Tag: Blogs

Posted on

Preparing!

I got goosebumps when reading this post on Preparing Him Room, as we delve into the season of Advent.
And while I am a CREC girl at heart, attending an ACNA Anglican church now, it is really great to see some of the Advent nuances making an impression on my family. Yesterday the liturgy at church was different, it began with the lighting of the hope/prophecy candle, and the vestments had changed to a rich purple color which inspired my little Asher to gasp “the church changed its clothes!” when we walked into the sanctuary.

We had our first Advent feast this weekend, and had the joy of sharing it with my parents & grandparents. We also have little chocolates as a family each night, reminding the kids that Christmas is coming ~ Jesus has come and changed the world, and soon we will once again share in a glorious celebration of that, but we still also get to look ahead to when He comes again and anticipate the enormity of that feast and wedding!

P1190746

And we have a mite box to collect money to donate for well digging in needy countries. We are donating shoes to a local community center that provides for local needy families. We have activities and music and games and readings.
And we have decorated our home to remind us that this season of the year is special, set apart.

   P1190726 P1190732 P1190745

So we’re in the midst of preparing and anticipating. And it’s a joyful thing. And boy oh boy, are we eagerly looking forward to the culmination of it all on Christmas day! Just ask my kids ~ they’re counting down. 🙂

P1190720 P1190723 P1190722

Posted on

My Wounds

I may have written this post a good while ago (not long after Heritage died), but it feels just as fresh, and my wounds are picked open and oozing even now. But the point is this: the wounds are not for naught. These wounds will be redeemed. There is a reason that I can not see. And God wants me to use these wounds for Him, His glory and His Kingdom, and I can not sit here silently licking my wounds in a corner. He calls me to share them, to utilize them, not to waste them.

These wounds scab over, and they will scar someday. The pain and trouble they bring will change over time. That’s what God is in the whole business of doing. And I’m thankful to put my pain to good use.

The scar will be knit into my skin, reminding me that I am not the same as I was before. God tends to scar me over in particular ways, as though He were creating a pronounced alignment within my soul in a single direction, toward a specific goal. Each baby of mine that has died has left me with a gaping wound—and each one has also eventually left me with a pronounced scar. While the scars are most obvious to me—sometimes they even make me a little self-conscious, a little embarrassed, wondering if I stick out amongst the crowd—others notice the scars too. Some people comment on it, some people notice but keep it to themselves. I used to think I had to hide my scars, but now I know better: now I know that God did not give me these scars to be hidden away. They are not something to be ashamed of, but something to be utilized.

And so I wait for the scar—I wait for the relief that it will bring, for the hope it will carry, for the unique way God will use my newly knit skin for His glory. I am crying to Him for this blessing, and I trust His grace to extend to me in the form of healing. I have no control over when or how, but I believe His Word, and I know that His favor is for life, and He delights in bringing mornings of joy following night (Psalm 30:2-5). May I bleed and scab, scar and heal for the greatness of His mercy and the furthering of His Kingdom—may He give me pronounced singleness of direction as I toil for Him, even in this.

To read the rest, hop on over to Mommies With Hope, where I share Wounded straight from my own broken-yet-blessed heart.

Posted on

He’s the Daddy of Twelve

One thing I adore about my husband is how much he loves his children. All twelve of them. I love how being father of 12 is one of the top things he would describe about himself (for instance, in his Twitter intro), in true Psalm 127:5 form. And it was basically seven years ago that he became a father for the first time… although it would be a couple more weeks until we knew about it.

Today, you can read at Mommies With Hope, about the heart of my husband as I see it, and as I see him, in his fatherhood and his imitation of his Father in Heaven.

This Father’s Day, I want to honor my husband for the father that he is—the father of twelve. I want to praise the Lord for His compassion toward us, for His provision, for remembering our frame. I want to bless my husband and bless our Father in Heaven for their love and their servanthood. I want to tell the world about the heart of a daddy—one that rejoices fully, grieves deeply, loves steadfastly, shows compassion, gives abundantly—the heart of God Himself, also reflected in the human form of my husband, thanks to God’s grace and God’s gifts. The Lord is King and rules over all things from His throne in Heaven, and whether your arms are full or empty (or both…) this Father’s Day, it is my prayer that the fatherly heart of God would extent His compassion and love toward you—that you too would know His Kingship both in the valleys and on the mountaintops.

