Category: Faith

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Thankfulness in the midst

Are you facing Thanksgiving day tomorrow with trepidation? Coming to that table of feasting with tears in your eyes because your heart is overwhelmed with pain or loss? Anticipating prayers and times of “sharing” with grief rather than excitement? Are you wondering what is the best way to honor God tomorrow as you prepare for a family gathering? What is the way to most glorify Him when all your heart can see is the lack of enough chairs around the table ~ the chairs that your children (or parents, or someone else altogether) should be occupying?

Oh sweet friends, I’ve been there. Treading those waters… oh goodness, I can’t describe it… just anguish, really.

One of my favorite authors, Nancy Guthrie, has said the following,

The truth is, it is possible to be filled with joy and still not be described as “happy.” Sometimes we’re just plain sad, not only down in our hearts, but down to our toes. Have you found that to be true? Have you experienced joy in the midst of your great sadness? … In fact, our joy should be as consistent as God is. It doesn’t have to be tied to the turbulent conditions of our feelings and moods. Our joy is grounded in God. It flows from him and back to him. Joy is not something we can generate with positive thinking or a bit of humor. It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit’s work in our inner lives. Joy shines forth from the life of the true believer, no matter how dark the circumstances.

Now, I think a bit of that can be applied fairly well to thankfulness, which is a relative of joy. Remember, while thankfulness is not listed in Galatians 5 as a fruit of the Spirit, it is definitely a work of God. I have often found joy and thankfulness to be deeply intertwined in my heart.

After Nancy Guthrie had two children die, she said, “while there were lots of tears of sadness in our home, there was also a great deal of joy. …sadness did not always define the atmosphere in our home. Joy was always peeking its way through the curtain of sorrow. To experience sorrow does not eliminate joy. In fact, I’ve come to think that sorrow actually deepens our capacity for joy — that as our lows are lower, so are our highs higher.”

And the icing on this cake: “It’s just not natural to experience profound joy in the face of heartache. It is supernatural; it is spiritual.”

I know that for myself, in very similar shoes, it can be very unnatural to experience profound thankfulness in the face of heartache as well; that too is supernatural, spiritual. Throwing myself at God’s feet and begging Him to make me thankful because I know there is SO MUCH to be thankful for has been one way I express my thankfulness.

There have been numerous years where I have not even said “happy thanksgiving” because happy just didn’t fit in my vocabulary. But if someone else said “happy thanksgiving” to me, I would seek to bravely reply, “yes, it is a good day to give thanks” ~ because that’s always true. Regardless of my feelings at a particular time. It is, in fact, always a good day to give thanks.

In another place, Mrs. Guthrie has said, “[God] doesn’t want you to exert all your energies following a moral code or figuring out doctrinal difficulties. He wants your heart.” And when your heart is bleeding and broken, that is exactly the heart you have to give Him: that may be, in fact, what you need to give Him tomorrow as your thank-offering. Give Him your bleeding, throbbing, broken, pained heart; He will be very pleased with this offering, as you acknowledge your brokenness and total reliance on Him for every breath.

And regarding gratitude specifically, let me share one last thing from Mrs. Guthrie regarding Ephesians 5:20 (“Always give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”):

We’d like to figure out how to water this verse down. We think to ourselves that Paul couldn’t really mean everything. This seems like a tall order for anyone, but especially for those of us who have faced heartbreaking, soul-crushing loss. And yet we see this kind of worship through gratitude lived out in the life and losses of Job. In the wake of losing nearly everything he owned and nearly everyone he loved, Job fell to the ground expressing gratitude, not just for all the blessings God had given him, but amazingly, for everything God had taken away. “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21:). God gives, and God takes away. But let’s be honest. We just want him to give, don’t we? And we certainly don’t want him to take away the things or the people we love. … Genuine gratitude is a response not to the worth of the gift, but to the excellence of the Giver. …I know you can barely stand to think about being grateful in the midst of your loss. You may think I’m crazy to suggest that you could be grateful to God for who he is and all he has done for you as you face the empty chair… but if you refuse to nurture gratitude, you will become bitter. So would you turn your eyes from your loss and disappointment to the great Giver, asking him to reveal more of himself to you so that you might grow in gratitude? Would you ask him for the peace and joy that only those who nurture gratitude are given?

