Nine

Nine weeks ago today we said goodbye to our baby boy.

Most people think it’s been much longer, what with all the craziness and bustle of the holidays that has passed since then. It is easy to lose track, or take time for granted, especially when someone is distanced from the situation.
Since losing our son, we have had a week-long business trip, Thanksgiving, 4 family birthdays (plus a few friends), Advent, Christmas, New Year, Victory’s due date, Epiphany, and countless events of fellowship and/or service, not to mention normal things of daily work. So yes, it has been busy.

But no, it has not gone by quickly.

And while some people have mentioned that it feels like it was so long ago, it really was so recent. Our son just died. Only nine weeks ago. And although, yes, we have been grieving almost nonstop for two years, we have only been grieving this sweet boy for nine weeks. God is faithfully bringing us through the deep waters into more shallow ones (but there are still waters which ebb & flow). He is kind and gentle and loving. We thank Him.

I will again quote one thing from Jerry Sittser, considering that it has been 63 days since I held my Hosanna-boy:
“I marveled at the genius of the ancient Hebrews, who set aside forty days for mourning, as if forty days were enough. I learned later how foolish I was. It was only after those forty days that my mourning became too deep for tears. So my tears turned to brine, to a bitter and burning sensation of loss that tears could no longer express. In the months that followed I actually longed for the time when the sorrow had been fresh and tears came easily. That emotional release would have lifted the burden, if only for a while.”

So yes, we continue to grieve. It looks different than it did a month ago. And it looks even more different than it did nine weeks ago. But we’re still on the journey. We continue to need & seek grace in all of this. As even the Heidelberg Catechism reminds us, God is our only comfort in life and in death.