Darling Steven, I love you, and am so thankful that God chose you  to be the father of my dozen little darling olive branches. I love seeing God in you. I love seeing you in my babies. I love that you walk with me just as tenderly in grief as you do in joy. This Father’s Day will not be all about “happy” ~ but it will definitely be all about thankfulness and honor for the journey God has given you in your fatherhood. It’s been glorious: in the valleys and on the mountaintops, each in their own ways. Cheers to you, my Steven, and may God grant you more arrows in your quiver and more Father’s Days for God’s glory.

Posted on

Remembering His Faithfulness

“As we deal — as we all must do — with troubles, affliction, difficulties and so on, the toughest thing to remember is that God is handstitching these problems for us, and He is doing this so that they will fit us perfectly.” ~Pastor Wilson

What a perfectly timed blessing from God my gracious Father, to give me this post to read this morning as an encouragement to my trembling heart, as I seek to walk by faith through the various handstitched days and trials and joys He has prepared for me.

“Present temptations have a way of banishing past deliverances from our minds, and that is what Puritan theologians used to call “no good.” We pass through our trials, if we do pass through them, by faith (Heb. 11:29). This means, remember, that we cannot prove our seemingly “unwarranted” confidence beforehand. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Heb. 11:1). If we are to be faithful in our generation, this means that we are trusting God to deliver us from our particular circumstances.” ~Pastor Wilson

One of the biggest challenges I am facing these days is the simple act of remembering. (And a quick search in a Bible app shows me that in the ESV, the word “remember” shows up 234 times! That’s repetition…)

Psalm 77:11  I will remember the deeds of the Lord;  yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

Remembering God’s faithfulness in the past. To His people. Including my family. And little old me. His faithfulness has looked different at different times, but…

He

Has

Always

Been

Faithful

 

“the task before us is to remember that we have that proof in hand as we round the corner into our next trial.” ~ Pastor Wilson

Posted on

When Anticipating Mother’s Day is Bittersweet…

If you find yourself in a position of anticipating Mother’s Day this weekend with a bittersweetness in your heart and a catch in your throat, I’ve been there. And this morning I wanted to share from my heart with you something I wrote called Two Pearls, posted at Expecting With Hope, as I recall my very first Mother’s Day six years ago… and even as I anticipate this coming Mother’s Day. These days, I look like a mom. 🙂 You’ll see me babywearing or pushing a stroller, my purse is really a diaper bag, my kids’ outfits & hairstyles are much more put together than mine are, and a glance in my car at three carseats squished side-by-side in a single row would confirm that I totally drive a mom car.
And I embrace that with so much thankfulness and joy! But when someone sees me in the grocery store parking lot with my three little miracles and smiles with a comment like, “you’ve got your hands full, mama” they really have no idea. My hands may look full, but my heart is even more full.

This Mother’s Day, I am mommy to twelve: eight singing in heaven, three running around my ankles, and one fighting for life in my womb.
This Mother’s Day, I continue on the journey of knowing what the past held and wondering what God holds for our future.
This Mother’s Day, I fully embrace the gifts the Lord has given me, both here and in heaven, and pray for His grace to joyfully accept what His sovereign hand delivers into mine.

As I wrote in my journal, “it was my very first Mother’s Day—although I did not have either of my children in my arms, I fellowshipped with one in heaven and held the other in my belly…”

So as another Mother’s Day arrives, I remember those of you who are in similar shoes—who have loved and lost and now love anew, who know what the past held and wonder what the future holds, who have Mother’s Day fears and Mother’s Day hopes, who know you are a mom (perhaps of many!) even if you have “nothing” to show for it but memorabilia like my two pink pearls. Those pearls were my reminder of what God had done. Those pearls continue to be a reminder to me of God’s faithfulness. And I still get joy out of telling my son how one of the pearls was for him and one for his big sister he will meet in heaven where we will see the most beautiful pearls imaginable (Revelation 21:21).

