Category: Grief

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Wednesday March 3, 2010

“With Feathers”

“Hope” is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —

And sweetest — in the Gale — is heard —
And sore must be the storm —
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm —

I’ve heard it in the chillest land —
And on the strangest Sea —
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb — of Me.

~Emily Dickinson~

Today I cry with Job, “Oh that I might have my request, and that God would fulfill my hope” (Job 6:8), for I am clinging to a hope which is not seen; “hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?” (Romans 8:24). But the Lord is my hope, and He is my strength & salvation. No matter what He does to me (and for me), His praise will remain in my mouth and hidden in my heart. With Job, may I proclaim with believing faith: “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face” (Job 13:15).

“To Hope”

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my – mind’s eye – flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed –
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head.

~John Keats, 1815~

Steven and I are seeking to “…rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3-5). I am thankful, looking at this passage right now, for the confident knowledge I have that God’s love has been poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit — hope does not put me to shame! So often, I feel ashamed and humiliated by my physical/emotional difficulties borne from the burden of losing my babies — but I have hope in the Lord & [although somewhat flickering] hope for the future. And I will not be put to shame. Amen & hallelujah!

May we not grow weary in our prayers or in our efforts. May we have the faith of Abraham, of whom Paul said, “in hope he believed against hope” (Romans 4:18). May we, as Abraham, not lose our hope or weaken our faith when we consider our bodies (Romans 4:19) and the trials we face. Of course we have not been personally promised that our offspring would be as the stars in the sky — yet we feel called to produce children for the Kingdom, be it in Heaven or on the earth, and we can only move forward according to the call of God and the wisdom He gives us at any given time. Therefore, may we bold in seeking the face of our Father, bold in pursuing what means we must for physical fruitfulness, and bold in clinging to hope for more children in the Kingdom on earth. May we have no distrust to cause us to waver concerning God’s covenantal promises to us, and may we grow strong in faith as we give glory to God!! (Romans 4:20) May our faith be a witness to the world of God’s covenant-keeping love (His hesed), and to His power in our weakness. May it be accounted to us as righteousness (Romans 4:22-25).

“Safe In The Father’s Arms”

Far away from fear and death
Do my children play;
Never to know the sting of sin
On their spotless soul;
Never to know a single tear
Nor stab of searing pain.

In the Father’s arms are they,
His face do they behold.
In arms of tender comfort
They rest in loving cheer;
Salty taste of tears
Never to crease their face;
Not burnt by scorching sun
Nor chilled by thunderous storms.
Untouched by earthly shadows
And haunting pangs of night,
They giggle in golden warmth
And snuggle in contented glee.

Lifted higher than dreams can go,
They soar above
The failings of earth
And thrive in the love
Of the Father
Whose tender grace sparkles
And wondrous ways smile
With endless delight.

Yet my arms feel empty.
With painful chest
I long to hold them
To my breast;
To see their smiling faces
And ease my painful fears.
Yet this I know:
They are safe
In the Master’s care.
And I shall see them face to face
And hold them when I’m there.

They’ve breezed their way to Paradise.
How smooth their getting there;
So free from blame and shame.
More pain than them I’ve known,
Yet our destiny’s the same.
Their journey there was easy;
Long and hard is mine.
But whether quick or long,
We will meet again.

Till then, my loves, rest easy.
Behold his face and rejoice
Without a single fear.
I shall come to you some day
And you shall dry my tears,
As I weep in joy
To see your cheery face.
And even now at times
I think I hear your giggles,
But rest, my loves, in his arms,
Till I am with you there.

~unknown~

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
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Sunday February 28, 2010

If thou but suffer God to guide thee
 And hope in Him through all thy ways,
 He'll give thee strength, whate'er betide thee,
 And bear thee through the evil days.
 Who trusts in God's unchanging love
 Builds on the Rock that naught can move.
                
