Remembering my Sweeties

Today is October 15th, the national day of awareness and remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. It is a unique way for those of us who have endured these griefs to publicly remember and honor these precious children that God has given to us. Today as I remember my Covenant, Glory, Promise, Peace, Mercy, Victory, and Hosanna, I am rejoicing over the gift that it is to be their mama.

I am so thankful for the blessing of having held these precious children in my womb. I am so thankful for the glorious hope of dancing and singing in paradise with them at the feet of our Father for all of eternity. I am so thankful that God has graciously allowed it to be 23 months since my last miscarriage. I am so thankful for the challenge of living out the dichotomy of grief & joy. I am so thankful for the story God has given my family to walk, both with its pains and with its pleasures, with its sorrows and with its rejoicings.

Today the Lord gives me the opportunity to share with you anew how glorious it is to serve Him!! Along these lines, let me one more time share Rainbows & Redemption for the blessing and encouragement of bereaved mothers who are once again holding life in their womb. You or someone you know may have the tricky blessing of walking this dichotomy, and this is a free e-book devotional geared toward that exact journey.

So today while Gabriel, Asher, and Tiny Ten are my tangible comforts and blessings and joys, they help remind me of their brothers and sisters who are already numbered with the saints triumphant. Glory be to God!

Anticipating Heaven

Today I am anticipating so many things. Finishing some things on our house. Moving day. Baby Nine’s arrival. Heaven.

Wait a second, did you read that right? Yes, indeed: you did. I said heaven.

I suppose heaven is something that most Christians would say they anticipate, but today I am anticipating it in a particular way. It’s October 15th again. That’s the day for national remembrance of pregnancy/infant loss. Last year, Gabriel and I did some special, tangible things to remember his brothers and sisters, including letting balloons float away up into the sky in their memory. If you remember, though, unfortunately the bunch of balloons was blown into our neighbor’s super tall pine tree in their backyard! Oops! So umm… while some of the balloons have slowly escaped the branches and fallen to the ground, there are still at least two left up there. So yeah… we decided not to do the same thing this year. Maybe next year the boys and I will let balloons go from the vast expanse of our own pasture. Away from trees. 🙂

This year I am being low-key about things. I will light seven candles this evening to reflect a tiny spark of the glorious beauty our seven “heaven babies” are enjoying, and to remind us of the brightness & joy each of them have brought to our family. And besides that, I am simply anticipating. Anticipating with curiosity as well as great joy.

There are many things I anticipate about heaven. No more tears, no more sorrow, no more grief, no more pain (Revelation 21:4). Rejoicing and praising our Father forever alongside our Brother Jesus Christ (Psalm 11:4 and Psalm 103:19). Joining the ranks of all the saints who have gone before ~ including my seven children.

I don’t know a lot about heaven. Details, I mean. But I trust in the covenant promises of my heavenly Father (Hebrews 9:15), and believe that His faithfulness extends even to a thousand generations (Deuteronomy 7:9 and Psalm 105:8) ~ so one thing of which I am confident, is that I will meet my children again (1 Corinthians 13:12 and Philippians 3:20-21). My little host of redheads are not in my home and will not return to me; but someday I will join them in the mansion created by God the King (John 14:2-3) and I will go to them (2 Samuel 12:23).

So while I anticipate some ordinary things like my new house and some extraordinary things like holding a living baby of my own again soon… I am also anticipating some truly inconceivable things like the glories of heaven. Today I reflect on God’s goodness in sustaining us through long-repetitive grief, His mercy in allowing us to have a bigger covenantal family than we ever imagined, His grace in providing us with covenantal promises to claim, and His gift of hope for our reunion with our beautiful children once He calls to our eternal home with them.

So today I am honoring and remembering my adorable children,

Covenant Hope (July 29, 2007)
Glory Hesed (March 30, 2009)
Promise Anastasis (June 20, 2009)
Peace Nikonos (November 5, 2009)
Mercy Kyrie (January 26, 2010)
Victory Athanasius (May 18, 2010)
Hosanna Praise (November 8, 2010)

and while I continue to grieve the emptiness I feel over their absence in our earthly home, I joyfully anticipate being present with them for eternity in our heavenly home.

