Thursday November 12, 2009

I am fighting
shame
humiliation
inadequacy
discouragement
feeling unfeminine
feeling so incomplete
ugliness
covetousness
despair

I am rejoicing in
a husband who adores me amidst everything
our son who makes me smile even when I feel like dying
beautiful, fragrant, abundant flowers
an impromptu ice cream date
parents who do -quite literally- anything & everything for us
siblings who leave muffins on our front porch
mutually encouraging other mommies in pain
voicemail and email – so I don’t actually have to respond until I am stronger
the hope of the resurrection
my five children — FIVE

5 Replies to “Thursday November 12, 2009”

  1. *hugs*
    I can understand why you are fighting those things… life is SO hard.
    To go through what you have gone through not once, not twice but now 4 times… I can’t even begin to imagine your despair, your inadequacy and perhaps even anger with your body.
    Oh Melissa, I love you and am praying for you.
    Keep looking into the eyes of your loves ones, keep smelling those flowers and remembering… and hoping.
    ~Sam

    I wanted to share this song with you:

    “This Road” by Ginny Owens

    A million miles away from anything familiar
    a thousand places that I’d rather be
    so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
    though I find it hard to see though all my suffering
    in my heart I know your plan is so much bigger
    but this small part is all that I can see
    and I beleive you havn’t left me here to wander
    still I can’t help but ponder where you’re leading me
    (chorus)
    and I ask why this road
    why this way
    and this load
    tell me how far must I go
    til I see …til I know
    why this road
    A million miles away from anything familiar
    what was it like to be so far from home
    though you came in love
    the world misunderstood you
    there must have been some days when you felt so alone
    but you endured, because ther was joy before you
    joy that came because you sacrificed
    Since you gave yourself just to spend forever with me
    surely I can trust you’ll lead me through my darkest times
    when I ask why….(chorus)
    From here I can’t see
    why you’d choose this path for me
    but I don’t have to understand to beleive
    that you know why, this road
    why this way
    and this load
    you know how far I must go
    tile I see
    til I know
    why this road

  2. It is only natural and normal that you are struggling, I only wish there was something that would make things all better. *hugs* I cannot imagine the myriad of emotions you are going through.

    And thank you also for the reminder to look at our blessings at the same time we are going through an unimaginable painfully tough time.

    Enjoy the roses ;o)

    Love,

    Jaclynn

  3. there’s a Wes King song called We Thought You’d Be Here By Now… I heard it on our CD player today. I thought of you guys and several of our other friends trying to have children. Thought I’d share the words with you. Loved this post – it helps me know how to pray for you better.
    We thought you’d be here by now
    Your mother and I…
    We’re praying through our tears that somehow,
    We might hear your sweet cry…
    Have we waited too long
    It’s getting harder to be strong
    Is there something we’ve done wrong?

    But if you like dancing
    I’ll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
    And if you like dreaming
    Your mother will make your imagination run wild
    Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now.

    We have a room just for you upstairs, It’s right down the hall
    So we’ll be close should you ever get scared…
    We’ll come when you call
    It’s a room full of stories
    Waiting to be told
    Longing to behold

    And if you like laughing
    I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
    And if you like living
    Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

    Somehow…

    I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
    I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met
    Miss someone I haven’t met yet…

    We’ll be waiting….

  4. @joyfuldomesticity - 

    *hugs*

    As the rain fell gently here this evening, I thought of you especially.

    I hope the sunshine comes back into your life again soon… and I pray with all my heart that our Heavenly Father blesses you with more children here on this earth. May He continue to give you strength and comfort for each day.

    I’m glad the roses are a blessing; it was just something we thought might help just a bit. And help as something beautiful for your home.

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