Tag: Thoughts

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Saturday March 13, 2010

The boy is napping and the hubby is working outside in the yard. I am supposed to be drinking tea and reading – but my tea (earl grey – my daily favorite) is already cold. So why not take another few minutes to say hello to the world? 🙂
We went out on a little family date today. My tires needed switched out (in fact, we never really needed my studded tires this year), so while they were being done, we went to Starbucks for a rare treat, and then to the grocery store to wander around and pick out a few special things for upcoming meals. Like delicious-looking olives for our Sabbath supper tomorrow night (after our niece & nephew’s birthday party!), paired with applewood smoked cheddar cheese & crackers & red wine.
Delicious food has been something I’ve enjoyed focusing on lately. Making dinners that are new to our palate, and coming up with some new kitchen skills along the way. I have even added some new ingredients to my fridge lately: like fresh ginger, green onions, and fresh parsley – apparently these are all much better fresh than dried, so I’ve been giving it a shot. 🙂
I have made a bunch of new recipes this week, including a crockpot version of Beef Burgundy, a Blackberry Buckle, a round loaf of sweet bread (I don’t generally use recipes for bread, but this one was worth trying), and Chicken Scampi over Lemon Noodles. Mmmm! Tonight we’re opting for quick and familiar: salad (with homemade dressing and croutons) and grilled burgers. I just hope it doesn’t rain on the grilling… it isn’t as fun to grill in a storm. 🙂
I am looking forward to giving my niece & nephew their birthday gifts tomorrow. They won’t probably love them as much as I do – especially because they will be dripping in oodles of birthday gifts from all the relatives… but hey, it’ll be fun anyway. 🙂 I can’t believe they will be one year old this week!
As much as I am excited they are turning one, it is also bringing up memories that I am not looking forward to delving into. A year ago I was pregnant with Glory Hesed. I never really imagined that I would still be newborn-less a year later. And, at the very least, I thought I would have a full womb now. But nope. Empty. And I hate that. I’m pretty sick of it, actually. I feel alone in my plight… and then God reminds me (as I will elaborate upon in a moment) that I’m not. Even though I may feel it.
One of the hidden blessings that comes with being a bereaved mommy is the perspective I can bring to others. So many women take pregnancy for granted. They take healthy babies for granted. They take motherhood for granted. And not that I am perfect either. I am a sinner, too! And my perspective isn’t always what I would like. For instance, last night I was exhausted – it had been a long day, and an even longer week. And I really just wanted Gabriel to go to bed so I could take a long hot shower & head to bed too. My normal bedtime routine with him is to read 3 books, sing 3 songs, pray together, put him in bed, give him his blessing, and leave the room. It takes a good 20 minutes. Last night I picked short books and short songs. And he desperately wanted one more book (which may have turned into four more books, if I had let it…). But I said no. Was that selfish? Or was it prudent? And how do I know the difference sometimes? I’m uncertain. I told him that we’d already read our three books, and it was time to sing. So he cried a little as I sang him three short liturgical hymns (they tend to be the shortest…), and then he was fine and ready to pray and ready to go to bed.
As I sang, I remembered my five little babies who I no longer get to read bedtime stories to. I no longer get to rock them and sing to them at night. And I wish I could. I sincerely, desperately wish I could read them “just one more book.”
One of the songs I sing to Gabriel (the one that I always end with, and the only one that I faithfully sing every single night) goes like this:
God that madest earth and heaven, darkness and light;
Who the day for toil hast given, for rest the night;
May Thine angels guard defend us,
Slumber sweet Thy mercy send us,
Holy dreams and hopes attend us
This live-long night.
Guard us waking, guard us sleeping, and when we die;
May we in Thy mighty keeping all peaceful lie;
When the last dread call shall wake us,
Do not Thou our God forsake us,
But to reign in Glory take us
With Thee on high.
I love this song. And yet it is so painful for me. I have sung this to all of my babies. All of them. And the hardest part for me is when I am pregnant, and I have to sing the line about guarding us when we die. Five of my babies have died, and I have prayed this song with them in my belly.
Yes, I am continuing to grapple with grief. It comes and it goes, against my will and even sometimes against my expectations. God continues to teach me, mold me, break me, grow me, forgive me, love me, and sustain me.
And -back to my original thought- I am beginning to be equipped with so much with which to help other bereaved mothers. I am part of a few online forums/groups of bereaved women, and I am constantly surprised by how often the Lord brings certain women to talk with me, ask for prayer, ask for wisdom, wanting to know my experiences. I feel so helpless and useless, and yet the Lord is using me. I get emails not infrequently (four in the last month) from women (some I know, others have simply stumbled upon me) who have lost babies. I feel blessed to pray for them, to weep with them (because you know I do), to grieve with them, and to offer any support that I can. Even though I feel so ill-equipped, I can tell that God is continuing to equip & use me.
I don’t know what He is going to do with me long-term. But I have no doubt that He is molding me for lifelong service. I am not in love yet with the idea of forever being surrounded by grief and sorrow – but I am called to serve Him and His people. And I will do whatever He asks of me. If I can help any hurting mother whose arms are aching & empty – it gives my babies’ lives & deaths even more beauty & purpose by the grace of God, and lengthens their legacies.
Please pray with me that God would use me in His kingdom, for His kingdom, by His power & strength.