Posted on

Guest Posting “My Story”

This week I was asked to guest post (a new thing for me!) in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, and it was a real joy and honor to spend a couple of hours writing my story out for this purpose. It is always beautiful when I feel like God is just giving me specific words to say and a particular message to share with His people, especially those who are suffering. May the Lord be praised, and may His people be encouraged by what I can share of the story He has written for my family.

Snippets and teasers until you pop over here to read my story yourself:

One of the big things about “infertility awareness” is the whole idea that we aren’t all completely aware of what infertility is. We may not know how to define it. We may not understand what it’s like. We may have no real idea who is affected by it. And that’s one of the interesting things about my story, my angle on infertility—at first glance, you may well not think of my story as one of infertility. And that’s why my story, and others like mine, are told, especially during times like National Infertility Awareness Week—to help open eyes, advance knowledge and understanding, to nurture fellowship and empathy amongst women who so often suffer in misunderstood silence.

This is my story, that God wrote for me before I was created in secret (Psalm 139:15-16)—the story that He reveals to me chapter by chapter, that I live out before Him by faith, that I don’t completely understand but that I embrace because I know He is good. I recognize that my life, my joys and my suffering, is for the purpose of glorifying Him (1 Peter 4:12-13, 5:10).
~~~

All of a sudden a new chapter of the story of my life was unfolding. It was unlovely and unfamiliar. It felt cold and harsh. Its very essence was isolating and debilitating. I cried myself to sleep so many nights, and found it hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I had a living son—my womb had managed to produce life before! And, thus far, it had never taken more than two cycles of trying to conceive before the Lord filled my womb. How could infertility become part of my reality?
~~~

Whether we are facing another chapter—or perhaps simply an interlude—of uRPL in our family or not, we have realized that we just don’t know what the chapters in our story are going to look like; we can’t predict their endings; we may not always understand the storyline as we’re going through it (and maybe not even when looking back). But infertility will always be part of our story, as God has used it to shape us and use us in ways we would not have otherwise been used in His Kingdom.

