Stay tuned for something straight from my heart!
I was asked to write a specific short essay from my heart for a website connected to a ministry where I have planted roots.
Four years ago, I became a mom—a few weeks later, we lost our baby to devastating miscarriage. We sought rest in the shadow of the Lord’s wings as we focused on God’s great love for us, regardless of the trials He brought our way (Psalm 36:7).
So tune in on Monday for the link to this little piece of my heart.
This morning in church, I sang a meditation based on Habakkuk 3:17-19. The Scripture reads,
“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
He makes my feet like the deer’s;
He makes me tread on my high places.”
The words of the song read,
“Though the tree shall not bloom,
and the vine bears no fruit,
Though the field shall fail and yield no food,
Though the flocks are cut off from within the fold,
And though all is destroyed both young and old…
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
Yes, I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord; I will rejoice in the Lord.
Though the winds rise up
and the rivers roar,
Though the thunder may crash and storms destroy,
Though the mountains may fall and the seas rush in,
And though nations invade by the hands of evil men…
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
Yes, I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord; I will rejoice in the Lord.
And the Sovereign Lord is all my strength
And He makes me to walk upon the high place!
And I will rejoice in the Lord,
Yes, I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior,
I will rejoice in the Lord; I will rejoice in the Lord.”
You can listen here to a clip of the song by the composer/arranger Nathan Clark George, but when I sang it for the meditation today I slowed it down, did it acapella, and in general tamed it a little bit for the conservative nature of our church. 🙂
Anyway.
It was an interesting start to the day. Steven and I memorized this song last winter, shortly after our little boy died. Incidentally, today was our Hosanna’s due date. It’s the first time (since after Gabriel, with my six back-to-back losses) that I have reached a due date without having another miscarriage in the meantime. I can’t tell you what a balm our Baby Nine is. Heartbeat and kicks and general sickness have been sweet reminders today of this balm that God has so generously gifted to our family. This life doesn’t replace Hosanna (or any siblings), but it does somehow balm the pain. My arms may not be holding a newborn today like we had hoped, prayed, and thought they would be… but my womb is not empty and our hope is not completely gone. The Lord’s mercies are still new every day. We still have the privilege of anticipating heaven. We still have the unique blessing of having extra sweetness to look forward to when we reach heaven; because not only do we get to see Jesus face to face, but we get to see our children again.
Anyway. Singing the Sanctus today was hard too. Singing “hosanna” at the top of my lungs, knowing that covenantally I too was praising God in the midst of His glorious sanctuary, lifted up by Christ into the heavenlies in corporate worship with all the saints who have gone before ~ including my own Hosanna Praise. I was meditating on a verse today in honor of our Hosanna boy and praying it to our Father even in church, Psalm 106:47 “Save us, O LORD our God… that we may give thanks to Your holy name and glory in Your praise.”
Plus it was Father’s Day. Two years ago, our Promise died the day before Father’s Day, so last year her birthday/anniversary was on Father’s Day. This year on Father’s Day we have the bittersweetness of Hosanna’s due date. And for once, our church actually mentioned the Hallmark holiday numerous times (usually we don’t emphasize Hallmark holidays at all at church; we reserve such acknowledgments for holy days on the Church calendar). It actually pained my heart more than Mother’s Day this year. Why, I’m not precisely certain. But I think it did. Because of my history and because of my exposure to so many many hurting couples (who experience various forms of infertility and loss), it just ached in my heart. I hurt not only for my husband who has had to bury seven of his beloved children (and who has had to watch his wife suffer such grief, which has been such a burden for him to bear), but also for other men I know who ache to have children and to hold their babies on this side of heaven. But Father’s Day was yet sweet for us, too. It included a special meal (steak and potatoes and wine, to boot) and gifts and fresh cherry pie as one way to honor my husband, the father of my sweet little brood of nine. While they can’t all smother him in kisses, scribble him Father’s Day cards, or climb into bed for morning tickle games before church, I am quite certain that every one of these children honored and loved their daddy. I don’t know if they could possibly know how much he sacrificed for them… but I know. And it grows my respect and love for him all the time. Watching him father and parent these nine children has been a true privilege (if not bittersweet), and I am thankful that God has given such a precious gift to me. I can’t imagine mothering these little saints beside anyone else. The Lord is merciful indeed!