I was reading more Amy Carmichael poetry this afternoon, and wanted to share this poem, which so aptly describes what I feel:

Thy servant, Lord, hath nothing in the house,
Not even one small pot of common oil;
For he who never cometh but to spoil
Hath raided my poor house again, again–
That ruthless strong man, armed, whom men call Pain.

I thought that I had courage in the house,
And patience to be quiet and endure,
And sometimes happy songs. Now I am sure
Thy servant truly hath not anything;
And see, my song-bird hath a broken wing.

~~

My servant, I have come into the house–
I who know Pain’s extremity so well
That there can never be the need to tell
His power to make the flesh and spirit quail:
Have I not felt the scourge, the thorn, the nail?

And I, his Conqueror, am in the house,
Let not your heart be troubled–do not fear:
Why shouldst thou, child of Mine, if I am here?
My touch will heal thy song-bird’s broken wing,
And he shall have a braver song to sing.

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Monday March 8, 2010

Today I had another immunoglobulin blood infusion, to help my body with my autoimmune problem. It is longer and more complicated than most of you want to hear, so I won’t go into details. 🙂 I am thankful that today’s treatment is done, and that after tomorrow it will be another month until I need my next one. Once I got my headache (a common side effect) under control and rested for a while after the i.v. treatment was done, I did some baking and eventually a little reading (while Gabriel watched a dvd). God never fails to provide for me, not only physically but emotionally & spiritually – if I just open my eyes to see it. Steven sent me the most wonderful email this morning, reminding me to take everything to my Lord in prayer. I needed that. And a lady from church who used to get blood infusions (different from mine, yet similar in essence) emailed me today to say she’s praying for me & wanted to encourage me to fight this good fight – reminding me again that it is a good fight. How easily I forget that. And my mama spent hours here today watching Gabriel for me while I was tied to the i.v. as well as afterward when I wasn’t feeling well enough to look after him myself (I still have the hep-lock in my arm, so that makes things a little tricky with a youngin’). Even in my baking today (for our dinner with friends tonight), He provided: I had two eggs left and 2 teaspoons of baking powder left. Well, guess what? I needed one egg and 2 tsp of baking powder for the dessert, and I needed one egg for the bread. How good is our God! Even in the little details. Just another reminder to me of how I need to ask for daily grace, my daily bread, because He only ever promises to give us strength for the day, and bread for the day.
Daily.
I can’t stock up!
It’s like manna.
Gotta keep filling up each day. 🙂

“If your Lord call you to suffering, be not dismayed; there shall be a new allowance of the King for you when ye come to it. One of the softest pillows Christ hath is laid under His witnesses’ head, though often they must set down their bare feet among thorns.” ~Samuel Rutherford

“There is no sweeter fellowship with Christ than to bring our wounds and our sores to Him.” ~Samuel Rutherford

What room is there for troubled fear?
I know my Lord, and He is near;
And He will light my candle, so
That I may see the way to go.

There need be no bewilderment
To one who goes where he is sent;
The trackless plain by night and day
Is set with signs lest he should stray.

My path may cross a waste of sea,
But that need never frighten me;
Or rivers full to very brim,
But they are open ways to Him.

