Tuesday November 10, 2009

Somehow the world keeps spinning and everyone keeps moving forward, even when our world has come to a complete halt.
And so we must keep living, too. Sometimes we don’t know how.
It’s hard even to get out of bed in the morning.
It’s hard to put Gabriel to bed at night, for fear that he too might be called to Heaven before I have the chance to say goodbye & I love you — one last time.
It’s hard to button my jeans, for I wonder if they will ever again be too tight.
It’s hard to eat dinner, for wishing I were puking it up.
It’s hard to take pictures because I want the pictures of Peace’s sonogram not to be getting so distant in the past.
It’s hard to know Thanksgiving is coming up, because Glory “ought” to be born then.
It’s hard to get psyched for Christmas holidays when our spirits feel like anything but feasting and rejoicing.
It’s hard to work, it’s hard to eat, it’s hard to love, it’s hard to breathe.

It’s just HARD.

But it happens.
So we spin too.
And we keep on living.

I am making Christmas gifts (I think I’m done actually) — mostly “jar” gifts, as they are my favorite type. I can’t tell you what’s in them, though, for fear someone may read this who is destined to receive one.
I am done Christmas shopping except for a gift for my mama. I know what I want to get her — I just haven’t done it yet. Soon. She’s done so much for us this year, especially over these last seven or eight weeks. I want it to be “just right” to bless her and return just a pinch of the love back to her that she has so generously and abundantly given to me & my family.
Today, specifically, I am making birthday gifts for my grandparents. They will be visiting from California for a few weeks, and their birthdays are soon — we’re having our family party on Sunday. So I made toffee pecans for Grandpa and chocolate truffles for Grandma. Yes, I’ve been licking spoons and snacking on my “messes” all afternoon. It’s my duty. I can share recipes later if you insist.

So, yes, we are living. By God’s grace and through His sustenance. His sovereignty would have it thus.

And today my body is starting to feel more normal. Less like I just delivered a baby. Which is exactly how the last five days have felt. So although that makes me somewhat sad — it makes Peace Nikonos feel that much farther away from me — I am thankful for it. For physical healing. I know people are praying for that for me.

The mourning, grieving, and emotional/spiritual healing is a much longer process.
But God will carry us through that as well.
He always does.

I’ll try to post some pictures soon of what LIFE looks like.
Bless you.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
[The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

4 Replies to “Tuesday November 10, 2009”

  1. “It’s hard to eat dinner, for wishing I were puking it up.” 

    — I wish more ladies would stop complaining about morning sickness and praise God for the healthy baby growing within. I liked that you wrote this. Its a good reminder to so many women. Reminds me to BE thankful when God brings a great blessing. Don’t look for things to complain about. It could be much worse. 
    I’m impressed that you’re able and willing to blog about these things. I’m glad you do – its helpful for me to sort of understand where you’re coming from, in a small way. 
    Praying for God’s love to envelope you and His grace to sustain you.  

  2. Thanks, Stef, very much. ((hug))
    As far as being able… I’m trying.
    As far as being willing, it’s what God has called me to.
    I can not -and will not- be silent about miscarriages and about the death of children. We do not believe that is good or appropriate. We would not be silent if our older child died. This is, ultimately, no different. God has opened a lot of doors and taught a lot of people about Himself through my suffering — not only through friendships and church, but through various support groups and forums I participate in — and I am thankful for that. May God continue to use me as He wills.
    This is my burden (to share my experience, to teach others, to come alongside & encourage other families who endure this), and I pray that God by His grace will someday enable me to say that it is also my joy.
    Thank you for following us through this, as I attempt to be honest & transparent. I don’t only post the good things. I can’t.

  3. I, too, am amazed at your willingness and your ableness to blog/talk about it. It’s just that I think if I were in your position, I would just cry and cry and cry and not be able to share as much as you have. I know I’d try but I don’t think I’d be able to get as far as you have.

    It must extremely difficult to be joyous in the joyous occasions around you when you are grieving a loss so great. So hard, so very hard.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you, dear. And not just you, but Steven and Gabriel and your parents and siblings too. I know everyone is grieving for Peace is no longer with you all.

    May God bring you comfort and peace and strength. May His loving arms envelope you with His sufficiency.
    I love you,
    Sam

  4. I think its such a blessing and speaks such loud volumes to the unsaved, when they see God’s people going through real and great sorrow. It shows them that we have hard lives and we struggle, ache, weep, even feel like dying inside – but then we’re able to share the joy and hope we have in God! It speaks such amazing things to them about the God we serve and speaks volumes about our faith. So continue bringing glory to God, even in your pain and losing your babies will not be in vain. God has a plan for their little lives, no matter how short lived. Love, Stef

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