God’s kindness is the dock,
your troubles are in the boat,
and prayer is the rope.
But don’t think you pull the dock to the boat.
Other way.
~Douglas Wilson~
Be Still
Firsts & Lasts
Right now, I have a thousand miles between myself and a painful ripping in my family.
Today, my grandpa is moving away from his wife and his home ~ his beautiful wife of 63 years who he no longer knows, although subconsciously sometimes seems to remember ~ his home since I was a toddler, where I envision him pruning roses, growing lemons & tomatoes, tenderly bringing in paradise flowers to fix with toothpicks in Grandma’s little crystal dishes to decorate their oval kitchen table with a whole collage of crystal & blooms.
Last night was the last time my grandma would get her husband dressed in his pajamas, and walk down the hallway with her hand in his toward their bedroom, to climb into bed together. He did not know it, he probably did not even know her, but she did. And thinking about that just absolutely breaks my heart.
Today was the last time my grandma would wake up in her bed with her husband warming the other side of it. This morning was the last time she would fill two bowls with cereal, and pile another bowl’s worth of fruit (bananas, peaches, blueberries) on top of each. Yesterday was the first time she had to buy half as many groceries when she made her weekly trip to Trader Joe’s.
Today will be the last time they walk out of their house together, knowing that they will come home together… today will be the first time Grandma leaves her husband in a different home and comes back to her house without him.
Sometimes death comes so suddenly that it leaves us reeling in shock and surprise.
Sometimes death comes so slowly that it just peels away at our very souls, one tiny shred at a time.
I am not there, so I get to be numbed to most of the reality of what is happening. I did not go help buy Grandpa’s new room decorations or the twin-sized blanket for his new bed. I did not cook his last dinner at home or eat his last breakfast beside him at his own kitchen table. I am not the one who has to drive him down the cul de sac and away from his home. I am not the one who has to walk back out to the car and blow him a kiss goodbye after taking him to his new home.
But as I sit here thinking about my mama and my grandma, who are the ones doing all those things, I just can’t stop crying.
I am crying for their pain.
I am crying because lasts & firsts can both be so hard.
I am crying because mortality is a harsh reality when you face it head-on.
I went to bed last night, and watched my husband fall asleep on the pillow beside me. And reality is, I do not know when I will do that for the last time. Sometimes it is easier not to know. I can’t imagine having been my grandma last night, knowing that it was her last time.
I naively think that I am closer to the first time I went to bed with my husband than the last time. I remember sleeping in my bed in my old room the night before my wedding, thinking how that was the last time I ever had to sleep alone (business trips and such don’t count!), and how glorious it would be to have someone to fall asleep with and wake up next to for the rest of my life. (And it is glorious!) I bet my grandma had those same thoughts the night before her own wedding, just over 63 years ago.
So right now, I don’t cry for Grandpa, because my mother just sent me a picture of him sitting at his kitchen table, so handsome in a blue-collared shirt with a big smile on his face, his silver hair topping him like a halo. He is happy, he is handsome, he is oblivious.
But I cry for what was & no longer is.
I cry for my mama, watching her daddy disappear into the shell of what he was, slowly & painfully saying goodbye piece by piece.
And mostly I cry for my grandma, who has not only had to suffer through losing her darling husband little by little over the last couple of years to the horrible ugly monster of Alzheimer’s, but who has had to be the one to physically care for him every day no matter how hard the battles have been ~ and now she has to be the one to sign the papers, to drop him off, to kiss him goodbye, to go home to her new reality which includes her empty bed. And the empty bed simply symbolizes so much… and it breaks my heart.
I remember saying goodbye to my grandpa last fall, the last time I saw him in person. I remember telling him that if he gets to heaven first, to tell my babies hello for me. I remember him staring deeply into my eyes and smiling and saying “I will do that.”
I remember him throughout my childhood in various ways.
One of the most prominent places he holds in my memory is at his own kitchen table (perhaps because we ate a lot of meals there together).
So I am glad for this picture of his last morning at home at his table. With his wife and his daughter.