But okay, back to my original thought. Habakkuk 3:17 talks about unfruitfulness, barrenness, things that ought to grow but aren’t. And yet in the midst of that fruitlessness (when, in fact, we may have been not only hoping for but truly expecting much fruitfullness!), it emphasizes praising the Lord and rejoicing in Him. It doesn’t say that we need to rejoice in the barrenness. It says that despite the barrenness, we rejoice in the Lord. How beautiful!!
The mention of “vine” also made me think of Psalm 128. Of course that’s Gabriel’s favorite psalm right now, and he sings it a dozen times a day on average. 🙂 We even sang it at our wedding four years ago. We sang it at one of Gabriel’s baby showers. And we’ve sung it in our home countless times during our life together. But the words are always bittersweet to me. I have wondered how I could be called a fruitful vine (Psalm 128:3 says “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table”) when my womb has failed to bring forth fruit season after season after season. Of course everyone consoles me with the idea that “fruitful” doesn’t just mean “fruit of the womb” (although in the context of that verse, it certainly seems connected, doesn’t it?), but it means fruitful in service, in ministry, in wifehood, etc. In so many areas that aren’t limited just to motherhood. Okay fine. But you know what? As far as the womb goes, my fruitfulness has been so different from what I had always expected it to be!! In the postmillennial view of things where heaven is what matters I have been incredibly fruitful. 🙂 More fruitful than I ever planned on being! We certainly weren’t thinking I would be the mother of nine children. So in that sense, God had planned way more fruitfulness for me than I had imagined! But in the short-term sense as far as life and ministry on earth, I have been so much less fruitful than we had expected. To have my body physically incapable of carrying seven of our children to term is incredibly deflating, to say the least. It makes me feel way beyond fruitless. It makes me feel like a dead, rotting vine that spreads disease to any grape that dares to try to grow upon it.
And that feeling can be very debilitating to me sometimes. (more than sometimes…)
But you know what I was reminded of while singing the meditation this morning? In some sense, fruitlessness doesn’t even matter. If the fruit is not on the vine, blessed be the name of the Lord anyway. I don’t have to find joy in my lack of fruit on the vine, but I can still find joy in the Lord regardless of my lack of fruit. Despite the recurrent miscarriages that have plagued our home for years, the Lord has been our joy. He has, indeed, caused us to walk upon His high places! Even in the midst of incredible grief, He has lifted us out of the mire and sustained us.
And that is beautiful. That is worth shouting from the rooftops to the entire world. I may not have had the best harvest off my vine over the last couple years, but the Lord has been praised in our household anyway, by the strength of His sovereign grace.
So, friends, as I remember my children today ~specifically our little Hosanna boy~ and as I honored my husband (and our fathers) and as I welcomed the balming presence of Baby Nine on this day… I rejoiced in the Lord, for He is faithful in all circumstances, regardless of whether there is fruit on the vine.
AMEN!!
“The only way to learn strong faith is to endure great trials.
I have learned my faith by standing firm amid severe testings.”
~George Mueller
He is risen, indeed!!
Mark 16:6
“He has risen; He is not here.”
This morning our Gabriel learned the proper response (“He is risen indeed”), and although he didn’t do it with the congregation, he did do it in a couple of private encounters. Very sweet. This morning when he woke up he wanted me to crawl in bed with him (I happily obliged), and we talked about what Easter is, and who Jesus is, and what the Resurrection means for us ~ not only with our salvation and our own eternal lives but how it also means that we will be reunited with all of his brothers and sisters someday! That knowledge has sat with us all day; it is humbling and comforting.
Because our Brother and Priest, the Lord Jesus Christ, has risen and conquered death ~ He completely, totally vanquished sin ~ we not only claim the Resurrection for ourselves through our union with Christ, but we also have hope through faith that we will be reunited with our children. What anticipation I have for that beautiful moment. What a sweet facet of Glory that is that I look forward to!