 What can these anxious cares avail thee,
 These never-ceasing moans and sighs?
 What can it help if thou bewail thee
 O'er each dark moment as it flies?
 Our cross and trials do but press
 The heavier for our bitterness.
                
 Be patient and await His leisure
 In cheerful hope, with heart content
 To take whate'er thy Father's pleasure
 And His discerning love hath sent,
 Nor doubt our inmost wants are known
 To Him who chose us for His own.
                
 God knows full well when times of gladness
 Shall be the needful thing for thee.
 When He has tried thy soul with sadness
 And from all guile has found thee free,
 He comes to thee all unaware
 And makes thee own His loving care.
                
 Nor think amid the fiery trial
 That God hath cast thee off unheard,
 That he whose hopes meet no denial
 Must surely be of God preferred.
 Time passes and much change doth bring
 And sets a bound to everything.
                
 All are alike before the Highest;
 'Tis easy to our God, we know,
 To raise thee up, though low thou liest,
 To make the rich man poor and low.
 True wonders still by Him are wrought
 Who setteth up and brings to naught.
                
 Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving,
 Perform thy duties faithfully,
 And trust His Word, though undeserving,
 Thou yet shalt find it true for thee.
 God never yet forsook in need
 The soul that trusted Him indeed.
 ~Georg Neumark, 1640~
We didn't sing the above song today in church. But my dear friend (who was today's accompanist) played a few
verses of it for the meditation at the beginning of the service.
 I was (need I even say it?) in tears.
 What a beautiful hymn. How true. How bittersweet. How heart-wrenching.
 How I wish I could recite these words with unswerving faith.
 It's hard.
 
 It is hard to believe that God will be with me and give me strength, no matter what circumstances He brings me.
 It is hard to trust that He will bear us through these evil days.
 It is hard to be patient, awaiting His leisure.
 It is hard to have cheerful hope (especially the cheerful part).
 It is hard to even believe sometimes that my inmost wants are actually known to God (what, isn't He listening?).
 It is hard to be confident in the fact that God has not cast me off unheard in this fiery trial (when it so  often feels
like maybe He has).
 It is hard to see others receiving blessing without obvious trial and grief, and not wonder if they are then the
preferred children of God (does my heavenly Father have "favorites"?).
 It is hard to know that it is easy for God to raise up and bring low, for that simply reminds me that my
bringing-low is His will, and it is not out of His grasp to stop.
 It is hard to sing, hard to pray, hard to keep His ways; hard to perform duties faithfully; hard to trust His word.
 It is hard to believe that I, so undeserving, will find His words true for me. Even me. Even my family. Even our
broken hearts. Even our grieving souls.
 
 But it is so.
 There is no denying.
 Only Satan wants to confuse me and confound me.
 My Father wants to bring beauty from these ashes.
 
 As my husband recently said, we are being released from the immediate hot burns of grief; the Lord is pulling us
out of that particular fire (for now). But here come the hammer and tongs. He is shaping us and molding us. He is
conforming us more into the image of His Son.
 So we are grimacing, bracing for it.
 And we are eagerly awaiting the beauty on the other side of the pain.

It was hard to sing some of the songs in church today with hope and faith, without my voice wobbling and my eyes filling with tears…
from Psalm 34: In every time I’ll always bless the LORD; His praise will ever be within my mouth… O fear the LORD, all you He has redeemed! For those who fear Him never suffer want. Young lions hunger; they may lack their food; But those who seek the LORD shall have no want.
from “Blessed Jesus, At Thy Word”: Open Thou our ears and heart; Help us by Thy Spirit’s pleading; Hear the cry Thy people raises; Hear and bless our prayers and praises… Grant that we Thy Word may trust And obtain true consolation…
from “The Son of God Goes Forth to War”: A noble army, men and boys, The matron and the maid, Around the Savior’s throne rejoice, In robes of light arrayed… O God, to us may grace be giv’n To follow in their train!