And while I don’t know when his physical body will die and his soul will fly to heaven, today my family endures a ripping that is a kind of death. It is a step closer to Death. And it is hard, even from a thousand miles away.
It takes a different kind of courage
to face death when you cannot run,
when you cannot fight,
when you are pinned beneath heavy decades,
beneath the weight of life—
when your faith really must be in Another.
~N. D Wilson, Death by Living, p45~
In Faith
Posting this kind of thing takes a lot of faith from me. So! In faith, I am sharing a recent belly bump picture, as well as a painting I did for Steven for Father’s Day which represents all 13 of our babies. The Lord is gracious, and that is enough.
…You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Psalm 86:15
shepherdly
We have a great deal to learn from David.
Although we might be tempted to see him as little better than a barbarian king,
we should actually be studying him with a far greater humility of mind.
From him, we learn how to fight,
how to trust,
how to cry,
how to pray,
how to repent,
how to sing,
how to write poetry,
how to marry,
how to reform the church,
how to curse,
how to submit to God’s rebukes and providences,
and how to worship.
What a man! What a man of God!
~Douglas Wilson, blog~
This is what it means to have hands laid on you.
It means you are set apart to suffer and die for your people.
This is what it means to be a pastor, a shepherd:
it means walking toward the danger,
toward the threat,
toward the lions, the wolves, the swords, the flames.
~Toby Sumpter, blog~
My Family
That’s how family gets made.
Not by ceremonies or certificates, and not by parties and celebrations.
Family gets made when you decide to hold hands and sit shoulder to shoulder
when it seems like the sky is falling.
Family gets made when the world becomes strange and disorienting,
and the only face you recognize is his.
Family gets made when the future obscures itself like a solar eclipse,
and in the intervening darkness,
you decide that no matter what happens in the night,
you’ll face it as one.
~Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines, p29~
Beautifully Made
Every rock is spoken by the Word.
Every time I touch a stone, I am touching the Voice of God.
~N. D. Wilson, Death by Living, p125~
Then & Now
May 2007 & May 2015~
May 2008 & May 2015~
…and after having numerous miscarriages and fertility struggles in May months in previous years (esp 2010 and 2014, but there were a couple other Mays right up there too…), this is marvelous for May 2015~
Seventh: Final Thoughts on Serving those with Chronic Needs
SEVENTH: FINAL THOUGHTS ON
SERVING THOSE WITH CHRONIC NEEDS
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Though you may feel that no one can understand
the depth of your despair,
our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands.
~D.F.U.~
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As we come to the final thoughts on this discussion of serving those with chronic needs in our local bodies of Christ’s people, what should we come away with on our hearts? What new insights have you seen from those who are suffering for days, months, years on end with either their obvious or invisible manifestations? What about new perspectives from four church leaders from multiple places in the United States, different churches & varied denominations? What things did you see emphasized repeatedly from the women who chimed in with ideas on how they have seen their congregations serve the suffering, or ways they individually have sought to reach out?
What stood out to you?
What themes can be found repeated throughout this series?
What ways do you need served?
What ways do you need to serve?
How can you tailor your prayers?
Where can you offer your gifts or time?
How might the Lord be calling you to sacrifice of yourself?
In what areas do you see the Lord stretching your faith here?
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Above all, keep loving one another earnestly,
since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8
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I see a call toward tangible love toward our brothers and sisters in Christ.
~love your brethren with your prayers and your words but also your actions, no matter which side of the suffering coin you find yourself on personally ~ I see countless opportunities here for “one-anothering“~
I see a need for enormous grace on all sides.
~have grace with those in need ~ have grace toward those who serve ~ have grace on those who you don’t see either suffering or serving ~ none of us deserve grace (which is why it is classified as grace!), but all of us are called to bestow it liberally~
I see openings for each one of us to sacrifice more.