All because of Christ. Because of His sacrifice. Because of His pain and suffering. Because of His conquering power. Because of His eternal life and resurrected body! Because He was no longer there when they looked in the tomb!
John 20:1-18
“Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early, while it was still dark, and saw that the stone had been taken away from the tomb. So she ran and went to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved, and said to them, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid him.” So Peter went out with the other disciple, and they were going toward the tomb. Both of them were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. And stooping to look in, he saw the linen cloths lying there, but he did not go in. Then Simon Peter came, following him, and went into the tomb. He saw the linen cloths lying there, and the face cloth, which had been on Jesus’ head, not lying with the linen cloths but folded up in a place by itself. Then the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went in, and he saw and believed; for as yet they did not understand the Scripture, that he must rise from the dead. Then the disciples went back to their homes.
But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb. And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to him in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”—and that he had said these things to her.”
~~~~
Now let the vault of Heav’n resound
In praise of love that doth abound,
“Christ hath triumphed, alleluia!”
Sing, choirs of angels, loud and clear,
Repeat their song of glory here,
“Christ hath triumphed, Christ hath triumphed!”
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.
Eternal is the gift He brings,
Wherefore our heart with rapture sings,
“Christ hath triumphed, Jesus liveth!”
Now doth He come and give us life,
Now doth His presence still all strife
Through His triumph; Jesus reigneth!
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.
O fill us, Lord, with dauntless love;
Set heart and will on things above
That we conquer through Thy triumph,
Grant grace sufficient for life’s day
That by our life we ever say,
“Christ hath triumphed, and He liveth!”
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.
Adoring praises now we bring
And with the heavenly blessèd sing,
“Christ hath triumphed, Alleluia!”
Be to the Father, and our Lord,
To Spirit blest, most holy God,
Thine the glory, never ending!
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!
~~~~
Psalm 16
“Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge. I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from You.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
You hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let Your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in Your presence there is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
~~~~
I have often thought about the significance of Saturday. The day between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. The day of limbo. Waiting and wondering. Stuck between the shock of Friday’s death and the shock of Sunday’s life. A day of the unknown.
I’ve frequently felt like my life is a record repeating the chorus of Saturday. The grief keeps coming and the resurrection hasn’t surprised me yet. Death continues to come, but new life hasn’t. Stuck in Saturday: uncertain of what’s ahead. Lots of waiting and wondering. Feeling like life may forever be in the realm of “limbo.” Feeling shocked and numbed by the death that just surprised us.
One of my friends, who I have never met in person but who I have prayed for/with for a year and a half now across a three thousand mile distance, wrote an article that so beautifully, succinctly, and accurately captures the feeling of being stuck in Saturday. She says it so much better than I could.
“Saturday begins when the worst pain is behind you, but a throbbing ache has taken its place. When the sun dares to shine, but your world is still dark. When the abuse is in the past, but not the hurt and shame. When you are no longer hemorrhaging, but neither are you healed. When the rest of the world expects you to be over it, but you’re not.”
Click here for the full article; you will be blessed.
May the Lord be with you today on the Saturday which reminds us of the Saturday His disciples and His family endured & grieved indescribably, when His enemies gloated and His opposers rejoiced ~ but no one knew what was coming. Nobody knew. May our Resurrected Lord remind you today to remember that limbo. And to look ahead not with doubt and fear but with hope and faith, for He does all things well. And living in the post-Resurrection era, we have the blessing of seeing and knowing that to a glorious extent.
O Jesus, Who by reason of Thy burning love for us
hast willed to be crucified
and to shed Thy Most Precious Blood
for the redemption and salvation of our souls,
look down upon us here gathered together
in remembrance of Thy most sorrowful Passion and Death,
fully trusting in Thy mercy;
cleanse us from sin by Thy grace,
sanctify our toil,
give unto us and unto all those who are dear to us our
daily bread,
sweeten our sufferings,
bless our families,
and to the nations so sorely afflicted,
grant Thy peace,
which is the only true peace,
so that by obeying Thy commandments
we may come at last to the glory of heaven.