Then she encourages her readers to specifically pray for God to grant them hearts of gratitude in the midst of their very real anguish, and asks for us to meditate on 2 Cor 9:15, 1 Thess 5:18, 1 Tim 1:12, and Heb 12:28.

As another Thanksgiving holiday dawns, I just wanted to share some of the comfort with which I myself have been comforted in the past. I don’t even know if anyone who occasionally glances at this blog would be searching for such a kind of comfort at the moment, but it’s what God has given me when I’ve experienced those same questions near this same holiday, and so I wanted to pass it on today… because I remember.

Bring your heart to God; bless His name. Even though you bring brokenness, tears, confusion, pain, and wobbly knees… God wants you and your worship… and so you bring Him what you have and what you are. That, from what I know, is precisely what is most honoring to God in times like this, and what glorifies Him: thankfulness in the midst of your suffering. Not separated from your suffering, but actually in the midst.

Grace and peace, joy and comfort be yours in abundance. Let us give thanks for God and the many ways He sustains us through even the darkest of valleys and in the coldest of shadows.

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Light at the End of the Tunnel

Have you ever heard that old adage, “a light at the end of the tunnel”?
That’s a rhetorical question: I’m sure you have. 🙂
It is usually said in an attempt to be comforting, hopeful, calming, reassuring.

Have you ever found yourself searching for that light?
How will you know when you’ve seen it?
What if the end of one tunnel is simply the beginning of another tunnel?

How do I know what I’m looking for?
What kind of tools do I need in order to see it?

Will I trip over it, stumbling, and suddenly realize that I just clumsily fell out of the tunnel and into the light without even knowing the end was nearly there?
Do I need binoculars? Maybe a catadioptric telescope?
Perhaps I simply need to perform a quick buff of my glasses lenses or replace my contact lenses?

The thing is, if you are looking for a physical light, an actual end to a tangible tunnel, you might find that new contacts, clean glasses, a super strong telescope, a pair of binoculars, or even suddenly blinking might indeed be enough to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But more often than not, this phrase is not said about a physical reality but about a hope or belief that a difficult situation may be soon to conclude.

Do you think the saints listed in Hebrews 11 looked for a light at the end of the tunnel?

Hebrews 11:1-3, 13
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
…These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

As Christians, what light are we looking for? How do we endure dark tunnels? What is the purpose of a tunnel anyway? Where does it take us? Will we recognize the light when it appears?

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Oh, the comfort of knowing that trials and tribulations are temporary. Whether we plan ends to them ourselves, or see the Lord working conclusions for us, or simply look ahead in faith for the redemption of all things by the Great Redeemer Himself ~ the darkness will indeed be put away, and the Lord will be THE light; there will be no more darkness, no more trials, no more “tunnels.” Thanks be to God, our Great Redeemer and Comforter!

Isaiah 60:19-20
The sun shall be no more
    your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
    give you light;
but the Lord will be your everlasting light,
    and your God will be your glory.
Your sun shall no more go down,
    nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
    and your days of mourning shall be ended.

All praise be to God, we as His children have this glorious reality to look toward! What a joy! What a balm when enduring affliction! What incredible hope when we are uncertain what lies ahead in the near future!

My friends, look to the Lord, Jesus is the Light of the world. He is the One to keep your eyes on when the darkness is closing in around you.

John 8:12
Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

You don’t need a telescope or glasses or even eyeballs to see Him. You need faith. And how do you acquire that? It is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God”). Amen.

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Wanting to be a Faithful Advocate

After reading this incredible charge to take charge in drawing the charge (did you follow that?), I am praising God. What a responsibility, what a joy, what a gift, what a grace, what a burden! to be called to take up His cross and follow Him. And by that, He doesn’t mean to blindly follow anyone who claims to be following Him… but to FOLLOW HIM.

How does one do this with a balance of boldness and humility?

I don’t have the answer to that. But I am asking God to reveal it to me over time, so that I may be accurately taking up His cross, following Him, dividing truth, pursuing wisdom, receiving grace, and pouring out mercy. (This reminds me of my dad ~ and if you’ve ever met my dad, I dare to say, you couldn’t possibly disagree.)