~there are very infrequent cases where someone may be already sacrificing to the fullest extent of what the Lord has called them to, but for most of us (especially in modern American culture), there are absolutely ways that we could deeper sacrifice for others in our finances, with our time, sharing our food or other physical possessions, praying more diligently, sending encouraging notes or making uplifting phone calls, spending an entire day per week or month simply living your life for someone else’s family~
I see opportunities for each one of us to humble ourselves and exalt others.
~as sinful humans, we are born with a grabby nature; but here we have been shown opportunities over and over again for how we can put others ahead & above ourselves and our own desires or needs ~ are you grabbing for assistance from others when maybe the Lord is asking you to simply endure your suffering for His sake with joy and peace? ~ are you grabbing at your own comforts or plans when maybe the Lord is giving you places to give up your comforts or plans for the sake of lifting the burdens of others? ~ in what ways can you (yes, you!) humble yourself and rather exalt someone else?~
I see the calling for each of us to be more like Christ.
~as Christians, we should continually be growing more and more into the image of Jesus Christ Himself, through our sanctification, so how can we open ourselves to more of His nature overcoming our selfish sinful humanity when we see people suffering around us? ~ how can we do that when we are suffering, bound to our house for endless months, or bound to a bed in home or hospital for days at a time? ~ how do you feel the growing pains of growing up into Christ your Brother, as you now look around you at the brethren who may be suffering, whether you currently know it or not?~
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Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will
entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
1 Peter 4:19
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So in closing, what are a few last reminders & highlights of how we can serve those in our churches who are suffering various chronic needs?
- write notes of encouragement, whether a real card or an e-card or an e-mail
- make a phone call to pray with someone or just check in
- cook extra food & put it in your freezer so that you have something to share when you see a need
- offer to make food for someone, asking if they have specific recipes that suit their dietary needs that you can use
- ask someone if you can come to their house to cook with their ingredients in their kitchen: show up with joy, do the work, clean up even more than the mess you personally made, and bless the person not only with food in their freezer but with your cheerful presence
- read books or browse blogs for creative ideas on blessing someone who has X physical or mental need
- rather than ask “how are you?”, tailor the question for the person, “honestly, how have you seen Christ show up in your suffering this week?” or “I would love to hear the nitty-gritties on how your week has gone”
- give specific offers for help ~ specific tasks you are equipped to do, and a time you know you could show up to get it done
- give your phone number and emphasize that you will do what you can to drop what’s on your plate if something emergent comes up
- sign up to clean homes for those who are physically unable to do it
- sign up to fill a freezer at your church
- rally others to work alongside you to care for someone’s yard or run their errands or babysit their child(ren)
- drop off flowers for a random person just to brighten their day
- leave plates of goodies on a front doorstep, leaving unannounced without making the recipient feel awkward or have the need to make small talk
- pray diligently for people, and remind someone when you have actually prayed for them
- don’t be afraid to make people laugh, but don’t be afraid to make people cry
- put on a spirit of meekness & humility, and stop judging the actions or inactions of others
- recognize that there is not a single one of us who is not needy in one way or another; but we are still called to bear one another’s burdens
- use your time wisely and well ~ when you are serving your own family, and also when you serve someone else
- buy a $30 gift card next time you are at the grocery store, and find someone to bless with it
- buy things in bulk (think Costco or Winco), and then give away the excess portions (the second bottle of shampoo, the third pound of ground beef, the extra green beans you know will go bad before you eat them…) to someone in need
- dig up perennials from your yard or garden beds, and put them in little pots to deliver to someone who can not be out in their own yard or have their own garden
- share the extra produce from your vegetable garden or produce box with a neighbor
- when someone asks for help, go above & beyond what they have humbled themselves to request ~ give richly and joyfully
- if you absolutely cannot fill a need when you have been specifically asked, try to help them find someone else who can fill the need! ~ ask your spouse, ask your best friend, ask an older woman in your church, ask a church leader ~ don’t just say, “I’m so sorry I can not drive you tomorrow to your appointment” but go the extra mile and add, “but let’s go find someone together right now who is available” ~ sometimes we can not fill a need, but there are ways we can help the need be filled nonetheless
- preach grace ~ from pulpits and from fingertips
- take someone out to coffee just because, or bring their favorite drink to them if they are homebound
- remind someone with physical limitations that they are invaluable, and help them find non-physically-demanding ways to serve (phone calls? prayer chain? offering to have Bible study or choir practice in their home?)
