Somehow the world keeps spinning and everyone keeps moving forward, even when our world has come to a complete halt.
And so we must keep living, too. Sometimes we don’t know how.
It’s hard even to get out of bed in the morning.
It’s hard to put Gabriel to bed at night, for fear that he too might be called to Heaven before I have the chance to say goodbye & I love you — one last time.
It’s hard to button my jeans, for I wonder if they will ever again be too tight.
It’s hard to eat dinner, for wishing I were puking it up.
It’s hard to take pictures because I want the pictures of Peace’s sonogram not to be getting so distant in the past.
It’s hard to know Thanksgiving is coming up, because Glory “ought” to be born then.
It’s hard to get psyched for Christmas holidays when our spirits feel like anything but feasting and rejoicing.
It’s hard to work, it’s hard to eat, it’s hard to love, it’s hard to breathe.
It’s just HARD.
But it happens.
So we spin too.
And we keep on living.
I am making Christmas gifts (I think I’m done actually) — mostly “jar” gifts, as they are my favorite type. I can’t tell you what’s in them, though, for fear someone may read this who is destined to receive one.
I am done Christmas shopping except for a gift for my mama. I know what I want to get her — I just haven’t done it yet. Soon. She’s done so much for us this year, especially over these last seven or eight weeks. I want it to be “just right” to bless her and return just a pinch of the love back to her that she has so generously and abundantly given to me & my family.
Today, specifically, I am making birthday gifts for my grandparents. They will be visiting from California for a few weeks, and their birthdays are soon — we’re having our family party on Sunday. So I made toffee pecans for Grandpa and chocolate truffles for Grandma. Yes, I’ve been licking spoons and snacking on my “messes” all afternoon. It’s my duty. I can share recipes later if you insist.
So, yes, we are living. By God’s grace and through His sustenance. His sovereignty would have it thus.
And today my body is starting to feel more normal. Less like I just delivered a baby. Which is exactly how the last five days have felt. So although that makes me somewhat sad — it makes Peace Nikonos feel that much farther away from me — I am thankful for it. For physical healing. I know people are praying for that for me.
The mourning, grieving, and emotional/spiritual healing is a much longer process.
But God will carry us through that as well.
He always does.
I’ll try to post some pictures soon of what LIFE looks like.
[The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.