Today, as on other Sabbath days, I was allowed to worship in Spirit and in Truth. I went to the Heavenly Jerusalem today, to worship at the feet of Jesus. I brought my joys and my brokenness. And He did not turn me away. He fed me. He gave me His own body in broken bread and spilt wine.
And (just one other icing-on-the-cake reason to love it) I got to fellowship with my children. All six of them. We were together as a complete family, as on no other day of the week. And we praised together.

It is hard sometimes to sing certain words – either I know their truths too deeply, or I feel I perhaps will never deeply enough feel their truths (a bit of each usually).

I love reciting the Creeds. Especially the parts about looking for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
I look forward to Heaven.
Probably moreso than many other young women.
But as Samuel Rutherford puts it (sorry for the paraphrase), I just have more jewels in Heaven now, and simply more reasons to exult when it is my time to join them.
Elisabeth Elliot said, ” I wonder if one of the reasons God doesn’t give us more clues about what heaven is going to be like is that we would never manage to keep our minds on our work if we knew. It would be like telling little children ahead of time where the Christmas presents are hidden. ” (Be Still My Soul, pg 142). I think it’s true! Because today I feel like Christmas is coming, and I can’t wait to start ripping off the bows and peeling away the layers of paper to see what beautiful secrets are itching to be uncovered.

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Sunday February 28, 2010

My father seems to have a plethora of excellent resources on spiritual and biblical things. I love that about him. So when I recently posted a George Downame quote (the one my lovely friend Erin sent me with the bouquet of flowers), he was reminded of some Downame resources he’s used in the past when preparing sermons & studying Scripture. This last week, he gave me some pages (with some excellent spellings and such, you’ll notice!) from “A Godly And Learned Treatise of Prayer,” and I wanted to share some highlights here with you all. Prayer is something we all should pray to grow in, with wisdom and diligence.

excerpts from “A Godly And Learned Treatise of Prayer”
by George Downame, 1640. [sic]

 

This praying with earnest desire is commended to us in the word of God by divers significant phrases…

For, as Augustine saith, For the most part this businesse is effected better with grones then words, with weeping rather then speaking.

In matters temporall or spirituall which are necessary to salvation… as we are to ask them conditionally, so far forth as they may stand with Gods glory and the good of our selves and our brethren, so are we to believe that he will so far forth grant them, and therefore that he will either grant our desire or that which is better. For which cause in such requests we are most willingly with our Saviour Christ to submit our will and desires to the will and pleasure of God…

After our prayer is ended we must quietly rest in the good will and pleasure of God; not doubting but the Lord as he hath heard our prayers, so in his good time will grant the same as shall be most for his glory and our good. And this is the meaning of the word Amen, wherewith our Saviour hath taught us (as it were) to seal up our prayers: for thereby as we signifie the consent of our desire, so also the assent of faith.

Secondly, as we crave good things at the hands of God, so we our selves must endeavour to attain unto them by all good means possible. For otherwise our prayer is a tempting of God, as if we would have our desire granted as it were by miracle, and a fruit of no faith or unfeigned desire of the thing asked. For if we did truly believe and unfeignedly desire the thing which we ask, we would leave no good means unattempted for the obtaining thereof. As for example, when I pray for faith or any other spirituall grace, I must besides my prayer use all the good means carefully which the Lord hath ordained for the begetting and increasing of those graces in us, as the hearing of the word preached, receiving the Sacrament, reading and meditating in the word, &c.

Thirdly, if having prayed and used other means we do not obtain our desires, let us before we go any further labour to find out the cause.

Fourthly, having used the means and endeavoured to remove the impediments, we are to persist and persevere in prayer without fainting. To which purpose our Saviour propounded the parable of the widow and the judge, Luke 18.1. giving us to understand that those things which we do not obtain at the first, by reason of our perseverance and importunitie shall be granted.