- remind someone with mental limitations that they are invaluable, and help them find ways to serve (if you can’t leave your home, can we come to you? if being around people or noise is overwhelming, could you do some cooking for someone else? can you cook or clean for someone else, even in the midst of your own mental suffering? if you have no energy, no time, no mental capacity to do a physical thing for someone else and can honestly not even keep up with the demands of your own home & family, could you write about your suffering to teach the rest of us who can not begin to wrap our heads around the thorn in your side? can you lead online prayer chains?)
- ask to be on a prayer list ~ offer to put someone else on a prayer list
- try your best not to stick your foot in your mouth ~ silence or an understanding squeeze of the hand can be enough
- if you don’t know what to say, say THAT without apology
- ask for elders to come pray in your home or to bring communion to you ~ if you are the caretaker or spouse of someone who is bed-ridden or home-bound, be the voice & advocate of the suffering one, and request these specific things ~ even leaders of churches will need someone to graciously teach them and help peel scales from their eyes
- don’t give up when the suffering has no end in sight
- acknowledge that you don’t understand what the other is going through ~ either in their obvious suffering or in their lack of it
- offer free babysitting, along with a Starbucks (or other date-type place) gift card
- invite someone over, and ask how you can make it possible for them to be comfortable in your home (allergies, dietary restrictions, time constraints, a place to lie down, making it quiet enough by having your children watch a movie in an upstairs room or putting the barking dog far away)
- sometimes people have to plan way ahead, so make the sacrifice of putting something on the schedule to really help & truly fellowship
- sometimes people can not plan more than a few hours in advance, so learn how to be more flexible and invite someone over last-minute
- take the caretaker/spouse of the suffering person out to eat, out to play frisbee, or to your home for a time of prayer
- focus more on others than on yourself
- before you donate items to a thrift shop (furniture, clothing, books, appliances), see if anyone in your church has need of your things ~ be willing to drop stuff off for others at their homes if they need your old washing machine, your used maternity clothing, other clothing (sometimes chronic illnesses or even the medications for physical or mental illnesses can cause unpredictable weight loss or weight gain, and it can be difficult to shuffle one’s wardrobe back & forth without emptying the pocketbook), the books you collected on depression & anxiety or autoimmune diseases, extra chairs for around their table, etc.
- don’t be shy about asking your church leaders for assistance; whether food or prayer or home/yard chores or childcare or transportation or financial assistance… humble yourself and ask for blessings… who would give a stone when asked for bread?
- give an extra check in your church offering for the benevolence fund
- remind your friends that it is okay if their kids need to be watching more movies than seems preferable, during this season of suffering
- try not to give unsolicited advice
- pray ceaselessly for the suffering around you
- be in it for the long haul with joy
- share what you have, give what you can ~ just show up and be faithful with what you’ve been given
- grace, grace, grace, grace, GRACE!!!
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Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
Colossians 3:12-17
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God our heavenly Father, please bless each of your children who have participated in this discussion over the last week. Please soften our hearts where we have been hardened, please humble us where we have been proud, please open our eyes where they were covered in scales, please unplug our ears where they were not listening. Teach us to love one another in word and in deed. Teach us to shower one another in grace upon grace upon grace. Make us more like Christ as we live together in local manifestations of His body.
We are Your chosen ones, O God ~ we are holy and we are beloved. Please teach us to treat one another as holy, beloved, chosen children of the Father. Please clothe us with compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience! Please enable us to bear with one another, and show us how to do this with the compassion, kindness, humble hearts, meek spirits, and patient diligence that would most glorify You. When we strive against one another, when we begrudge one another for any reason, please plant a root of forgiveness in our hearts that will grow and bloom and blossom and bear sweet fruit, just as the forgiveness You have so freely offered us through Christ our Lord bears fruit in our own lives.
