that may yet be only part of our story. The saga will continue. It does continue even now. Life and sanctification, joys and sorrows, hopes and fears, sunshine and rain, diamonds and dust ~ it continues with each breath we take.

Wouldn’t you think it would be easy to move from sorrow to happiness? Yeah. Me too.
And it IS easy.
And yet it isn’t only easy.
As He has long sustained us in the past, so our Father yet sustains us now. He will continue to be faithful, for He can be nothing less than perfectly faithful. No matter where He leads us on our journey.

Long is the way, and very steep the slope;
Strengthen me once again, O God of Hope.

Far, very far, the summit doth appear;
But Thou art near, my God, but Thou art near.

And Thou wilt give me with my daily food,
Powers of endurance, courage, fortitude.

Thy way is perfect; only let that way
Be clear before my feet from day to day.

Thou art my Portion, saith my soul to Thee,
Oh, what a Portion is my God to me!

~Amy Carmichael~

We are so thankful for the children in our home. I still catch my breath when I say, write, or hear that word. Children. Will I ever get used to it? Will I someday take it for granted? Will the novelty of life eventually give way to the normalcy of it all? God forbid.
Yes, the Lord has given us great things. But we clearly remember what He brought us before He delivered Asher to us. And it seems beyond possible to me that we could ever take our sons for granted, or life in general, or medical science, or fertility, or romance, or a godly spouse for granted. And yet, but for the grace of God and the Spirit’s stirrings within us, we would quickly take His goodness and mercy for granted. We are sinners, and grossly imperfect.

This afternoon I have been meditating on Psalm 16. Some verses have particularly popped out at me and are repeating over and over in my heart. Not only has the Lord been good to us, causing our lines to fall pleasantly of late, but He is the One who has given us counsel. He is the One that has been our Captain and King through all of this! He is the One whose arm is mighty to save (Isaiah 63:1, Zephaniah 3:17)!

Psalm 16:6-9
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.
I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.

In Scripture, I love how “night” is often a metaphor for more than simply the dark hours of a 24-hour cycle. It can imply inner darkness, such as sorrow or grief. So when David says that his heart instructs him in the night seasons, I give thanks that we can proclaim the same. The Spirit inhabits our hearts, and as we remain faithful to the Father and set the Lord always before us, He will instruct us even when our path leads through terrible darkness. Amen! God has been our Sovereign Lord through our recurrent miscarriages, through treatment trials, and eventually through a full pregnancy and delivery of our son. It is because of Him that we have not been moved, that our faith has remained strong, and that He has been glorified.

We ARE glad! We GREATLY rejoice! And we DO have hope!

What kindness.

This is one of those things that I just can’t adequately describe in mere words. I try. And I fail miserably. Every time.

A young lady at our church who competes in speech and debate tournaments around the country interviewed me a number of weeks ago, in order to compose an interpretive speech about my “story.” Her speech would be ten minutes long, once it was finely honed. The fact is, at first I wondered how in the world she would find enough solid material to fill up ten minutes. And then I started to wonder how in the world she could ever capture the height, depth, width, breadth, and spirit of my story in just ten little minutes.

As the days move on, I get to find joy and gladness in cleaning, cooking, laundry, hospitality, playing trains, reading Frog & Toad, drinking tea by the blazing fire, watching Bald Eagles perch in a tree right behind our house and then swoop down to feast on something (along with a coyote, no less), washing diapers, making silly faces, singing psalms, answering countless “why?” questions, kissing away countless tears, soaking in dimples and smiles and new red fuzz atop my baby’s head.
And at the same time, I remember. I remember seven little sweeties who so quickly stole their way into my heart. I see their seven little boxes lined up on top of a dresser in our room. I see their names hanging from arrows in a hunter’s quiver. I wear those names on a necklace, where they rest right near my heart.
I still have shadows of scars from injections. I have a shelf full of leftover medical supplies. Certain smells, certain feelings, certain places ~ and I’m right back there again.

Grief.
I no longer live in grief. Now I live with grief.
It isn’t who I am, but it has shaped who I am.

When I see our boys, my Gabriel and my Asher, I feel like I can see pieces of our other children in them. I wonder if Hosanna would have had his brother’s steely eyes. And I wonder if any of their sisters had their long eyelashes and cuddly natures.