My path may lead through woods at night,
Where neither moon nor any light
Of guiding star or beacon shines;
He will not let me miss my signs.

Lord, grant to me a quiet mind,
That trusting Thee –for Thou art kind–
I may go on without a fear,
For Thou, my Lord, art always near.

~Amy Carmichael

Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow;
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea;
What matter beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?

Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent, and the wind is shrill.
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?

~Amy Carmichael

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Wednesday March 3, 2010

“With Feathers”

“Hope” is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —

And sweetest — in the Gale — is heard —
And sore must be the storm —
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm —

I’ve heard it in the chillest land —
And on the strangest Sea —
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb — of Me.

~Emily Dickinson~

Today I cry with Job, “Oh that I might have my request, and that God would fulfill my hope” (Job 6:8), for I am clinging to a hope which is not seen; “hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?” (Romans 8:24). But the Lord is my hope, and He is my strength & salvation. No matter what He does to me (and for me), His praise will remain in my mouth and hidden in my heart. With Job, may I proclaim with believing faith: “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face” (Job 13:15).

“To Hope”

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my – mind’s eye – flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed –
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head.

~John Keats, 1815~

Steven and I are seeking to “…rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3-5). I am thankful, looking at this passage right now, for the confident knowledge I have that God’s love has been poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit — hope does not put me to shame! So often, I feel ashamed and humiliated by my physical/emotional difficulties borne from the burden of losing my babies — but I have hope in the Lord & [although somewhat flickering] hope for the future. And I will not be put to shame. Amen & hallelujah!

May we not grow weary in our prayers or in our efforts. May we have the faith of Abraham, of whom Paul said, “in hope he believed against hope” (Romans 4:18). May we, as Abraham, not lose our hope or weaken our faith when we consider our bodies (Romans 4:19) and the trials we face. Of course we have not been personally promised that our offspring would be as the stars in the sky — yet we feel called to produce children for the Kingdom, be it in Heaven or on the earth, and we can only move forward according to the call of God and the wisdom He gives us at any given time. Therefore, may we bold in seeking the face of our Father, bold in pursuing what means we must for physical fruitfulness, and bold in clinging to hope for more children in the Kingdom on earth. May we have no distrust to cause us to waver concerning God’s covenantal promises to us, and may we grow strong in faith as we give glory to God!! (Romans 4:20) May our faith be a witness to the world of God’s covenant-keeping love (His hesed), and to His power in our weakness. May it be accounted to us as righteousness (Romans 4:22-25).

“Safe In The Father’s Arms”

Far away from fear and death
Do my children play;
Never to know the sting of sin
On their spotless soul;
Never to know a single tear
Nor stab of searing pain.

In the Father’s arms are they,
His face do they behold.
In arms of tender comfort
They rest in loving cheer;
Salty taste of tears
Never to crease their face;
Not burnt by scorching sun
Nor chilled by thunderous storms.
Untouched by earthly shadows
And haunting pangs of night,
They giggle in golden warmth
And snuggle in contented glee.

Lifted higher than dreams can go,
They soar above
The failings of earth
And thrive in the love
Of the Father
Whose tender grace sparkles
And wondrous ways smile
With endless delight.

Yet my arms feel empty.
With painful chest
I long to hold them
To my breast;
To see their smiling faces
And ease my painful fears.
Yet this I know:
They are safe
In the Master’s care.
And I shall see them face to face
And hold them when I’m there.

They’ve breezed their way to Paradise.
How smooth their getting there;
So free from blame and shame.
More pain than them I’ve known,
Yet our destiny’s the same.
Their journey there was easy;
Long and hard is mine.
But whether quick or long,
We will meet again.

Till then, my loves, rest easy.
Behold his face and rejoice
Without a single fear.
I shall come to you some day
And you shall dry my tears,
As I weep in joy
To see your cheery face.
And even now at times
I think I hear your giggles,
But rest, my loves, in his arms,
Till I am with you there.

~unknown~

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
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Sunday February 28, 2010

If thou but suffer God to guide thee
 And hope in Him through all thy ways,
 He'll give thee strength, whate'er betide thee,
 And bear thee through the evil days.
 Who trusts in God's unchanging love
 Builds on the Rock that naught can move.
                
