Today is the second anniversary of losing our third child, Glory Hesed. He was my second miscarriage, but the first one in my bout of recurrent losses. The first of my back-to-back griefs. The first that got me rolling into the horrible realm of “secondary infertility.” When I lost Glory, I was still fairly oblivious. Everyone had told me that losing your first baby was so common; everyone implied that it wouldn’t happen again. So when my second pregnancy resulted in a live Gabriel in my arms, I finally believed everyone.
And then Glory filled my womb (making me desperately giddy) ~ and then the Lord called him home (plunging me into darkness).
Glory was the baby that made me really question, really wonder, really waver.
Glory was the one that first let me put a “Big Brother” onesie on my sweet Gabriel.
Glory was the one that inclined my midwife to encourage us to begin testing (although we didn’t yet).
Glory was the one that left my womb the earliest.
I can hardly believe it has been two years since we lost him. Two years since my naivete began oh-so-quickly melting away into the realities of the horribleness of life. Two years since my womb has been constantly groaning over death with no respites of life upon which to rest my weary self.
Oh Glory. Today I am trying to recall the depth of your middle name to the innermost part of my heart: God’s covenantal love and faithfulness. Hesed. It is deeper and truer than I can imagine. I simply have to believe that He is being loving and faithful, for it is His character (from which He can not depart).
So sweet baby, happy heavenly birthday. Happy second anniversary of your entrance into the heavenly glories for which you were named.
I love you. And oh, I miss you.