Central to the task of walking in the wisdom of Christ is obedience that could be mistaken for being a crank without actually being one. … Nehemiah is a good guy. He might have easily been accused being a crank, a legalist. But he wasn’t. But Nehemiah was the kind of obedient that might get him labeled as one. If you are never accused of being cranky, stodgy, a bit legalistic, you aren’t doing it right. But the key is to obey in such a way as to draw the charge without actually being guilty of it. … The difference is whether you are fundamentally an accuser or an advocate. Do you confront your friends, your roommates, your brothers and sisters in love, honestly wanting to do them good? Or do you despise them, secretly hoping they are shamed in the eyes of others? Are you an advocate or an accuser? You want to be the kind of faithful advocate that draws the charge of being a crank without actually being one.

When you read that teaser paragraph (excerpts from the above linked post), do you think of Christ? I do! Wow. It’s like he’s describing Jesus Christ, His life, and His faithful advocacy. Jesus got accused of being a crank, but He wasn’t actually a crank. He was THE ultimate faithful advocate. By God’s grace, may we seek the true Christlikeness that would put us into the same camp. Amen.

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In praise of our sovereign, powerful God!

From Streams in the Desert, for November 5th:

Genesis 18:14 “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”

Here is God’s loving challenge to you and to me today. He wants us to think of the deepest, highest, worthiest desire and longing of our hearts, something which perhaps was our desire for ourselves or for someone dear to us, yet which has been so long unfulfilled that we have looked upon it as only a lost desire, that which might have been but now cannot be, and so have given up hope of seeing it fulfilled in this life.

That thing, if it is in line with what we know to be His expressed will (as a son to Abraham and Sarah was), God intends to do for us, even if we know that it is of such utter impossibility that we only laugh at the absurdity of anyone’s supposing it could ever now come to pass. That thing God intends to do for us, if we will let Him.

“Is anything too hard for the Lord?” Not when we believe in Him enough to go forward and do His will, and let Him do the impossible for us. Even Abraham and Sarah could have blocked God’s  plan if they h ad continued to disbelieve.

The only thing too hard for Jehovah is deliberate, continued disbelief in His love and power, and our final rejection of His plans for us. Nothing is too hard for Jehovah to do for them that trust Him.

In 2010 I wrote in the margin, “Weeping. Too close to home. I can not even write.”
In 2011 I wrote in the margin, “Oh God, a year ago indeed we had given up hope for our desire of another living child! I am in tears again now, for the reminder that no indeed, nothing is too hard for our Lord!”
In 2013 now, I assent again that God is in control of all things, and even my disbelief does not block the Father’s design. Even my rejection of His plans. He takes my disbelief, my rejection, my despair, my weeping… and He takes this cracked pot of clay and reworks it, so that He can work out His perfect will. What a beautiful thing, and what glorious promise, what blessed hope!!

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Hungry & Thirsty

It is said that he hungers and thirsts after righteousness ~ a double description of his ardent desire for it. Surely it would have been enough for the man to hunger for it, but he thirsts as well. All the appetites, desires and cravings of his spiritual nature go out towards what he wants above everything else, namely, righteousness. He feels that he has not attained to it himself and, therefore, he hungers and thirsts for it. And he also laments that others have not attained to it and, therefore, he hungers and thirsts for them ~ that they, too, may have it.

We  may say of this passion, first, that, it is real. Hungering and thirsting are matters of fact, not fancy. Suppose that you meet a man who tells you that he is so hungry that he is almost starving, and you say to him, “Nonsense, my dear fellow, just forget all about it! It is a mere whim of yours, for you can live very well without food if you like”? Why, he knows that you are mocking him! And if you could surprise some poor wretch who had been floating in a boat cast away at sea, and had not been able for days to moisten his mouth except with the briny water which had only increased his thirst ~ and if you were to say to him, “Thirst? It is only your fancy, you are nervous, that is all, you need no drink” ~ the man would soon tell you that he knows better than that, for he must drink or die! There is nothing in this world that is more real than hunger and thirst ~ and the truly blessed man has such a real passion, desire and craving after righteousness that it can only be likened to hunger and thirst. He must have his sins pardoned, he must be clothed in the righteousness of Christ, he must be sanctified! And he feels that it will break his heart if he cannot get rid of sin. He pines, he longs, he prays to be made holy! He cannot be satisfied without this righteousness ~ and his hungering and thirsting for it is a very real thing.