 What can these anxious cares avail thee,
 These never-ceasing moans and sighs?
 What can it help if thou bewail thee
 O'er each dark moment as it flies?
 Our cross and trials do but press
 The heavier for our bitterness.
                
 Be patient and await His leisure
 In cheerful hope, with heart content
 To take whate'er thy Father's pleasure
 And His discerning love hath sent,
 Nor doubt our inmost wants are known
 To Him who chose us for His own.
                
 God knows full well when times of gladness
 Shall be the needful thing for thee.
 When He has tried thy soul with sadness
 And from all guile has found thee free,
 He comes to thee all unaware
 And makes thee own His loving care.
                
 Nor think amid the fiery trial
 That God hath cast thee off unheard,
 That he whose hopes meet no denial
 Must surely be of God preferred.
 Time passes and much change doth bring
 And sets a bound to everything.
                
 All are alike before the Highest;
 'Tis easy to our God, we know,
 To raise thee up, though low thou liest,
 To make the rich man poor and low.
 True wonders still by Him are wrought
 Who setteth up and brings to naught.
                
 Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving,
 Perform thy duties faithfully,
 And trust His Word, though undeserving,
 Thou yet shalt find it true for thee.
 God never yet forsook in need
 The soul that trusted Him indeed.
 ~Georg Neumark, 1640~
We didn't sing the above song today in church. But my dear friend (who was today's accompanist) played a few
verses of it for the meditation at the beginning of the service.
 I was (need I even say it?) in tears.
 What a beautiful hymn. How true. How bittersweet. How heart-wrenching.
 How I wish I could recite these words with unswerving faith.
 It's hard.
 
 It is hard to believe that God will be with me and give me strength, no matter what circumstances He brings me.
 It is hard to trust that He will bear us through these evil days.
 It is hard to be patient, awaiting His leisure.
 It is hard to have cheerful hope (especially the cheerful part).
 It is hard to even believe sometimes that my inmost wants are actually known to God (what, isn't He listening?).
 It is hard to be confident in the fact that God has not cast me off unheard in this fiery trial (when it so  often feels
like maybe He has).
 It is hard to see others receiving blessing without obvious trial and grief, and not wonder if they are then the
preferred children of God (does my heavenly Father have "favorites"?).
 It is hard to know that it is easy for God to raise up and bring low, for that simply reminds me that my
bringing-low is His will, and it is not out of His grasp to stop.
 It is hard to sing, hard to pray, hard to keep His ways; hard to perform duties faithfully; hard to trust His word.
 It is hard to believe that I, so undeserving, will find His words true for me. Even me. Even my family. Even our
broken hearts. Even our grieving souls.
 
 But it is so.
 There is no denying.
 Only Satan wants to confuse me and confound me.
 My Father wants to bring beauty from these ashes.
 
 As my husband recently said, we are being released from the immediate hot burns of grief; the Lord is pulling us
out of that particular fire (for now). But here come the hammer and tongs. He is shaping us and molding us. He is
conforming us more into the image of His Son.
 So we are grimacing, bracing for it.
 And we are eagerly awaiting the beauty on the other side of the pain.

It was hard to sing some of the songs in church today with hope and faith, without my voice wobbling and my eyes filling with tears…
from Psalm 34: In every time I’ll always bless the LORD; His praise will ever be within my mouth… O fear the LORD, all you He has redeemed! For those who fear Him never suffer want. Young lions hunger; they may lack their food; But those who seek the LORD shall have no want.
from “Blessed Jesus, At Thy Word”: Open Thou our ears and heart; Help us by Thy Spirit’s pleading; Hear the cry Thy people raises; Hear and bless our prayers and praises… Grant that we Thy Word may trust And obtain true consolation…
from “The Son of God Goes Forth to War”: A noble army, men and boys, The matron and the maid, Around the Savior’s throne rejoice, In robes of light arrayed… O God, to us may grace be giv’n To follow in their train!

Today, as on other Sabbath days, I was allowed to worship in Spirit and in Truth. I went to the Heavenly Jerusalem today, to worship at the feet of Jesus. I brought my joys and my brokenness. And He did not turn me away. He fed me. He gave me His own body in broken bread and spilt wine.
And (just one other icing-on-the-cake reason to love it) I got to fellowship with my children. All six of them. We were together as a complete family, as on no other day of the week. And we praised together.