Fifthly, as we are to persist with a kind of importunitie in our prayers, so are we with patience to expect the Lords leisure…

Sixthly, if having persisted in prayer and long expected the Lords leisure we yet have not obtained our suit, insomuch that the Lord may seem rather wholly to deny it then for a time to delay it, we are to rest in the good will and pleasure of God, being perswaded that he hath heard our prayers in a better manner then we desired, hearing us though not ad voluntatem yet ad utilitatem, that is, for our profit though not according to our will; after the manner of wise and carefull parents, who will not give to their children what they ask but what is profitable; and of good Physicians, who will not grant their patients what they desire but what is expedient.

As for example; A man being trouble with some infirmitie, which is as a prick in his flesh moving him to sinne, prayeth unto God to be delivered from it: but howsoever his prayer in desiring to be freed from evil is acceptable unto God, yet it may be he will not grant it, the denial being more for his glory and our profit: for his glory, because his power is manifested in our weaknesse; to make us work out our salvation with fear and trembling, to make us more circumspect of our wayes, knowing that we carry such an enemy about us, as if we stand not upon our guard will be ready to foil us.

But if contrariwise the Lord hath heard our prayers and granted our requests, then are we, First, to be thankfull unto God for his goodnesse… Secondly, our love of God must be increased and our faith confirmed with greater confidence to make our prayers unto him for the time to come…

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Friday February 19, 2010

I have not started to read “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis yet. But Steven is still reading it, and gleaning a lot from it. He shares tidbits with me occasionally.
This is one I am so thankful he shared with me.
And I wanted to share it with you.

I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history, and if I don’t stop writing that history at some quite arbitrary point, there’s no reason why I should ever stop. There is something new to be chronicled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I’ve already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn’t a circular trench. But it isn’t. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn’t repeat.
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Thursday February 11, 2010

Thou hidden source of calm repose,
Thou all sufficient love divine,
My help and refuge from my foes,
And joy and everlasting love;
To me with Thy dear Name are given
Pardon and holiness and Heaven.

Jesus, my all in all Thou art,
My rest in toil, my ease in pain,
The healing of my broken heart,
In war my peace, in loss my gain,
My smile beneath the tyrant’s frown,
In shame my glory and my crown.

In want my plentiful supply,
In weakness my almighty power,
In bonds my perfect liberty,
My light in Satan’s darkest hour,
In grief my joy unspeakable,
My life in death, my Heaven in hell.

~Charles Wesley, 1749

My thoughts:

  • He is a hidden source. Hidden. Unseen yet still there.
  • To me, my very own self; He is calmness, all-sufficiency, help, and refuge.
  • I am secure in Him. Today and for eternity. He will not -He can not– lose me, nor I Him.
  • When He bestowed upon me the name of Christian, He also bestowed upon me His gifts of pardon, holiness, and an eternity in Heaven.
  • Jesus is everything I need: rest, ease, healing, peace, gains, joys, glory, crown, full supply, power, liberty, light, life, and Heaven. He is everything, indeed.
  • He will heal my broken heart — I don’t need anything but Him for my band-aid.
  • I need no other glory and crown but Him to cover and reverse my shame.
  • In my grief, He is yet my joy — when no other joys present themselves (and even when they do), He is the ultimate joy that will not get rid of the grief but will make the grief survivable.
  • He is my life in death — in my own death, and in the deaths of my children. He is their life. And He keeps my life.
  • Through the hellishness of earth, He is Heaven to me. He will bring me there. To meet with Him there. And until then, He gives me the hope of Heaven to survive the here & now.
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Monday February 8, 2010

    Our pastoral intern, Ben Alexander, preaches excellently. I am always both encouraged and challenged by the words of Truth which Christ speaks through him.
    This morning he preached on 1 Corinthians 13 — you know, the famous “love” section. He highlighted verse 7:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.“

