Frailty

It is odd to be in a place in life where I feel frail of body, frail of heart, frail of mind.

It is good timing though. As I approach a few different speaking engagements this spring, I am spending a lot of time meditating on Psalms. I wish I could completely digest this huge stack of books I have on all-things-Psalms. What I have noticed is that, if Scripture at large is the milk and meat that I need to grow and thrive in my walk with Christ, it is the book of Psalms that is my water.

It is what refreshes me.
It is what washes me.
It is what satiates me.
It is what overflows me.
It is what spills out of me.

I know that Jesus Himself is the Living Water. I’m not denying that. 🙂 But I’m simply noticing ever more and more how much I glean from the psalms, grow by them, will never tire of them, find them applicable in every situation.

And it is such a blessed gift that during a season where I feel explicitly frail that it is basically a necessity that I immerse myself in Psalms and the words of others who have been immersed in Psalms. This is good work. And it is my prayer that through the immersion, God would gird me up, make me strong, and grant me faithful grit to persevere.

PSALM 138
I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.
2 I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.
3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
4 All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O Lord, when they hear the words of thy mouth.
5 Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the Lord: for great is the glory of the Lord.
6 Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
8 The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

Only Daughter

EJCatthebeach

She runs into the house without even slamming the door—the loud clomp clomp of her periwinkle Wellies announces her entrance just prior to the shout in the foyer, “I want to come in! I’m frozen!” Chapped, peeling lips are pale beneath her runny nose and wind-kissed cheeks. Heavy breaths through her mouth along with icy white splotches on her coat are evidence of the five-year-old’s best efforts at a snowball fight with two older brothers. Tossing mittens halfway down the hallway and grabbing off her purple knit cap, she shakes her head like a puppy fresh from the bath, letting loose deep red tangles of hair that cling to the sweat on her neck and melted snowflakes on her freckled face. Sitting down with both exhaustion and effort, she tugs off her boots, bringing along striped wool socks which leave little balls of fuzz between clammy toes.

While her hands unclip navy blue hand-me-down snowpants and unzip a pink snowcoat two sizes too big, she hears her mother hollering, “close the front door!” Leaving haphazard piles of thawing snowclothes and strewn accessories, she latches the door and runs on tiptoes. The little girl who previously looked as plump as a marshmallow is stripped down to mere lace-edged white leggings and a long-sleeved magenta shirt, showing the gangly limbs and thin frame of a little sapling not yet fully grown. She finds a silver tulle skirt with sparkly sequins freckling the top layer, a coordinating silver knit sweater with metallic threads woven throughout, two pink grosgrain barrettes, and a hairbrush to deliver to her mother.

She finds her stoking the fire, and scurries to squeeze her softer frame. With a heaving grip and exaggerated groan, her arms wrap around matronly hips, smiling upward with her chin pressed into her mother’s belly button. “Get me dressed!” she demands. She swivels her body and shakes her pigtails. She grins and sighs as her mother fawns over her, dolling her up in the warmth of the nearby fire which pops and crackles. She stares into dancing flames until her blueberry eyes glaze over and her breathing slows into little sighs beneath her sinking head as one ear nearly reaches a shoulder in relaxation.

“Read to me, Mommy,” the daughter quietly pleads, blinking slowly and stifling a yawn, as the last barrette is clipped. Mother reaches for a nearby stack of books, and pulls her daughter onto her lap. The thin little girl reclines against the pillowed warmth of her mother’s body, covers her knees with her shimmering skirt, and rests her temple against her mother’s breast. She insists on turning the pages, interjecting commentary, and correcting each slip of her mother’s tongue.

The door slams. The little girl is immediately erect, rigid, alert. “Boys?” she calls out, cupping her hand alongside her mouth. With a quick kiss on her mother’s lips, she wriggles herself out of her mother’s lap and races down the hallway back to the foyer, welcoming her boisterous brothers with clapping of hands and loud hurrahs. One of her barrettes falls askew.

