Most of the time, I can not stay curled up in a ball in my bed, alone with my tears… when I went through the majority of my miscarriages in the past, it really wasn’t so hard to spend hours of my day curled up with my tears, because Gabriel either wasn’t around yet, or was so little he was oblivious to Mommy’s pain. At this point, the miracles of life (times THREE, thanks be to God!) around me require my attention, and require me not to give in to a drowning of tears throughout the day. It almost feels like I have to schedule time alone in the bathroom (which comes at a premium anyway, of course) in order to let go of my guard and indulge in tears. I miss my darling baby. I hate that I am empty, when I should be round and full; just a few days ago, there was absolutely no buttoning of my jeans, but suddenly, I can almost button them again without a problem, and I hate that. There are so many dreams that lie shattered around me now, and I don’t have the strength to sweep them up and toss them away. I still want to grasp at those dreams… giving it all up just feels impossible. Last evening I was stopped in my tracks by some pains in my belly, and out of nowhere, I grabbed my belly and thought, “no! Oh God, please don’t let anything be wrong with my baby!” and in another split second, I remembered the awful truth: there ISN’T anything wrong with my baby, because my baby is truly alive in the glories of heaven where there are no more tears, no more sorrows, no more pain. But as for Mommy… I’m left here feeling empty, with nothing but blood and shattered dreams to show for it, with tears and sorrows and pain.
That’s one aspect of my reality.
Then 5pm rolled around…
A friend showed up on my doorstep with a box full of freshly homemade Mexican food ~ enough probably for three dinners for us! She apologized for not calling to tell me she was coming, and the thing is… having her show up like that just oozed Grace.
A few minutes later my darling husband got home from work, and brought in the mail. In that mail was a box containing a bouquet of beautiful lavender flowers from some of our dearest friends who recently moved eight hours away. In that mail were a couple of cards from people who wanted to share their prayers and love and sympathies with us. In that mail was a box packed full to the brim with tangible love: coffee beans, chocolates, notes of sincere Christian love, and gift cards for dinners & lattes ~ a box from people I hardly know, yet who love us with such Christlikeness and such Grace that it brought us to tears and absolutely blew me away.
When someone in the body of Christ is hurting, the rest of the body ought to feel it. And this evening, I was shown, through various gifts that God graced some of His people with, that parts of His body are throbbing with us and for us. Nobody had to tell these people to love on us ~ they just did it. There was no committee organizing these folks to surround us with gifts ~ God urged them to use what gifts they had, and they did it. These things today are added to a couple other cards and flowers we received a few days ago after we found out our baby had died. And once again, we are reminded that the Lord inspires His people to do His work, and that His faithful followers are called to share Grace together not because we have to, but because we love to and long to. Thanks be to God.
Romans 12:6
Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…
Oh, how thankful we are that the Lord our God takes care of His children, and that He uses others of His children in order to be His tangible arms!
Brethren, thank you for blessing us with your gifts that God has given you; the gifts of words of encouragement, the gift of being our prayer warriors, the gifts of hospitality and helping us feed the hungry bellies here in our home, the gifts of beauty as you put flowers on our tables. Thank you for listening to the urging of God to share the grace He has given to you. Thank you for bearing with us in our weakness. Thank you for weeping with those who weep. May the Lord truly bless you and reward you for these sacrifices of grace.
I’m so thankful that friends are showering you with love, grace and tangible blessings! There is already something on the way from me but not sure when it will arrive exactly. I just wish I was closer to hug you in person and help out somehow.
I’m sorry that you are empty and grieving instead of round and full and joyous with life inside of you still. ((Hugs))