It is hard sometimes to sing certain words – either I know their truths too deeply, or I feel I perhaps will never deeply enough feel their truths (a bit of each usually).

I love reciting the Creeds. Especially the parts about looking for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
I look forward to Heaven.
Probably moreso than many other young women.
But as Samuel Rutherford puts it (sorry for the paraphrase), I just have more jewels in Heaven now, and simply more reasons to exult when it is my time to join them.
Elisabeth Elliot said, ” I wonder if one of the reasons God doesn’t give us more clues about what heaven is going to be like is that we would never manage to keep our minds on our work if we knew. It would be like telling little children ahead of time where the Christmas presents are hidden. ” (Be Still My Soul, pg 142). I think it’s true! Because today I feel like Christmas is coming, and I can’t wait to start ripping off the bows and peeling away the layers of paper to see what beautiful secrets are itching to be uncovered.

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Monday February 15, 2010

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.

While I do think that this holiday is much over-commercialized and over-emphasized to a large extent (I suppose that’s mostly personal preference, so don’t whack me over the head ~ we’re all entitled to our own opinions on these types of things)… I think marital romance can never be over-emphasized.

Now, of course, I happily married a romantic. He’s not the type of block-head husband who needs See’s and 1-800-Flowers to remind him to show me how much he loves me. We don’t need a specific Hallmark holiday to remind us of our passionate love for one another. Or of our tender love for one another. Or of our enduring love for one another. We live it out in our daily lives together. And we are so thankful for God’s blessing upon our marriage, and for giving us our love for one another. We give all the praise and glory to Him for the beauty in our marriage!

But, regardless of how beautifully we live a life of marital romance on a day-to-day basis, it is nice to have a few yearly opportunities (a poke with a pin, so to speak) to really go out of our way to show each other something special. Something unordinary. (Again, my husband & I do this kind of thing on days other than Valentine’s Day and our anniversary — we’re not limited to twice a year — but we also don’t neglect those days for reminders.)

I have previously posted about our real-life romance. How we don’t need fancy, expensive dinners out. Or weekly movie dates. Or a dozen roses delivered on special days. Although all of those things are undoubtedly nice and delightful, and we do indulge in such things on occasion.

But Valentine’s Day in our home is homey. And private. And lovely.
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
This year it included (but was not limited to): Steven writing me a poem, he made me dinner, I made dessert, we lit candles, looking at our wedding pictures, and we spent hours in one another’s company just being reminded of the beautiful thing God gave us when He covenanted with us on our wedding day.

So, sure: Valentine’s Day is over-commercialized & unnecesssary.
But I would never say it isn’t lovely & worthwhile.

I love it. 🙂

Husby grilling in the rain.

A port reduction sauce he concocted.

Delicious grilled lamb chop! The marinade was excellent.

Adding the finishing touches.

I turned the lights up for the photo, but we ate by candlelight.

Unfortunately this is the best pic we got of us together! Ack…

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Thursday February 11, 2010

Thou hidden source of calm repose,
Thou all sufficient love divine,
My help and refuge from my foes,
And joy and everlasting love;
To me with Thy dear Name are given
Pardon and holiness and Heaven.

Jesus, my all in all Thou art,
My rest in toil, my ease in pain,
The healing of my broken heart,
In war my peace, in loss my gain,
My smile beneath the tyrant’s frown,
In shame my glory and my crown.

In want my plentiful supply,
In weakness my almighty power,
In bonds my perfect liberty,
My light in Satan’s darkest hour,
In grief my joy unspeakable,
My life in death, my Heaven in hell.

~Charles Wesley, 1749

My thoughts:

  • He is a hidden source. Hidden. Unseen yet still there.
  • To me, my very own self; He is calmness, all-sufficiency, help, and refuge.
  • I am secure in Him. Today and for eternity. He will not -He can not– lose me, nor I Him.
  • When He bestowed upon me the name of Christian, He also bestowed upon me His gifts of pardon, holiness, and an eternity in Heaven.
  • Jesus is everything I need: rest, ease, healing, peace, gains, joys, glory, crown, full supply, power, liberty, light, life, and Heaven. He is everything, indeed.
  • He will heal my broken heart — I don’t need anything but Him for my band-aid.
  • I need no other glory and crown but Him to cover and reverse my shame.
  • In my grief, He is yet my joy — when no other joys present themselves (and even when they do), He is the ultimate joy that will not get rid of the grief but will make the grief survivable.
  • He is my life in death — in my own death, and in the deaths of my children. He is their life. And He keeps my life.
  • Through the hellishness of earth, He is Heaven to me. He will bring me there. To meet with Him there. And until then, He gives me the hope of Heaven to survive the here & now.
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Monday February 8, 2010