EJCatthestore

Kindling

I do not think I can put my fingers on how many blog posts I have written in my head over the last two months or so. It’s amazing how many times I will think, I didn’t publish that on my blog? Oops. Sad but true. I continually think of things I would like to write, to share my experiences or musings, to garner the possibility of continued conversation with others online… but apparently finding the time to write them down has happened even less often than I thought. There’s a desire for writing that was kindled in me long ago and it hasn’t lessened over the decades. In the writing course I took with Jonathan Rogers a few months ago, I received critique which actually encouraged me to “trust my instincts” and do less reworking & manipulation. I was also encouraged to consider why I write and for whom I write. This is something I continue to ponder. I think perhaps I actually write in order to share my thoughts and experiences, to give myself away in a sense, but it is somewhat more of a “selfish” endeavor than I thought. JR pointed out that we should write to connect the reader with the writing. But I think I often write to connect the reader with the writer (myself).

So I’ve had my love of writing, my love for sharing my writing, challenged a little lately. But it hasn’t snuffed the kindled coals in my soul for the art. I still long to give myself away through words. To invite you in through words. To cultivate relationships through words.

While I may not have an enormous margin (I mean really, where does anyone find this enigma called spare time anyway?!) for things like creative writing or blogging, I want to find ways to prioritize it. I have learned to find ways of prioritizing reading both with my children and on my own, so I have to believe that it’s possible if I am creative, innovative, and passionate enough about it.

In the meantime, I am going to share a little piece of creative writing I wrote for JR in March, and see if I can follow through on my kindling ideas to share some things with you through the summer. If you have topic ideas, give a shout in the comments. Otherwise, stay tuned while coals glimmer, for sparks are on the horizon.

MakeAnything

At the Barre

Originally written for a writing course I took this winter
with instructor Jonathan Rogers,
here is an artistic look at a turning point
in the developing feminine psyche of eight-year-old Melissa.

Peony1

 

At the Barre

Ballet lessons were a highlight of my childhood. The weekly foray into all things poised, wearing the uniform of black leotard and pink tights, made my little-girl heart skip and leap like my instructor Miss Tammy herself, yet the defining memory of my years in that ballet studio has little to do with plie, jete, or curtsy.

The rectangular studio held polished wood floors, two walls of barre, ample floor space for the ten little dancers in my class, and one entire wall of flawless mirror. The room smelled of sweat, hairspray, and leather. We practiced leg and foot positions standing along the wall of barre which faced opposite the mirror, one hand delicately resting on the barre, the other extended in a gracefully draping arc. Legs extended to lengthen muscles as our calves carved shapes along our pink tights, thighs tensed like gazelle necks, toes pointing until the leather of our pink shoes creaked with the strain. Necks were long, shoulders pressed down, shoulder blades squeezed tight on plank-straight backs, chins elegantly turned slightly left—just enough to see our reflections in the mirror, to self-correct poise and gauge how long until Mrs. Henshaw reached us for professional critique and instruction.

Miss Tammy was absent this particular day, replaced by the studio director Mrs. Henshaw. Everything about Mrs. Henshaw was as straight and strict as her name sounded. She moved along the line of dancers as we practiced repetitions of movement to classical records.

Born with German bones and raised alongside a puppy frolicking in an overgrown pasture, often crawling along a creek bed to catch tadpoles, ballet made me feel more lovely and dainty than anything. So there I stood, stately and feminine in uniform and practice, not a red hair fallen loose from the perfectly round bun atop my head, when Mrs. Henshaw reached me. Her gaze exacting, she studied the position and movement of my body, her chin aloft and cheekbones harsh. Without words, her terse hands stretched my leg further than my hamstring knew possible, and raised my elbow ever so slightly to achieve the angle of perfection.

Waiting for her eyebrows to soften and her head to give me the expected miniscule nod of approval before moving on to the dancer behind me, I almost relaxed into the genuine ballerina I saw in my reflection across the dance floor. I felt confidence begin to blossom in my bosom. And then Mrs. Henshaw cocked her proud head ever so slightly, pursed her lips in that confrontational way which makes the neck hair bristle, and reached her index finger out to poke it into my stomach. If her manicure had been less perfect she would have snagged my leotard with the veracity of her nail pressure. “Getting a little chubby,” she said coarsely.

She moved on to the dancer behind me, as though she had not just eviscerated me with the penetrating words of an irreversible cut.

Peony2