    It made me think about the members of Christ’s body that have truly reached out to us with such Christlike love lately. It isn’t just anyone who has loved us with this true type of love. The type that bears with us, believes with us, hopes with us, and endures with us. There are a number of people who have tangibly loved us this way. And my eyes filled with encouraged tears as soon as he began reading his sermon text this morning.
    A dear friend sent me an email not long ago saying that they find my husband & me to be exemplifying the love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13. The email meant a great deal to me, and blessed me. To know that we are ministering to others, proclaiming the Gospel through our life, and showcasing Christ’s love even in our grief and pain — that knowledge blessed me. And so I was reminded of that this morning.
    But in all honesty, I do not feel deserving of such encouragement. I do not feel like I bear all things or endure things — not well, at any rate. I feel like believing and hoping are grasping at straws for me some days.
    But may the Lord enable me to continually grow and become established in Him, conforming more and more to His image, so that I may (ere I die) be mature in this.
    Upon hearing the sermon text for today, the number one person that popped into my head was my Steven. He is patient and kind; never envious or boastful, arrogant or rude; he does not insist on his own way (even though he knows I would necessarily submit to him if he did); he is not easily irritated or harbor resentment; he rejoices in Truth; and truly, truly he bears all things (good, bad, ugly…) with me & for me, he believes all things (by the power of God in him) with me & for me, he hopes all things (for his hope is grounded deeply in the Lord), and he endures all things (I don’t even need to begin a list here). This man loves with a never-ending, never-failing love.
My Steven epitomizes this section of Scripture.
Praise the Lord. And amen!
    The next set of people that popped into my head are my parents. Never have such parents existed before, I think. (I know, I know — I’m partial, right?) They bear, believe, hope, and endure so much with us. Tangibly.
Praise the Lord. And hallelujah!
    And then there are others. Some who read this very blog! 🙂
Thank you for loving us with Christlike love.

    I know that Galatians 6:2 (“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”) is referring specifically to burdens of transgression, but I think the principle is largely (and appropriately) applied to other burdensome situations as well. My dearest friend’s mother leads a Bible study I attend, and she said recently “if you are bearing one another’s burdens, you should feel burdened. Truly burdened.” So for those of you who are specifically loving us in the way of helping to bear our burden of the past year — thank you for being burdened, and may our kind Father in Heaven bless you with a doublefold reward.

This morning, Ben Alexander said

“Maturity is the man of the most love.“

and

“Maturity is a person who knows that God loves them…
Who hates their sin and loves their forgiveness.“

I liked those snippets.
He also said

“Post millenialism is confident faith in God’s victory over the world.“

I love God’s victorious reign!

The five main points of the sermon application are as follows:
1) Christ’s enduring love is not provincial.
2) Christ’s enduring love is not self-preserving.
3) Christ’s enduring love does not believe a person can’t change.
4) Christ’s enduring love does not give up on people.
5) Christ’s enduring love places maximum value on the other person.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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Sunday February 7, 2010

I am thinking about mourning this morning.
After the death of one of my children, I wear a lot of black. This is very traditional, of course, but I do it out of my own manner of handling grief. I don’t do it truly purposefully every day. I do tend to do it purposefully when I go out in public — which, for a few weeks’ minimum following the death of one of my babies, tends to mostly be on Sunday. I wear black skirts, shirts, scarves — sometimes I even cover my head with a black hat or scarf.
Not because I find this necessary.
But because it is one traditional way of showing grief & mourning that is still acceptable and (although perhaps rarely) acknowledged.
I have been reading about grief and mourning in Scripture lately. Doing word studies mostly. Just for personal perusal and thought-provoking reading.
I will share a few thoughts briefly before I head to church, where I will not only worship my Father along with all the saints triumphant who have gone before me — but where my entire family will be present in one single pew. My husband, myself, our Gabriel… with all of our other children who we do not get to see or hold on a daily basis. Covenant Hope, Glory Hesed, Promise Anastasis, Peace Nikonos, and Mercy Kyrie. I get to sit with them today. Worship with them today. Be in their presence. And they get to be in mine. They may never have seen the love in my eyes or felt my milk on their tongues — but today, on the one day of the week where this is mystically possible, we get to be together. As one whole family. Complete.
And I love that more than I can tell you. Bitterly. And sweetly.