If you look at my family picture, you probably would not automatically think, “I wonder if that family has ever struggled with infertility?”—which is just another reminder for us in the midst of National Infertility Awareness Week that we really are unaware of so much about infertility, its effects, its forms, its reach. My arms are both full and empty. I have children on earth, but more children who reside in the glories of heaven. I know the miracle of getting BFPs (that’s infertility-speak for “big fat positive” which is code for a positive pregnancy test), but I also know the depth of anguish that comes from my naïveté being stolen and understanding that being pregnant does not necessarily mean I am having a baby.
~~~

And that is one of the reasons why I feel God calls me to speak out about it, to share in others’ similar journeys, to offer words of encouragement and empathy on this path, so that others can share in the comfort of Christ (2 Corinthians 1:4) which He has offered to me through these locust-eaten years (Jonah 2:25) as well, even as He continues to reveal my own story to me little by little.

Posted on

Sharing, “Beauty From Ashes”

The interweavings that the Lord gives us with various people, the odd connections that seem to pop up in His people, amazes me sometimes. For instance, I called my grandma yesterday to chat and she said that she had just been listening to a Focus on the Family program and heard something she thought I’d be interested in: she said, “I think the woman’s name was Teske Drake, and I thought you’d really be blessed by her story, she sounded so much like you.” I had to giggle, and I told Grandma, “I know Teske. Via the internet, but I know her. She recently recruited me to be a contributor to her online ministry, Mommies With Hope, and so far she has accepted four articles from me, and the second one is about to be published online.” Oh, God’s ways. 🙂

With that said, my real introductory post for Mommies With Hope was published today, called “Beauty From Ashes,” and I would love to share it with you. As I responded to one of the comments it has received already, I could not have written this post even just a couple of years ago. The Lord has continued to mold me and shape me, to give me acquiescence to His will because I know that He does all thing well. Not that that makes it easy or simple or happy to walk these roads ~ just that my worries, fears, doubts, tears, and anxieties do NOT have the last word. Amen!

I have the incredible blessing of having eleven children—a blessing that I did not know I ever wanted, and honestly, part of me still doesn’t know I want it. But it’s the wonderful, painful truth.

The Lord has continued to sharpen, hone, and strengthen us so that He can continue using us as His tools. This is a true testimony of His beauty—seeing Him redeem the days the locusts ate by granting us growth in Him, ministry among His people, and the ability to reap joy after sowing years of tears.

…here I sit in the ashes, with tears streaming down my face once again. But this time I not only hope and look for beauty, but trust and truly believe, that there will be more beauty—that it doesn’t end here in the ashes, but that these ashes are here precisely because the Lord intends to draw beauty from them. So I’m weeping with my eyes open, because when the beauty begins to rise, I want to see it and rejoice (Psalm 119:74-77).

May God continue to give me eyes to see His handiwork, so that I would be able to praise Him for His good works, so that I would pray with integrity that His will would be accomplished, so that the beauty around me would glorify Him and bless His people, no matter how deep the ash heap has gotten.

Psalm 50:1-2

The Mighty One, God the Lord,
    speaks and summons the earth
    from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty,
    God shines forth.

Posted on

“Singing” today

God’s timing is always amazing, isn’t it? This morning after spending some time in prayer, I was feeling like singing… but felt conflicted, not knowing what kind of song my heart and lips needed to pour out at God’s feet. I felt hope and joy colliding with doubt and fear. And then I remembered that something I wrote was being published on a blog today, titled “Singing.”

I wrote, “I often sing through my tears and in my confusion. This is one of the reasons that I have been drawn to the songbook of the Scriptures—the Psalms. The psalmist David encompasses such a vast variety of human experiences and emotions in his songs, and I cling to that example with thankfulness and relief,” and today the Lord used my own words to speak to myself and remind me to sing.

So I sang with the man after God’s own heart, I sang of His law, of my love for Him, of my trust in Him, of my fears of stumbling blocks around me. I sing because I can, because I need to, because I want to, because He commands me to, because He loves me to.

Psalm 119:165-176

Great peace have those who love your law;
nothing can make them stumble.
I hope for your salvation, O Lord,
and I do your commandments.
My soul keeps your testimonies;
I love them exceedingly.
I keep your precepts and testimonies,
for all my ways are before you.

Let my cry come before you, O Lord;
give me understanding according to your word!
Let my plea come before you;
deliver me according to your word.
My lips will pour forth praise,
    for you teach me your statutes.
My tongue will sing of your word,
    for all your commandments are right.
Let your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord,
and your law is my delight.
Let my soul live and praise you,
    and let your rules help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant,
for I do not forget your commandments.

Please take a few minutes and visit Expecting With Hope, which is a subdivision of Mommies With Hope, a ministry where I am a contributing writer online, and sing along with me because “even when we are speechless, the Lord gives us His book of psalms to bring us back to singing.”

Posted on

Glimpse of a New Corner

Beginning this month, I am a new contributor for a (mostly) online ministry called Mommies With Hope. My first post is scheduled to be live in a couple weeks, and I’ll post the link when it comes out. In the meantime, take a look around Mommies With Hope, and please pray that the group of Christians there would band together to increase God’s glory, hallow His name, and to further His Kingdom through the ministry of coming alongside others suffering infertility and babyloss.

This is just a little glimpse of a new corner where I get to minister, and I’m pretty excited to see what God’s great plans will include.

Posted on

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned for something straight from my heart!
I was asked to write a specific short essay from my heart for a website connected to a ministry where I have planted roots.

Four years ago, I became a mom—a few weeks later, we lost our baby to devastating miscarriage. We sought rest in the shadow of the Lord’s wings as we focused on God’s great love for us, regardless of the trials He brought our way (Psalm 36:7).

So tune in on Monday for the link to this little piece of my heart.