Amen.
~~~
Giver of all, another day is ended and I take my place beneath my great redeemer’s cross, where healing streams continually descend, where balm is poured into every wound, where I wash anew in the all-cleansing blood, assured that Thou seest in me no spots of sin. Yet a little while and I shall go to Thy home and be no more seen; help me to gird up the loins of my mind, to quicken my step, to speed as if each moment were my last, that my life be joy, my death glory.
I thank Thee for the temporal blessings of this world—the refreshing air, the light of the sun, the food that renews strength, the raiment that clothes, the dwelling that shelters, the sleep that gives rest, the starry canopy of night, the summer breeze, the flowers’ sweetness, the music of flowing streams, the happy endearments of family, kindred, friends. Things animate, things inanimate, minister to my comfort. My cup runs over. Suffer me not to be insensible to these daily mercies. Thy hand bestows blessings: Thy power averts evil. I bring my tribute of thanks for spiritual graces, the full warmth of faith, the cheering presence of Thy Spirit, the strength of Thy restraining will, Thy spiking of hell’s artillery. Blessed be my sovereign Lord!
Amen.
On Tuesday a gathering of saints from our church gathered on a strip of grass along the sidewalk outside of our local Planned Parenthood Abortion center. We did the same thing two weeks prior. As part of the Forty Days For Life campaign, we participated in opposing abortion. No signs, no picketing. Lots of Scripture, lots of singing, lots of responsive prayers: worship. We pursued war on evil through worship.
In order to explain to Gabriel what we were doing in simple, but not too direct, terms, we told him that we were going there to ask God to stop the evil. So every so often Gabriel would pray all on his own, “Please God, stop the evil!”
Psalm 8:2
“Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.”
It is an emotionally charged thing to stand in front of an abortion clinic, to worship and seek the Lord’s justice, and to see people going & coming from the clinic. I guess it never really hit me that actual people actually go there and actually kill their babies. It’s so different than just hearing about Planned Parenthood; different than knowing our country supports abortion. To stand outside of that building and see people coming & going… it made it real to me.
Sometimes people would drive by and honk their horns in a friendly way, wave out their windows, even shout God bless you to us. Other times people would honk in a loud, unfriendly way or yell obscenities out their windows at us. On Tuesday, one guy marched right up and started yelling at us while we were in the midst of singing “The Son of God Goes Forth to War” because he is sick of people being there, parking in front of his house, making a presence there.
And we keep right on praying, singing, worshipping.
Father, we know that You are a jealous God. You visit the iniquity of the fathers on the children on the third and fourth generations of those that hate You. Abortion is your judgment upon our land. Forgive your church’s failure to be a light to the wicked in America. Forgive the fathers in Your church who have paved the way for abortion by failing to shepherd their sons and daughters. Abortion is Your judgment upon us. You have allowed sinful men to murder their own children. But you hate hands that shed innocent blood. End the murder O God. In wrath, remember mercy. Hosanna Lord, Hosanna! Save now! But for all those destined to not know salvation we therefore pray that you would bring judgment. We pray that You would act swiftly! Amen!
We prayed Psalm 94. We sang, among other things, Psalm 2, Psalm 18, Psalm 80, Psalm 83.
Keep in remembrance, O Lord, the tempted, the distressed, and the erring; particularly those mothers who would sin against You by murdering their children through abortion. And those fathers, parents, friends, politicians, doctors, social workers and any others who would either encourage the mothers to commit murder or would acquiesce to their wishes to do so. Keep them from following through with their wicked designs which lead to judgment, guilt and death. Guide them by Your great goodness and bring them instead into the way of peace, truth and life. Let the light of Your truth shine on them that they may be turned toward You and come to know You and so find peace. Deliver them from the bondage of their sin into the glorious liberty of the children of God; for the sake of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen!
Psalm 94:16-23
“Who rises up for me against the wicked?
Who stands up for me against evildoers?