Psalm 38:6
I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
   all the day I go about mourning.
Lamentations 5:15
The joy of our hearts has ceased;
    our dancing has been turned to mourning.
~True verses. Poignant.~
Isaiah 22:12
In that day the Lord GOD of hosts
   called for weeping and mourning,
   for baldness and wearing sackcloth…
~The Lord *called* for these things. I love that. He calls for weeping and mourning, and their signs.~
Ezekiel 27:29-32
The mariners and all the pilots of the sea
   stand on the land
and shout aloud over you
   and cry out bitterly.
They cast dust on their heads
    and wallow in ashes;
they make themselves bald for you
   and put sackcloth on their waist,
and they weep over you in bitterness of soul,
   with bitter mourning.
In their wailing they raise a lamentation for you
   and lament over you…
~Just  more evidences of physical, demonstrated mourning and lamentation.~
James 4:9-10
Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.
~We are sometimes commanded to mourn, be wretched, and weep. To mourn and be gloomy. To be humbled, even humiliated. Very interesting.~
Jeremiah 9:17-18
Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider, and call for the mourning women to come;
   send for the skillful women to come;
let them make haste and raise a wailing over us,
    that our eyes may run down with tears
   and our eyelids flow with water.
~I find it so interesting that it is referenced as skillful to mourn well… wailing and crying. Very thought-provoking.~
Isaiah 60:19-22
The sun shall be no more
   your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
   give you light;
but the LORD will be your everlasting light,
   and your God will be your glory.
Your sun shall no more go down,
   nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
   and your days of mourning shall be ended.
Your people shall all be righteous;
    they shall possess the land forever,
the branch of My planting, the work of My hands,
   that I might be glorified.
The least one shall become a clan,
   and the smallest one a mighty nation;
I am the LORD;
   in its time I will hasten it.
~O Lord, hasten it. Be glorified and mighty. Even unto us, a small one, make us a clan and a mighty nation in Your time.~
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
   He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
   and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
   to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
   the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
   the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
~I praise God for such evidences of comfort, a beautiful headdress, oil of gladness, a garment of praise! May my family be considered an oak of righteousness planted by God! And may He be glorified!!~
Revelation 21:3-5
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”
~I can not wait for all things to be finished being made new!! When there will be no more tears or death or mourning or crying or pain!! O Lord, hasten Your day, and bring glory to Yourself!!~

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Tuesday February 2, 2010

Today would have been Promise’s due date, and I could have shared newborn photos.
Or today I would have had Peace’s “big ultrasound” pictures to share with you.
But God’s ways are most certainly not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts.

So today I am sharing Mercy’s memory photos with you instead.
This mommy loves my children not one mite less for the fact that I only got a handful of weeks with each of them.





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Monday February 1, 2010

Read this entry of Steven’s, and the excerpts of Mr. Palpant’s prayer.

Some of the sentences that made my chin quiver and my eyes pour out like little salty fountains:

~”We are those who buried another child, though we prayed against it, and though we hoped, and now the dark is very dark and we are often tired in the very center of our being.”
~”Forgive us for wanting to simply get through to the other side of the anguish, unwilling to sit in the desert and let you wash us off and clothe us and be with us. Forgive us for forgetting our great heritage of suffering and the Cross that stands as the sign and purpose of our mortal lives. Forgive us, Father, for hoping our joy would come cheaply.”
~”Forgive us for keeping our suffering to ourselves, for hiding behind a stoic smile, for selfishly wishing we could be only left alone.”

