I have an honest confession that I need to make, but it is very difficult to make this confession publicly. I feel like I should be stronger than I am, or at least more joyful even if weak. But the true confession is that I am really struggling to cope and function on the most basic levels, and not give in to overwhelming anxiety. I am now pretty much past all seven of my past miscarriage marker dates (with the exception of one that was a missed miscarriage, and while it took my body a while to actually miscarry, her development had stopped by now)… but because the problems we are facing this time are totally unrelated to my immunological problems that caused all seven of my previous miscarriages, I feel like I am in frightening territory that is completely new, unfamiliar, unknown… and it is so terrifying.
My plethora of medications, thanks be to God, are once again controlling my immunological problems and protecting this baby, allowing my body to nurture him/her! I am SO grateful for that. It makes every pill, every injection, every past hiccup and mountain totally worthwhile. Praise to God alone for providing these things!!
But that does not help with the problem this baby is facing: that of seeming to be outgrowing the gestational sac. I had never even heard of that before, and now I’m too afraid to “research” it online because knowing the level of risk just wouldn’t really help my coping right now.
I’m trying to take it easy, as limited activity was suggested as “it couldn’t hurt and might help.”
I’m also drinking at least a gallon of water a day, again suggested along similar lines; I guess thinking that if my body is super hydrated, maybe the baby would get more amniotic fluid and maybe the sac would grow better…?
It is such a helpless feeling, especially as a mother: to know that I am doing everything I can, yet still feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do.
One thing is for sure: I do NOT know how anyone could cope with such situations without resting in Christ and His sovereignty.
So we are thankful that we are His. We are thankful that this baby is His, and only lent to us. We are thankful that we know with certainty that Little ‘Leven’s days are already numbered, and that the Creator of all things and Sustainer of all creation is the One who not only created but sustains this darling baby.
I definitely find myself living and breathing that C.S. Lewis quote,
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
May God sustain us, and may He grant me the ability to cope little by little because of His great grace, so that I can follow Him with faith and continue doing what He has called me to do as the mother of this beloved child.
This morning as I read a daily devotional snippet by Nancy Guthrie, the Lord spoke to me right where I need a continual reminder today, and I am so thankful that even little things like this can be exhorting even while I sit here trembling, crying, wondering what the future holds:
Joshua 1:9
This is my command ~ be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Walking through life with Me does not mean that there is never any struggle, or that you will never face opposition or difficulty. It means that you can encounter whatever comes without being crippled by fear or depleted by discouragement. Instead, you can know a strength and courage that comes from your settled confidence that I am with you. I am out in front of you, leading you into the abundant life I have promised to give you. I am beside you, speaking words of encouragement and instruction, pointing out potential dangers. I am in you, filling you with My power and conforming you into the image of My dear Son. When I tell you I am with you, I do not mean I am present in a general sense, but in a personal sense. You have My attention and affection. Wherever you go, you can reach out and find Me right beside you.
Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. Now I know exactly how to pray for you, Steven and little “Leven”.
Ah that quote is so hard, but so is life. Praying for you always.
I wish I could bring you coffee and a hug. Praying for you and trusting that God’s grace and mercy will be plain in the coming months!!
Oh Melissa, it must be so difficult to be facing a new fear, one that is so unfamiliar and not dealt with before. *hugs* I wish I could give you a real hug! I am praying for you and little Leven. Praying that God will give you strength and courage to overcome the helplessness you are feeling. I know He will sustain you as you take each day as it comes. I am praying that come August you will be holding your baby in your arms; healthy and well.
I can definitely sympathize with you! I remember when I got pregnant with Miles I felt an overwhelming sense of fear and peace all at the same time. It was so odd and hard to wrap my brain around. Fear of what might happen, fear of how it could be worse this time, fear of who knows what! But peace from God that told me no matter what the “what ifs” God would take care of me and what was going to happen would never be outside his will or control.
I’ve been praying for you and baby and I’m glad you’re resting up and taking care of its little body!
Oh Melissa I am lifting you up in prayer. I remember those utterly helpless feelings, wanting to Google my daughter’s condition, being frightened of another loss, knowing that the outcome was not in my control. God is the God of peace comfort. And so I pray that He would comfort you and give you His perfect peace during this time. ((Hugs))