…C. H. Spurgeon, on the Fourth Beatitude…

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Holy Baptism

Evangeline Joy was baptized in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit last Lord’s Day. What a blessing, privilege, responsibility, & testimony of God’s covenant promises! May God give Evangeline the grace and strength to live faithfully in light of her Holy Baptism.

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Prayer as the “end” not the “means”

 

Prayer is often represented as the great means of the Christian life.
But it is no mere means, it is the great end of that life.
It is, of course, not untrue to call it a means. It is so, especially at first.
But at last it is truer to say that we live the Christian life in order to pray
than that we pray in order to live the Christian life.

~P.T. Forsyth~

 

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Sharing With You

Some pictures:

A Scripture passage:

Colossians 3:1-17
If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them.
But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him, where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all.
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

A prayer:

Worker of wonders,
Continue to make my [family] righteous, so that [we] may have peace, quietness, and security forever. O Lord, be gracious to [us]; I wait for You. Be [our] arm every morning, [our] salvation in the time of trouble. For You are exalted, for You dwell in high; fill [us] with justice and righteousness, and be the stability of [our] days, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; let the fear of You be [our] treasure. Arise, O Lord, lift Yourself up; be exalted in [our family].
Help [us] to become [a family] who walks righteously and speaks uprightly, who despises the gain of oppressions, who shakes [our] hands, let they hold a bribe, who stops [our] ears from hearing of bloodshed and shuts [our] eyes from looking on evil. Then [we] will dwell on the heights; [our] place of defense will be the fortress of rocks; [our] bread will be given [us]; [our] water will be sure.
Let [our] eyes behold You in Your beauty. Be with [us] in majesty, for You are [our] judge; You are [our] lawgiver; You are [our] king; You will save [us] (Isaiah 32 & 33).

~Andrew Case, Prayers of an Excellent Wife~

A quote:

“Our whole relation to God is rooted in this: that His will is to be done in us and by us as it is in heaven. …[O]ur first object ought ever to be to ascertain the mind of God.”
~ Andrew Murray~

A poem:

As the misty bluebell wood,
Very still and shadowy,
Does not seek, far less compel
Several word from several bell,
But lifts up her quiet blue–
So all my desire is before Thee.

For the prayer of human hearts
In the shadow of the Tree,
Various as the various flowers,
Blown by wind and wet by showers,
Rests at last in silent love–
Lord, all my desire is before Thee.

~Amy Carmichael~

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Rainbows and Redemption goes live!

In the fall of 2011 an idea was conceived.
God placed a desire in two hearts, to grow and nurture something that we would keep for a while and then send out into the world to do His work.
There has been waiting, growth, anticipation, expectation, nail-biting, anxiety, and much prayer since then.
Now we are anticipating completion.
We are ready for arrival, for the big reveal.
We don’t know what will happen, we can not see tomorrow…
We don’t know what the Lord’s plan is, and we know that only He is in control…

Sound familiar?

But I’m not talking about a pregnancy. I’m talking about a project.
One of my dear friends and I have had the great joy of coordinating and editing a devotional created for women on the Pregnancy After Loss journey by women on the Pregnancy After Loss journey. And today we are ready and eager to begin sharing it and sending it out to the world to do God’s work.

But why today? Why have we been using Easter weekend as our deadline?

Because no time of the year could possibly be more fitting. Life after death. Redemption. Glorious hope.
The Saturday between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday is like a picture of the entire PAL journey. Death has happened before, and you are still reeling from it. You have seeds of hope growing within you but you have no idea what tomorrow holds. As my friend and co-conspirator Kristi wrote once in her article Stuck in Saturday:

Saturday begins when the worst pain is behind you, but a throbbing ache has taken its place. When the sun dares to shine, but your world is still dark. When the abuse is in the past, but not the hurt and shame. When you are no longer hemorrhaging, but neither are you healed. When the rest of the world expects you to be “over it”, but you’re not.