If the LORD had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, “My foot slips,”
Your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
Your consolations cheer my soul.
Can wicked rulers be allied with You,
those who frame injustice by statute?
They band together against the life of the righteous
and condemn the innocent to death.
But the LORD has become my stronghold,
and my God the rock of my refuge.
He will bring back on them their iniquity
and wipe them out for their wickedness;
the LORD our God will wipe them out.”
And so we pray. And so we sing. Thus, we worship. And we effect warfare. In a loud, four-part-harmonized, bold way ~ complete with all ages of children worshipping and warring at our sides ~ we are beseeching the Lord to hear, to vindicate, to act, to stop the evil of abortion.
Hear, O Lord, hear us as we seek Your face and Your deliverance!
I have been busy with training lately.
Proverbs 22:6
“Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
I have the beautiful privilege of training one little boy for life in the eternal kingdom. Life now. And life eternal. What we do now has eternal effects. I am training one child for God. What a privilege! What a responsibility! What a joy!
Hebrews 12:11
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who have been trained by it.”
Discipline is one of the parts of training. Discipline which goes beyond “the rod.” While the training of discipline is never sweet at the moment, the sweetness that flows afterward from the disciplined soul is stunning, winning, even sparkling.
Psalm 144:1-2
“Blessed be the LORD, my rock,
who trains my hands for war,
and my fingers for battle;
He is my steadfast love and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield and He in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples under me.”
The Lord is also training my little boy, not only through his parents, but through His Spirit directly, through His Word, through His creations. He trains this boy for war and battle in the eternal kingdom. He is the One to whom we cling for love and protection and strength.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable
for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.”
The Word of the Lord is actively training us. Not only our little boy, but us. And why does He train up with His Word, Scripture? So that we may be equipped for every good work. Another reminder of privilege, responsibility, and joy!
Titus 2:4-5
“…train the young women to love their husbands and children,
to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind,
and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
And lest you think I am concentrating more on the training of my son than the training of myself, this passage reminds me to yield myself to the training of older women as they encourage me in all godliness to honor the Lord in all these ways by my thoughts, words, and deeds.
So yes… I have been very busy with training. Administering and acquiring. Bodily and spiritual. Delivered/received in many ways and from many sources. The Lord is good. He is busy here. And we pray that He will make us daily attentive to His guidance as He teaches, admonishes, encourages, uplifts, upholds, sustains, strengthens, challenges, and trains us for life in His eternal kingdom.
Tonight we were at a banquet, and my former pastor Mr. Wilson happened to be the keynote speaker. He, as he often does, used one of my favorite lines of his: God loves to draw straight with crooked lines.
And it made me wonder all over again: what is God drawing beautifully straight with the horribly crooked lines of my life?
I can’t wait until He gives me the perspective to see His masterpiece. Even if it isn’t until I join my sweet littles in heaven.
Psalm 26:12
“My foot stands on level ground; in the great assembly I will bless the LORD.”
Today I am meditating on Psalms 26, 103, and 134 ~ specifically on the idea of blessing the Lord.
I think a lot of the times people go to church expecting to be blessed. And, often, we are! That is God’s grace. Hallelujah! But the primary blessing is to be towards the Lord.
What a good reminder!
Bless the Lord.
Bless the Lord.
Bless the Lord!
Psalm 103:1-5,20-22
“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Bless the LORD, O you His angels, you mighty ones who do His word, obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the LORD, all His hosts, His ministers, who do His will!
Bless the LORD, all His works, in all places of His dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!”
So whether or not you feel particularly blessed, remember to bless the Lord! This is our duty as well as our joy, as His beloved children and precious forgiven saints. And, as Psalm 134 shows us, the Lord does bless us: we bless Him, He blesses us, and it’s this beautiful cycle of giving & receiving! Amen.
Psalm 134
“Come, bless the LORD, all you servants of the LORD,
who stand by night in the house of the LORD!
Lift up your hands to the holy place
and bless the LORD!
May the LORD bless you from Zion,
He who made heaven and earth!”