    Our pastoral intern, Ben Alexander, preaches excellently. I am always both encouraged and challenged by the words of Truth which Christ speaks through him.
    This morning he preached on 1 Corinthians 13 — you know, the famous “love” section. He highlighted verse 7:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.“

    It made me think about the members of Christ’s body that have truly reached out to us with such Christlike love lately. It isn’t just anyone who has loved us with this true type of love. The type that bears with us, believes with us, hopes with us, and endures with us. There are a number of people who have tangibly loved us this way. And my eyes filled with encouraged tears as soon as he began reading his sermon text this morning.
    A dear friend sent me an email not long ago saying that they find my husband & me to be exemplifying the love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13. The email meant a great deal to me, and blessed me. To know that we are ministering to others, proclaiming the Gospel through our life, and showcasing Christ’s love even in our grief and pain — that knowledge blessed me. And so I was reminded of that this morning.
    But in all honesty, I do not feel deserving of such encouragement. I do not feel like I bear all things or endure things — not well, at any rate. I feel like believing and hoping are grasping at straws for me some days.
    But may the Lord enable me to continually grow and become established in Him, conforming more and more to His image, so that I may (ere I die) be mature in this.
    Upon hearing the sermon text for today, the number one person that popped into my head was my Steven. He is patient and kind; never envious or boastful, arrogant or rude; he does not insist on his own way (even though he knows I would necessarily submit to him if he did); he is not easily irritated or harbor resentment; he rejoices in Truth; and truly, truly he bears all things (good, bad, ugly…) with me & for me, he believes all things (by the power of God in him) with me & for me, he hopes all things (for his hope is grounded deeply in the Lord), and he endures all things (I don’t even need to begin a list here). This man loves with a never-ending, never-failing love.
My Steven epitomizes this section of Scripture.
Praise the Lord. And amen!
    The next set of people that popped into my head are my parents. Never have such parents existed before, I think. (I know, I know — I’m partial, right?) They bear, believe, hope, and endure so much with us. Tangibly.
Praise the Lord. And hallelujah!
    And then there are others. Some who read this very blog! 🙂
Thank you for loving us with Christlike love.

    I know that Galatians 6:2 (“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”) is referring specifically to burdens of transgression, but I think the principle is largely (and appropriately) applied to other burdensome situations as well. My dearest friend’s mother leads a Bible study I attend, and she said recently “if you are bearing one another’s burdens, you should feel burdened. Truly burdened.” So for those of you who are specifically loving us in the way of helping to bear our burden of the past year — thank you for being burdened, and may our kind Father in Heaven bless you with a doublefold reward.

This morning, Ben Alexander said

“Maturity is the man of the most love.“

and

“Maturity is a person who knows that God loves them…
Who hates their sin and loves their forgiveness.“

I liked those snippets.
He also said

“Post millenialism is confident faith in God’s victory over the world.“

I love God’s victorious reign!

The five main points of the sermon application are as follows:
1) Christ’s enduring love is not provincial.
2) Christ’s enduring love is not self-preserving.
3) Christ’s enduring love does not believe a person can’t change.
4) Christ’s enduring love does not give up on people.
5) Christ’s enduring love places maximum value on the other person.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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Sunday February 7, 2010

