Today we will get on an airplane to fly over a thousand miles away for a medical treatment. A treatment that I’ve never had before. And I will get again in three more weeks. A treatment that might help solve some of my reproductive immunological problems – but there are zero guarantees.

So today I am trying to cling to hope. This is pretty much our last shot (no pun intended, although it does involve quite a few needles!). And if it doesn’t work… well… let’s just say that I can’t emotionally handle writing out that “what if” just yet. Not here. Not now.

We continue to cry out to our God, to beg for His mercy. For His heavy hand to be lifted from upon us, and for the Great Physician to put gracious, miraculous healing upon my womb.

To You, O LORD, I call;
my Rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if You be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy,
when I cry to You for help,
when I lift up my hands
toward Your most holy sanctuary.

~Psalm 28:1-2~

I don’t write about it as often at the moment — but the stress, agony, pain, and grief continue to rise. While I did not have to suffer PI (Primary Infertility), suffering through SI (Secondary Infertility) is positively devastating. Especially when it involves the death of so many babies. My babies. My sons & my daughters.

We are embarking now on the first step of our newest (and likely, last) medical protocols. It involves strange things. From pills (almost too many to count each day), to iv infusions every 3-4 weeks, to daily (twice daily if I get pregnant) injections in my stomach (thankfully no one sees that part of me but hubby anyway – it will get rather purple and ugly very quickly), to traveling to strange places for strange procedures.

I never imagined it would be this way.

Twenty-six years of dreaming about motherhood — all I ever wanted to be was a mommy, to have little boys and little girls to nurture, love, train, disciple. When I found out that babies aren’t born through a mommy’s belly button, I pretty much thought I had it all figured out. Hah. Little did I know…

For some of us, having babies is so incredibly complicated.

I just want to put this out there, because infertility (PI, SI, loss, & combos thereof) is one of those eggshells subjects that nobody speaks of. It’s actually referred to as ‘coming out of the closet’ when someone admits they suffer from it, because it is that much of a no-no subject. Well, I don’t treat it that way. I can’t. It’s not a secret.

It is my life.

9 Replies to “Complicated”

  1. Melissa, I will be praying for you! I will pray that God’s hand will be on you and that it will be His will to cause this procedure to work and for it to be the beginning of a new adventure for you; pregnancy to full term with a healthy baby to hold at the end!
    Also, I’ll be praying for safe travels for you guys. I cannot imagine the whirlwind of emotions you must be feeling, but I know God fully understands and knows your every anxiety, so I will be praying that His peace will be yours this weekend.

    much love,

  2. Praying mightily for you and Steven! Praying for the Lord to give the doctor’s wisdom, praying for strength each day and praying for the Lord to grant you mercy and healing.
    Praying for a miracle that you can hold in your arms.

    I know how you dislike planes/flying so I am praying for peace in that area; may your travels go exceptionally well and safely.
    With hugs and prayers,

  3. *praying* for you and Steven and that the Lord would bring hope and peace and joy into your life through this.
    As far as that last paragraph goes….I had no idea that it was a no-no subject. =(

    Psalms 18:2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

  4. Wow Melissa, thanks for the update! I had no idea you were pursuing options that included travel. You all will be in my prayers! Will you have to fly again in a few weeks for the next round of treatment? If you get pregnant, will that treatment (the daily one) be available locally to you guys?

  5. Thank you, sweet ladies, for your prayers. I can not tell you how much I appreciate that! It truly blesses my heart. I did survive the plane flights without too much trepidation – God was very kind to give us mostly smooth skies. 🙂 We are at a hotel for the night, and tomorrow morning will receive the treatment. Yes, we will have to fly again for this treatment again in another three weeks, but hopefully the two rounds will be sufficient, at least for many months. And yes, all of the other treatments are available locally for us, so we are thankful for that! I will give myself the daily injections, either a home-health-care worker or my dad will give me the iv infusions every few weeks, and of course the pills are all from local pharmacies. So hopefully we won’t have to travel *too* much for treatment. It does add to the stress of things, especially for me. 😉
    Anyway… thank you all so much. For the comments here as well as the emails. God is kind to give me a network of sisters who will uphold us during these trying times. *Thank you*. God bless you all. I’ll be in touch.
    p.s. Jaclynn, I guess the statistics might help: I believe it is 1 in 7 couples have primary infertility, and 40% of pregnancies miscarry, and I am not sure what percentage of families suffer from secondary infertility. But really, it’s such a scary and personal subject, and most people just don’t talk about it. (And that is totally their right – but that doesn’t make it easier for them to bear.)

  6. Not sure how I stumbled across here…but glad I did and will add your treatments and success to my prayers.

  7. I am praying for you, dear friend. May God bless you and bring about miracles through this new treatment. Love you!

  8. I’ve followed your blog periodically over the past few months, and I believe we sat behind you in church sometime last fall, but I wanted to say a quick “hi” and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I also struggled with SI and sought treatments (though mine was limited to bloodwork and some pills). When we did get pregnant, I also had to do twice daily injections (I’m assuming yours will be blood thinners too?). Blessings on you and your family!

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