Nine

Nine weeks ago today we said goodbye to our baby boy.

Most people think it’s been much longer, what with all the craziness and bustle of the holidays that has passed since then. It is easy to lose track, or take time for granted, especially when someone is distanced from the situation.
Since losing our son, we have had a week-long business trip, Thanksgiving, 4 family birthdays (plus a few friends), Advent, Christmas, New Year, Victory’s due date, Epiphany, and countless events of fellowship and/or service, not to mention normal things of daily work. So yes, it has been busy.

But no, it has not gone by quickly.

And while some people have mentioned that it feels like it was so long ago, it really was so recent. Our son just died. Only nine weeks ago. And although, yes, we have been grieving almost nonstop for two years, we have only been grieving this sweet boy for nine weeks. God is faithfully bringing us through the deep waters into more shallow ones (but there are still waters which ebb & flow). He is kind and gentle and loving. We thank Him.

I will again quote one thing from Jerry Sittser, considering that it has been 63 days since I held my Hosanna-boy:
I marveled at the genius of the ancient Hebrews, who set aside forty days for mourning, as if forty days were enough. I learned later how foolish I was. It was only after those forty days that my mourning became too deep for tears. So my tears turned to brine, to a bitter and burning sensation of loss that tears could no longer express. In the months that followed I actually longed for the time when the sorrow had been fresh and tears came easily. That emotional release would have lifted the burden, if only for a while.

So yes, we continue to grieve. It looks different than it did a month ago. And it looks even more different than it did nine weeks ago. But we’re still on the journey. We continue to need & seek grace in all of this. As even the Heidelberg Catechism reminds us, God is our only comfort in life and in death.

12 Replies to “Nine”

  1. Keep on running, Melissa, straight to God. He is all there is.

    You have been on my mind and in my prayers much over the last week.

  2. There is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts, the aching of your womb, and the deep deep loss that you go through, and it pains me as I beseech our Father for mercy, for comfort, and for hope.

  3. Thinking of you as you continue to grieve. 9 weeks isn’t long at all. It’s been a year for us since we lost our baby (I just blogged about it) and I still am grieving.

  4. Still grieving your Hosanna boy with you, Melissa. It is still fresh, new grief…and I pray comfort for you and a miracle in your future.

  5. Dear Melissa,
    I have been thinking about you and your little Hosanna. It is so few days since he was with you, and so far away he feels now. My heart still hurts for you, and I look forward to the day of Resurrection when there will again be nothing between you and your children, nothing, for ever.
    One of these days I mean to write you again. But I am grateful for your blog in between.
    Love.

  6. You and Steven are always on my heart; I pray for you daily; for strength, comfort and hope.
    I especially pray that 2011 brings you more Joy than sorrow.
    2010 was so very sad and heart-wrenching. 🙁

  7. I can’t believe it has been 9 weeks, even for me it feels like just a week or two since I read that he was in Heaven. Your in my prayers. Love Vicki

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