The perspective and thankfulness we have as we raise these boys for the glory of God and for the furtherance of His Kingdom is a blessing. It was painfully won, but it is a reward we reap.
We get the privilege of teaching, training, disciplining, discipling, and catechizing these boys.
We get the pleasures of playing, reading, wrestling, singing, running, cuddling, exploring, and living with these boys.
We get to clean up their messes, listen to their laughs, dry their tears, feed their bodies, fill their souls, and shepherd them for their life both on earth and for eternity.

What. Utter. Joy.

Father, hear us, we are praying,
Hear the words our hearts are saying;
We are praying for our children.

Keep them from the powers of evil,
From the secret, hidden peril;
Father, hear us for our children.

From the whirlpool that would suck them,
From the treacherous quicksand, pluck them;
Father, hear us for our children.

From the worldling’s hollow gladness,
From the sting of faithless sadness,
Father, Father, keep our children.

Through life’s troubled waters steer them;
Through life’s bitter battle cheer them;
Father, Father, be Thou near them.

Read the language of our longing,
Read the wordless pleadings thronging,
Holy Father, for our children.

And wherever they may bide,
Lead them Home at eventide.

~Amy Carmichael~

Thanks be to God. I know some deep sorrows of motherhood. But I also know deep pleasures. I know the faithfulness of God during the day as well as the night. I have been sustained by Christ in all things. And I glorify Him, offering my hands and my home, all that I am and all that I have, for His glorious service.

Not pretending that I have even begun to truly scratch the surface ~ but realizing that now I get to go live out what I am writing, as I go away from the laptop and back to the beautiful boys God has given me and the beautiful tasks He has put before me.

Selah.

Tags: Faith, Grief, Life, Poetry

Tags: Asher Timothy, Beloved, Gabriel David

Valentine’s Day morning included lots of cuddling and floor-playtime.

As part of his special Valentine’s lunch, Gabriel got to paint bread before eating it. Also known as cheap entertainment that lasts 15+ minutes, brought to you by mixing two drops of red food coloring into a couple tablespoons of water.

While my parents took four of their grandchildren out on a Valentine’s date, Steven cooked dinner for me. Grilled steak topped with a garlic, mushroom, and red wine sauce. Israeli couscous, sweet corn, and chianti wine accompanied the deliciousness. Wow. Yum. My husby is a true gourmet!

And I spent a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday too. First I made another type of gourmet popcorn. Cinnamon Cookie Crunch Popcorn. Super tasty. Another winner. I plan on tweaking it a bit and trying Cookies And Cream Popcorn soon. (Yes, I’m on a gourmet popcorn kick…)

But what took the majority of my Valentine’s Day was dessert. While Steven does dinner, I provide the dessert. And this year I tried my hand at a crepe cake. Wow. So much work, largely because it takes a long time to make 40+ crepes with only one small skillet! I made chocolate crepes, cream custard for the filling, and chocolate ganache to top it. It may be a heart attack waiting to happen, but it’s downright incredible. A true hit.

Tags: Baking, Life

Creativity comes in various forms. Sometimes I try to be creative with housekeeping or cooking. With coloring pages, hikes in the woods, and phonics lessons. With musical arrangements I play and songs we sing.

Sometimes, though, I get to pull out all the stops and practice creativity with crafts. That’s probably one of my favorite kinds of creativity, and although I don’t get to practice it every day of the week, I enjoy it when I do. I have a couple of wedding gifts to make soon, which will involve “alphabet photography” ~ one of my favorite creative things to do in the last year or so. I also will get to sew curtains soon (hurray!), which is exciting.

I recently refinished four antique ladderback chairs and they are now the chairs we are using in our family eating area. Love love love them. I also just stained nearly a dozen frames that my dad made for stitcheries I have done over the last fourteen years, and will get to varnish them soon and then hang them. I have cranked out a few metal stamping projects as well, with more to come on the horizon.

But I think perhaps my favorite creative outlet recently is in a new art creation I came up with one day… it involved buying canvasses for 50% off at Michael’s, and then buying books for mere cents at Good will, and digging up some craft glue to mix with water… and after some creative juices got flowing, and I had some naptimes in which to do the crafty work, I had a great new piece of artwork for each of my boys’ rooms. And I think I’ve inadvertently created a new art medium that I am loving for future pieces for myself as well as for gifts!

Gabriel’s canvas is covered in antique sheet music and pages of Psalms & Proverbs.

Asher’s canvas is covered in illustrations from children’s books and pages of Genesis.

Tags: Crafting, Homemaking