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Friday January 29, 2010

      I am still plugging along with some reading. Not as much as I was before, as I get too easily distracted by my thoughts – and then I end up getting very little out of the reading material, and the pages get too dimpled with salty tears to make it worthwhile. Maybe in another couple of weeks I will get back to books. For now I am mostly sticking with sewing and crafts and movies for distraction. (Yes, I admit that distraction is a great coping mechanism for me right now.)
      But when I feel strong enough for it, I am still delving page by page into The One Year Book of Hope. It is divided up into themes – five devotionals on each theme, along with an intro, closing meditation, and even guidelines for prayer. While it is difficult, it is wonderful. Bittersweet. Stingingly helpful. Accurately poignant.
This week I have been (ironically enough) in the theme of Death.
      The author, Mrs. Guthrie, says of her own deceased baby “…she no longer needed air to breathe. And I wondered if I was going to be able to.” I can 100% identify with that. There are moments when it physically hurts to inhale & exhale because of my grief. My body is both physical and emotional/spiritual. These aspects are tied in a unique way that only God truly understands. When my heart hurts so deeply, sometimes even my body hurts. Normal bodily functions that I normally don’t think about -like breathing- can become painful and laborious.
      Mrs. Guthrie also says, “…I’m reminded how natural death is for everyone and yet how completely unnatural it feels.” Yes. Unnatural. It feels foreign. And yet familiar. What an odd dichotomy.
Here are some quotes that I identify with and appreciate. I am thankful for this book, and thankful for the Word of God which Mrs. Guthrie weaves throughout. I am thankful that the Lord continues to speak to me and open Himself to me during my grief. He is faithful, and He is good, and He is my Father.

On Death:
~…[D]eath is not the end of the story.
~Death will be defeated.
~Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me.
When we are in the fold of God, death is impotent to destroy us. It is depleted of its evil power. The valley where we encounter death is transformed into a place of peaceful comfort; it is in this valley that we are more aware of God’s presence than every before.
~[Of her daughter]: I would like to see her grow. I would like to know her as an adult. But I also know that this life is filled with pain. And I don’t think it is a tragedy that she will have the opportunity to be spared from evil, from the pain of this life, and be in the presence of God. This is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I feel.

On Life:
~I craved the comfort of knowing that… life continues beyond the grave in the presence of God. This confidence was and is the only comfort when you stand at the grave.
~We can turn from God in the lowest moments of life, allowing our offense to alienate us from God until we are out in the cold, devoid of comfort and hope. Or we can turn toward Him, cry out to Him, and place our faith in Him as our sole source for life.
~It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
~I understand the pull and pleasure of drawing up the covers in an endeavor to sleep away the pain that comes with loss.
~…[T]his life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God.
~Every life is valuable because God Himself gives life and breath to everything. [Acts 17:24-25, 27-28]

On the “Whys of Suffering:
~So where is God in our suffering? He is redeeming it.
~[E]xperiencing suffering can build up your faith and force you to go deeper with God, or it can crush your spirit and squash your soul’s longing for God.

On 2 Corinthians 12:7-9:
~There was a time in my life when I read God’s response to Paul in this passage as a dismissive pat on the head. Perhaps because I’d so cheapened the significance of God’s grace. Perhaps because I’d heard similar words spoken in a tone that seemed to dismiss the suffering this promise is applied to. Or perhaps I had not believed that God’s grace is up to the task of addressing some of the suffering I see around me.
~It [God’s grace] will be delivered to you in the form and quantity and timing your circumstances require.
~The grace God provides to you is enough for whatever suffering He allows into your life, not just enough to survive but enough to equip you.

On the Holy Spirit/Comforter:
~Significant suffering leaves us with significant questions.
~We want the truth, not just cliches or religious-sounding pat answers. This is when we need the Holy Spirit like no other time, when we’re facing an uncertain future and trying to make sense of it all.
~God reveals Himself to those who earnestly seek Him.
~I think we expressed trust more out of a desire to trust than a confession of the reality in our souls.
~[W]e felt so guilty that so many people were praying for us so diligently when we were so prayerless–partly because it was so difficult to know how to pray.
~When we are weak-willed and weak-minded, when distress has consumed our energy and emotions, the Holy Spirit helps us.
~And when your life if bumped by difficulty, what will come spilling out will be what fills you–an abundance of the Holy Spirit.