I am thinking about mourning this morning.
After the death of one of my children, I wear a lot of black. This is very traditional, of course, but I do it out of my own manner of handling grief. I don’t do it truly purposefully every day. I do tend to do it purposefully when I go out in public — which, for a few weeks’ minimum following the death of one of my babies, tends to mostly be on Sunday. I wear black skirts, shirts, scarves — sometimes I even cover my head with a black hat or scarf.
Not because I find this necessary.
But because it is one traditional way of showing grief & mourning that is still acceptable and (although perhaps rarely) acknowledged.
I have been reading about grief and mourning in Scripture lately. Doing word studies mostly. Just for personal perusal and thought-provoking reading.
I will share a few thoughts briefly before I head to church, where I will not only worship my Father along with all the saints triumphant who have gone before me — but where my entire family will be present in one single pew. My husband, myself, our Gabriel… with all of our other children who we do not get to see or hold on a daily basis. Covenant Hope, Glory Hesed, Promise Anastasis, Peace Nikonos, and Mercy Kyrie. I get to sit with them today. Worship with them today. Be in their presence. And they get to be in mine. They may never have seen the love in my eyes or felt my milk on their tongues — but today, on the one day of the week where this is mystically possible, we get to be together. As one whole family. Complete.
And I love that more than I can tell you. Bitterly. And sweetly.

Psalm 38:6
I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
   all the day I go about mourning.
Lamentations 5:15
The joy of our hearts has ceased;
    our dancing has been turned to mourning.
~True verses. Poignant.~
Isaiah 22:12
In that day the Lord GOD of hosts
   called for weeping and mourning,
   for baldness and wearing sackcloth…
~The Lord *called* for these things. I love that. He calls for weeping and mourning, and their signs.~
Ezekiel 27:29-32
The mariners and all the pilots of the sea
   stand on the land
and shout aloud over you
   and cry out bitterly.
They cast dust on their heads
    and wallow in ashes;
they make themselves bald for you
   and put sackcloth on their waist,
and they weep over you in bitterness of soul,
   with bitter mourning.
In their wailing they raise a lamentation for you
   and lament over you…
~Just  more evidences of physical, demonstrated mourning and lamentation.~
James 4:9-10
Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.
~We are sometimes commanded to mourn, be wretched, and weep. To mourn and be gloomy. To be humbled, even humiliated. Very interesting.~
Jeremiah 9:17-18
Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider, and call for the mourning women to come;
   send for the skillful women to come;
let them make haste and raise a wailing over us,
    that our eyes may run down with tears
   and our eyelids flow with water.
~I find it so interesting that it is referenced as skillful to mourn well… wailing and crying. Very thought-provoking.~
Isaiah 60:19-22
The sun shall be no more
   your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon
   give you light;
but the LORD will be your everlasting light,
   and your God will be your glory.
Your sun shall no more go down,
   nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
   and your days of mourning shall be ended.
Your people shall all be righteous;
    they shall possess the land forever,
the branch of My planting, the work of My hands,
   that I might be glorified.
The least one shall become a clan,
   and the smallest one a mighty nation;
I am the LORD;
   in its time I will hasten it.
~O Lord, hasten it. Be glorified and mighty. Even unto us, a small one, make us a clan and a mighty nation in Your time.~
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
   He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
   and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
   to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
   the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
   the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
~I praise God for such evidences of comfort, a beautiful headdress, oil of gladness, a garment of praise! May my family be considered an oak of righteousness planted by God! And may He be glorified!!~
Revelation 21:3-5
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”
~I can not wait for all things to be finished being made new!! When there will be no more tears or death or mourning or crying or pain!! O Lord, hasten Your day, and bring glory to Yourself!!~

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Friday January 29, 2010

      I am still plugging along with some reading. Not as much as I was before, as I get too easily distracted by my thoughts – and then I end up getting very little out of the reading material, and the pages get too dimpled with salty tears to make it worthwhile. Maybe in another couple of weeks I will get back to books. For now I am mostly sticking with sewing and crafts and movies for distraction. (Yes, I admit that distraction is a great coping mechanism for me right now.)
      But when I feel strong enough for it, I am still delving page by page into The One Year Book of Hope. It is divided up into themes – five devotionals on each theme, along with an intro, closing meditation, and even guidelines for prayer. While it is difficult, it is wonderful. Bittersweet. Stingingly helpful. Accurately poignant.
This week I have been (ironically enough) in the theme of Death.
      The author, Mrs. Guthrie, says of her own deceased baby “…she no longer needed air to breathe. And I wondered if I was going to be able to.” I can 100% identify with that. There are moments when it physically hurts to inhale & exhale because of my grief. My body is both physical and emotional/spiritual. These aspects are tied in a unique way that only God truly understands. When my heart hurts so deeply, sometimes even my body hurts. Normal bodily functions that I normally don’t think about -like breathing- can become painful and laborious.
      Mrs. Guthrie also says, “…I’m reminded how natural death is for everyone and yet how completely unnatural it feels.” Yes. Unnatural. It feels foreign. And yet familiar. What an odd dichotomy.
Here are some quotes that I identify with and appreciate. I am thankful for this book, and thankful for the Word of God which Mrs. Guthrie weaves throughout. I am thankful that the Lord continues to speak to me and open Himself to me during my grief. He is faithful, and He is good, and He is my Father.