Where are you? Have you experienced the darkness of Good Friday? Do you feel stuck in your Saturday, not really sure where God is and why He withheld His hand of protection from your life? We, too, can follow the example of Jesus’ followers.

Rest. Reflect. Retreat from the frenzy of the world. Talk with others. Don’t be afraid to ask God the hard questions. And do all of this with an element that the disciples didn’t have.

Hope.

They didn’t know what Sunday would hold. They weren’t waiting for a miracle. They were just waiting.

But we know that Jesus rose, and just as He did on that first Easter, God longs to move us from Good Friday to Resurrection Day.

When that resurrection comes, it will not erase the past. Easter Sunday did not change the fact that the crucifixion, in all of its ugliness, had happened. His followers would never forget that day. And there was no “getting back to normal” either. They didn’t return to their former lives of following an itinerant teacher and healer around Judea. No, they went forward into their “new normal” characterized by God’s power and presence in a way they had never dreamed possible.

 But first, you have to get through Saturday.

So please, without further ado, come visit our new website Rainbows and Redemption to get a glimpse of what the Lord has been doing. Allow us to journey with you through your Saturday, through your Pregnancy After Loss.
Please contact us to receive your own PDF version of the e-book devotional. This is a free resource to bless our sisters and glorify our Father. And if it particularly encourages you, we would love to have you make a donation to Hannah’s Prayer Ministries as a way to further promote encouragement to others who may be walking this path, now or in the future.

To God be all glory.
Jesus has risen! Death has been conquered! Hope has been restored!

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What Utter Joy

It is often hard to put one’s experience down in words, and even more difficult is the task of penning one’s innermost ponderings. Not just what I have experienced, but how that experience has molded me and what I retain now from the experience.

Asher is three and a half months old already. I have posted pictures and happy updates during that time. Our happiness is broadened and our joy is immense. The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13) is a truly marvelous thing. The utter beauty and joy I find in the daily grind of repetitive, monotonous, and largely thankless tasks is nothing less than wonderful. To have turmoil turned to peace is an experience that I am unable to pour into words. Instead, it just usually pours out in tears.

God heard us and sent relief. His  mercy is abundant and the gladness in our hearts & home is immense, let me tell you.

Psalm 4:1, 7-9
Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

But that may yet be only part of our story. The saga will continue. It does continue even now. Life and sanctification, joys and sorrows, hopes and fears, sunshine and rain, diamonds and dust ~ it continues with each breath we take.

Wouldn’t you think it would be easy to move from sorrow to happiness? Yeah. Me too.
And it IS easy.
And yet it isn’t only easy.
As He has long sustained us in the past, so our Father yet sustains us now. He will continue to be faithful, for He can be nothing less than perfectly faithful. No matter where He leads us on our journey.

Long is the way, and very steep the slope;
Strengthen me once again, O God of Hope.

Far, very far, the summit doth appear;
But Thou art near, my God, but Thou art near.

And Thou wilt give me with my daily food,
Powers of endurance, courage, fortitude.

Thy way is perfect; only let that way
Be clear before my feet from day to day.

Thou art my Portion, saith my soul to Thee,
Oh, what a Portion is my God to me!

~Amy Carmichael~

We are so thankful for the children in our home. I still catch my breath when I say, write, or hear that word. Children. Will I ever get used to it? Will I someday take it for granted? Will the novelty of life eventually give way to the normalcy of it all? God forbid.
Yes, the Lord has given us great things. But we clearly remember what He brought us before He delivered Asher to us. And it seems beyond possible to me that we could ever take our sons for granted, or life in general, or medical science, or fertility, or romance, or a godly spouse for granted. And yet, but for the grace of God and the Spirit’s stirrings within us, we would quickly take His goodness and mercy for granted. We are sinners, and grossly imperfect.

This afternoon I have been meditating on Psalm 16. Some verses have particularly popped out at me and are repeating over and over in my heart. Not only has the Lord been good to us, causing our lines to fall pleasantly of late, but He is the One who has given us counsel. He is the One that has been our Captain and King through all of this! He is the One whose arm is mighty to save (Isaiah 63:1, Zephaniah 3:17)!