Anticipate the glories of heaven with me today!!

My Face

It’s October now.
Many people don’t know that this month is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (now you do.)
Furthermore, October 15th is the specific day set aside as a remembrance day for the loss of all these children.
Including six of my children.
So while I remember and love my children every day of the year, and miss them even more specifically on their loss dates and due dates… this is a special national time to openly remember my kids. While I am never afraid or ashamed to speak of Covenant, Glory, Promise, Peace, Mercy, and Victory ~ but, in fact, love to do it because I love them and also because I want to use their lives to impact the world ~ this remembrance day/month affords extra opportunities for me to share my story. Their stories. Our story.

In honor of that, I finally got the courage to post my story on a site called Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope. It’s sort of a sister site to the Grieve Out Loud site that I participate in.
I was glad to get my story up there. To talk about my children. To share my faith. To give the glory to God. To cry while I did it.

Take a look at my face. I am the face of recurrent miscarriage. I am the face of grief. I am the face of a bereaved mommy. I am the face of plowing in hope.

Sweet Baby

Three years ago today, we said goodbye to our first child. We believe she was our first daughter. Our sweet baby Covenant Hope. This day never goes by without bittersweetness. What a precious baby this little one was! Now she lives more fully than I can even imagine! For her, to live was Christ and to die was gain.

Happy third birthday, sweet baby of mine! Mommy misses you so much, and can’t believe that it has been three whole years since I held you in my hands. You are the one who first made me “mommy.” I still imagine what your little red pigtails would look like, and if you would have freckles like your little brother has across his nose. I imagine playing with dolls & tea sets with you. And I look forward to joining you in the heavenly chorus someday! I can’t wait to hear your beautiful voice and sing alongside you as we praise our Father together. Your Daddy and I love you dearly every day. God is so good to have given us the gift of you. We are thankful for the blessing of being your parents. Please give my love to your brothers & sisters.
With all my kisses, tears, and heart overflowing with love~ your mommy

Isaiah 59:21

“And as for Me, this is My covenant with them,” says the LORD:
“My Spirit that is upon you, and My words that I have put in your mouth, shall not depart out of your mouth,
or out of the mouth of your offspring, or out of the mouth of your children’s offspring,” says the LORD,
“from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 119:114

You are my hiding place and my shield;
I hope in Your Word.

Thursday March 18, 2010

March 18th was the due date for my first baby, Covenant Hope. Two years ago. Two whole years ago. Anyway, this is the third time I have come upon her due date, and the first one where I didn’t wake up in tears about it. I don’t know if I like that or not, it’s just simply a fact.

But at this moment, I am celebrating life. There is a little boy in the other room, not anxious to get out of his crib in the morning. He loves to spend forever playing with his fuzzy white bear, little moo-cow, and music box blue elephant — in his crib. No matter if he needs a diaper change or not. He loves to play and jibber-jabber in there and move aside the blinds to look out the window near his crib so he can watch trucks going by. (He doesn’t know it’s trash day, but he will be loving that in about two hours!!)

This is life. This is a miracle-boy whose life goes against the odds. This is my son whose very existence is God-breathed, continuously. This is the baby who only exists because his big sister left the earth far too early.

So yes, I miss Covenant. I miss having a March baby. I miss the things I would’ve, could’ve done with her.

But I never take for granted the fact that Gabriel is here, really, because she isn’t.
And because, obviously, our God is good.

So in honor of Covenant, and celebrating her little brother’s life today, I am sharing a few of our favorite things in the world of parenthood. Enjoy.


These are a Few of Our Favorite Things

People have not infrequently asked me what some of my favorite things have been that I’ve used with my baby over the last two years. So I compiled a list (complete with links) for your perusal. These are things that I highly recommend. They’ve got the redhead stamp of approval, lol. : ) These make great things for baby shower requests/registries, and Christmas/birthday lists as well—for you or your baby.

Blankies!!—Made by Grandmama, about ¼ the size of most fuzzy blankets you’d have a kid sleep with, trimmed with satin edging. We’ve got four of them: one in the car, one in the diaper bag, one in the crib, one in Gabriel’s hand (however, occasionally, one or more is in the hamper!).