On Death:
~…[D]eath is not the end of the story.
~Death will be defeated.
~Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me.
When we are in the fold of God, death is impotent to destroy us. It is depleted of its evil power. The valley where we encounter death is transformed into a place of peaceful comfort; it is in this valley that we are more aware of God’s presence than every before.
~[Of her daughter]: I would like to see her grow. I would like to know her as an adult. But I also know that this life is filled with pain. And I don’t think it is a tragedy that she will have the opportunity to be spared from evil, from the pain of this life, and be in the presence of God. This is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I feel.

On Life:
~I craved the comfort of knowing that… life continues beyond the grave in the presence of God. This confidence was and is the only comfort when you stand at the grave.
~We can turn from God in the lowest moments of life, allowing our offense to alienate us from God until we are out in the cold, devoid of comfort and hope. Or we can turn toward Him, cry out to Him, and place our faith in Him as our sole source for life.
~It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
~I understand the pull and pleasure of drawing up the covers in an endeavor to sleep away the pain that comes with loss.
~…[T]his life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God.
~Every life is valuable because God Himself gives life and breath to everything. [Acts 17:24-25, 27-28]

On the “Whys of Suffering:
~So where is God in our suffering? He is redeeming it.
~[E]xperiencing suffering can build up your faith and force you to go deeper with God, or it can crush your spirit and squash your soul’s longing for God.

On 2 Corinthians 12:7-9:
~There was a time in my life when I read God’s response to Paul in this passage as a dismissive pat on the head. Perhaps because I’d so cheapened the significance of God’s grace. Perhaps because I’d heard similar words spoken in a tone that seemed to dismiss the suffering this promise is applied to. Or perhaps I had not believed that God’s grace is up to the task of addressing some of the suffering I see around me.
~It [God’s grace] will be delivered to you in the form and quantity and timing your circumstances require.
~The grace God provides to you is enough for whatever suffering He allows into your life, not just enough to survive but enough to equip you.

On the Holy Spirit/Comforter:
~Significant suffering leaves us with significant questions.
~We want the truth, not just cliches or religious-sounding pat answers. This is when we need the Holy Spirit like no other time, when we’re facing an uncertain future and trying to make sense of it all.
~God reveals Himself to those who earnestly seek Him.
~I think we expressed trust more out of a desire to trust than a confession of the reality in our souls.
~[W]e felt so guilty that so many people were praying for us so diligently when we were so prayerless–partly because it was so difficult to know how to pray.
~When we are weak-willed and weak-minded, when distress has consumed our energy and emotions, the Holy Spirit helps us.
~And when your life if bumped by difficulty, what will come spilling out will be what fills you–an abundance of the Holy Spirit.

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Sunday January 24, 2010

Psalm 139:13-17
“For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!”

It is January 24th, and the annual Sunday set aside to mark “Sanctity of Life.” It was January 22nd, 1973, when Roe versus Wade changed American history. Changed it for the worse. What a tragedy! So this Sunday nearest the anniversary of Roe versus Wade is set aside (since its first Presidential Proclamation in 1984 – text) as a time to focus on the beauty, the miracle, the sanctity of life – of every life – no matter how small; and to pray for the nation to realize its folly, to repent of its murderous sin, and to embrace the lives God gives.

Pastor John Piper has a great-looking set of sermons from Sanctity of Life Sundays – take a listen, if you will.

Please beseech the Lord today with Christians around the nation, for the destruction of Planned Parenthood (and similar organizations), for the softening of hardened hearts & the opening of blinded eyes, and for the obliteration of gestational murder (otherwise commonly referred to softly as ‘abortion’).

Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them,
for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Psalm 34:11
Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Matthew 11:25-26
Jesus declared, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was Your gracious will.”