Psalm 16:6-9
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.
I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.

In Scripture, I love how “night” is often a metaphor for more than simply the dark hours of a 24-hour cycle. It can imply inner darkness, such as sorrow or grief. So when David says that his heart instructs him in the night seasons, I give thanks that we can proclaim the same. The Spirit inhabits our hearts, and as we remain faithful to the Father and set the Lord always before us, He will instruct us even when our path leads through terrible darkness. Amen! God has been our Sovereign Lord through our recurrent miscarriages, through treatment trials, and eventually through a full pregnancy and delivery of our son. It is because of Him that we have not been moved, that our faith has remained strong, and that He has been glorified.

We ARE glad! We GREATLY rejoice! And we DO have hope!

What kindness.

This is one of those things that I just can’t adequately describe in mere words. I try. And I fail miserably. Every time.

A young lady at our church who competes in speech and debate tournaments around the country interviewed me a number of weeks ago, in order to compose an interpretive speech about my “story.” Her speech would be ten minutes long, once it was finely honed. The fact is, at first I wondered how in the world she would find enough solid material to fill up ten minutes. And then I started to wonder how in the world she could ever capture the height, depth, width, breadth, and spirit of my story in just ten little minutes.

As the days move on, I get to find joy and gladness in cleaning, cooking, laundry, hospitality, playing trains, reading Frog & Toad, drinking tea by the blazing fire, watching Bald Eagles perch in a tree right behind our house and then swoop down to feast on something (along with a coyote, no less), washing diapers, making silly faces, singing psalms, answering countless “why?” questions, kissing away countless tears, soaking in dimples and smiles and new red fuzz atop my baby’s head.
And at the same time, I remember. I remember seven little sweeties who so quickly stole their way into my heart. I see their seven little boxes lined up on top of a dresser in our room. I see their names hanging from arrows in a hunter’s quiver. I wear those names on a necklace, where they rest right near my heart.
I still have shadows of scars from injections. I have a shelf full of leftover medical supplies. Certain smells, certain feelings, certain places ~ and I’m right back there again.

Grief.
I no longer live in grief. Now I live with grief.
It isn’t who I am, but it has shaped who I am.

When I see our boys, my Gabriel and my Asher, I feel like I can see pieces of our other children in them. I wonder if Hosanna would have had his brother’s steely eyes. And I wonder if any of their sisters had their long eyelashes and cuddly natures.

The perspective and thankfulness we have as we raise these boys for the glory of God and for the furtherance of His Kingdom is a blessing. It was painfully won, but it is a reward we reap.
We get the privilege of teaching, training, disciplining, discipling, and catechizing these boys.
We get the pleasures of playing, reading, wrestling, singing, running, cuddling, exploring, and living with these boys.
We get to clean up their messes, listen to their laughs, dry their tears, feed their bodies, fill their souls, and shepherd them for their life both on earth and for eternity.

What. Utter. Joy.

Father, hear us, we are praying,
Hear the words our hearts are saying;
We are praying for our children.

Keep them from the powers of evil,
From the secret, hidden peril;
Father, hear us for our children.

From the whirlpool that would suck them,
From the treacherous quicksand, pluck them;
Father, hear us for our children.

From the worldling’s hollow gladness,
From the sting of faithless sadness,
Father, Father, keep our children.

Through life’s troubled waters steer them;
Through life’s bitter battle cheer them;
Father, Father, be Thou near them.

Read the language of our longing,
Read the wordless pleadings thronging,
Holy Father, for our children.

And wherever they may bide,
Lead them Home at eventide.

~Amy Carmichael~

Thanks be to God. I know some deep sorrows of motherhood. But I also know deep pleasures. I know the faithfulness of God during the day as well as the night. I have been sustained by Christ in all things. And I glorify Him, offering my hands and my home, all that I am and all that I have, for His glorious service.

Not pretending that I have even begun to truly scratch the surface ~ but realizing that now I get to go live out what I am writing, as I go away from the laptop and back to the beautiful boys God has given me and the beautiful tasks He has put before me.

Selah.