But above all the rest of this, heavenly Father, clothe us with love. The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell! And this is the love that we need to imitate, that we must pray for, as we grow up as Your children into Your image. Grant us love beyond measure, so that we can be bound in perfect harmony by Your grace.
Fill our hearts with the peace of Christ, and rule us by that peace so that our homes and our relationships ooze nothing but peace. We were called to His peace in one body, and we ask You to fulfill that calling by filling our cups to overflowing with the peace of Christ. Make us thankful. Teach us to be content with where you have us, suffering and all, with thankful hearts. Put words on our lips that demonstrate thankful hearts.
Put within us the words of Christ so that His rich wisdom and understanding fills us and shapes our relationships with one another. Give us Scripture and holy words in our hearts and minds as we memorize and meditate on Your Word. Give us opportunities to teach, admonish, encourage, and exhort one another with wisdom ~ and increase our wisdom by Your grace more and more as the day of Christ’s return draws nearer. Help us grasp opportunities to sing together, to proclaim psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to one another and for one another. Fill our hearts and heads with music that glorifies You and teaches us all the more about You. Grant us thankfulness to You as we give and receive wise, godly counsel and song.
By the power of Your Spirit, O God our Father, enable us to do all things, in word and in deed, in the name of the Lord Jesus to whom we belong and in whose blood we ourselves are covered and granted forgiveness. Strengthen us to give thanks to You, Father God, through Jesus Christ our Lord, as we serve, as we suffer, as we live together in the body of Christ and as we pray for the furtherance of Your Kingdom here on earth in our own homes.
Thank You, God, for hearing our prayers and granting us grace in this conversation. To You be all glory, now and forever. Amen.
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~part of our series, Serving Those in The Church with Chronic Needs~
Consider the Suffering: Study the Scriptures
CONSIDER THE SUFFERING:
STUDY THE SCRIPTURES
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Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly.
Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively.
But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion
or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.
~C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p28~
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Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Romans 12:13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Ephesians 4:29 Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
1 John 3:17 But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?
Matthew 25:35-39 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
Proverbs 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.
Matthew 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.
Proverbs 22:9 The generous will themselves be blessed, for they share their food with the poor.
Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
John 15:12 This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Acts 20:35 In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Galatians 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
1 Peter 4:10 As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
Galatians 5:13-14 …through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
2 Corinthians 8:3-5 For I bear witness that according to their ability, yes, and beyond their ability, they were freely willing, imploring us with much urgency that we would receive the gift and the fellowship of the ministering to the saints. And not only as we had hoped, but they first gave themselves to the Lord, and then to us by the will of God.
Numbers 11:11-14 So Moses said to the Lord, “Why have You afflicted Your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I beget them, that You should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom, as a guardian carries a nursing child,’ to the land which You swore to their fathers? Where am I to get meat to give to all these people? For they weep all over me, saying, ‘Give us meat, that we may eat.’ I am not able to bear all these people alone, because the burden is too heavy for me.
Deuteronomy 1:12 How can I alone bear your problems and your burdens and your complaints?
Romans 15:1-2 We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification.
Romans 15:5-7 Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore receive one another, just as Christ also received us, to the glory of God.
Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Acts 20:35 In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Proverbs 14:31 …he who is generous to the needy honors Him.
Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
Mark 12:31 ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
2 Corinthians 9:12 For the ministry of this service is not only supplying the needs of the saints but is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God.
Romans 12:10-11 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.
Romans 12:4-7 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching…
Ecclesiastes 5:19-20 Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.
Proverbs 31:20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
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I challenge each of us to search our hearts in reference to this load of Scriptures.
See where the Lord would encourage you.
See where He would exhort you.
See where He extends His grace to you & you can extend it to others.
Open your heart to the urging of the Spirit.
Open your hands to those around you who are suffering.
Open your life to the ones the Lord gave you ~ He gave you to them also.
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~part of our series, Serving Those in The Church with Chronic Needs~
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