Pediped shoes—We’ve had lots of these as Gabriel has grown, and they have proven to be not only super adorable but super durable. Now his cousin wears the hand-me-downs, and maybe someday a little brother will wear them. Because, yes, they are that durable.

Stonz boots—Just so clever, so convenient, so mommy-friendly. Especially if you need to quickly run from muddy outside to the potty, they come off super fast thanks to the handy toggles. We have loved these in snow, rain, mud, even just dust.

Prorap diaper covers—These are a blessing. No leaks, no blow-outs, easy to use, easy to wash, they work like brand-new even after months of usage. Excellent diapers, especially since they are excellent on the budget!

Calmoseptine—The best diaper rash cure I’ve found. And trust me, my kid teeths practically nonstop, and whenever he’s teething, we need diaper rash help.

PlanToys toys—Moms love durability and safety, kids love fun! These guys have got everyone pleased.

Sandra Boynton board books—Our little library has quite a few of these, and they always seem to be the biggest hit. We’re now starting to share the Boynton-love with our niece & nephews!

Bumbo seat—Gabriel started using this when he was 3 or 4 months old, and it became a lifesaver for both dvd time and food time (when he was 9 months). It really helped him develop his neck and tummy muscles when he was young. It works as a great booster seat at home and as a take-with-you highchair substitute. Our almost-two-year-old is average size for his age, and I don’t see him outgrowing this thing yet!

Babyhawk mei tai—Quite possibly my all-time favorite baby carrier. It just seems the most beautiful (lovely fabrics to choose from), versatile (front, back, or hip carry), and user-friendly (two simple knots and you’re done). Ours is reversible, with stripes on one side (hubby loves that) and flowers on the other. It can be used from newborn (I didn’t get it until my baby was about three months old but I’ve got friends who’ve used them from day one) all the way up through toddler. I still use it on my 27 pound little boy, and he loves riding around on my back.

Ellaroo wrap—I started out with a stretchy jersey knit wrap, and although I liked it for about a month, I didn’t like it once my baby started to gain weight. So I found a substitute, this wonderful handwoven linen wrap that won’t stretch out during a day of babywearing. This is the carrier that best aided sleeping for my baby (which was helpful because he wanted to be held 24/7 as a small baby, and this allowed me to hold him while cooking, cleaning, exercising, etc). He loved to nap in this wrap! He felt secure and safe, and the linen kept him cool enough he didn’t sweat a lot, even when we were traipsing around Barcelona. Plus, it’s beautiful, and can make a lovely accessory, especially if you’re running errands and taking baby in & out a lot.

Britax carseat—Safety is important, especially when strapping your kid into the car. Side impact protection is a huge factor, and Britax has found a solution. These seats are big and sturdy, and will last a kid for years. It’s a great investment. They are cute, comfortable, easy to use, and it fits great even in our small sedan as a rear-facing seat.

Beaba Babycook baby food maker—There’s nothing like homemade food. We all know it. So why would you give your baby canned food when it’s not what you’d want to eat for dinner? Well, usually the reason is because it takes too much time or is too complicated to make your own baby food. Hah! Not anymore. When Gabriel was first eating solids, I made him delicious fresh purees. Some I made fresh every day (fruits), and others I made in batches (veggies and meat) every week or two, and froze them in ice cube trays. Nothing could possibly be more healthy & handy. And this baby food maker makes it a cinch. Now I still use it to steam veggies and make occasional purees! I even use it to make smoothies for myself. : )

Gymboree’s clearance rack at the mall—Style and fashion. There you have it. : ) But the clearance rack is what helps out the pocketbook. Looking ahead toward the long-term, shopping for clothes at WalMart does not pay off in my book. I like to buy well made clothing that will last through my kids as well as my brother’s kids (since we share stuff). The Gymboree clothing (which is probably 75% of Gabriel’s wardrobe) that I am getting back from my sister-in-law as my nephew outgrows it, looks practically as good after two boys’ usage as it did when I took off the tags. What a blessing! Because, let’s be honest: who has time to mend baby clothes, and who wants to be wasting money to buy a new wardrobe for every baby?!