Month: December 2009

Posted on

Sunday December 20, 2009

ADVENT ~ Fourth Week
Lift Up Your Head & Behold!
Lift up your heads, ye mighty gates;
Behold, the King of glory waits;
The King of kings is drawing near;
The Savior of the world is here!

A Helper just He comes to thee,
His chariot is humility,
His kingly crown is holiness,
His scepter, pity in distress.

O blest the land, the city blest,
Where Christ the Ruler is confessed!
O happy hearts and happy homes
To whom this King in triumph comes!

Fling wide the portals of your heart;
Make it a temple, set apart
From earthly use for heaven’s employ,
Adorned with prayer and love and joy.

Redeemer, come, with us abide;
Our hearts to Thee we open wide;
Let us Thy inner presence feel;
Thy grace and love in us reveal.

Thy Holy Spirit lead us on
Until our glorious goal is won;
Eternal praise, eternal fame
Be offered, Savior, to Thy Name!

~Georg Weissel, tr. Catherine Winkworth

Zechariah 8:1-8

And the word of the LORD of hosts came, saying, “Thus says the LORD of hosts: I am jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I am jealous for her with great wrath. Thus says the LORD: I have returned to Zion and will dwell in the midst of Jerusalem, and Jerusalem shall be called the faithful city, and the mountain of the LORD of hosts, the holy mountain. Thus says the LORD of hosts: Old men and old women shall again sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each with staff in hand because of great age. And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets. Thus says the LORD of hosts: If it is marvelous in the sight of the remnant of this people in those days, should it also be marvelous in my sight, declares the LORD of hosts? Thus says the LORD of hosts: behold, I will save my people from the east country and from the west country, and I will bring them to dwell in the midst of Jerusalem. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God, in faithfulness and in righteousness.”

[as a side note… I LOVE THIS next part!]

 

The Incarnation began a new world: “old things have passed away; behold all things have

become new” (2 Cor. 5:18). “God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself ” (2 Cor.

5:19). In the Incarnation we learn that “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And

the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it” (Jn. 1:4,5).


Themes of newness and light should always pervade our Christmas celebrations. The

northern hemisphere has an especially nice background—darkest winter—to emphasize light

overcoming darkness. Sometimes we decorate our homes with lights as a symbol of turning

back the night, of the brightness scattering the darkness. Just when the sun is farthest from the

earth, the Light of lights moves us toward spring.


In a parallel way, we emphasize newness by pressing forward toward a restored Eden. To

plant a tree full of “fruit” in our living rooms in the middle of winter is another way we picture

turning back the death of winter. The tree itself is not some compromised pagan carry over.

The symbol is originally biblical; trees of life and knowledge are central to our Edenic origins.

Sure pagans slunk off with Edenic symbols and worshiped the creature rather than the Creator,

but that is their sin, not ours. The Bible begins and ends with a tree, and the reversal of the

Fall gets its strength from the Incarnation: “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.”


This newness of life is not only pictured in fruitful trees; the whole creation has been

made new. Christmas is the beginning of the New Heavens and Earth, and this naturally comes

to expression in our gift giving—new clothes, new tools, new games, new books—a new world.

And if the Lord blesses and your tree is gloriously surrounded with boxes on top of boxes of

this new order of stuff, you can stoop down level with all those boxes and see that the boxes

resemble a city skyline, a new city, “the great city, the holy Jerusalem”—“the foundations of

the wall of the city were adorned with all kinds of precious stones” (Rev. 21:19) where the

nations “bring the glory and the honor of the nations into it” (Rev. 21:26). And in the middle

of this city is “the tree of life, which bore twelve fruits, each tree yielding its fruit every month.

The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations” (Rev. 22:2)—your Christmas tree.


Most Christian treatments of Christmas wallow in complaining about materialism and

commercialism. Those concerns obviously have their place. But we must learn to delight in the

life of God. If you have a healthy family, focus on the positive vision—light and life and newness.

This is a time when the world turned from a desert drought to the abundance of Christ.


~Douglas Jones, from “A Family Liturgy…”

Behold! the mountain of the Lord
In latter days shall rise
On mountain tops above the hills,
And draw the wondering eyes.

To this the joyful nations round,
All tribes and tongues, shall flow;
Up to the hill of God, they’ll say,
And to His house we’ll go.

The beam that shines from Zion hill
Shall lighten every land;
The King Who reigns in Salem’s towers
Shall all the world command.

Among the nations He shall judge;
His judgments truth shall guide;
His scepter shall protect the just,
And quell the sinner’s pride.

No strife shall vex Messiah’s reign
Or mar the peaceful years;
To plowshares soon they beat their swords
To pruning hooks their spears.

No longer hosts encountering hosts,
Their millions slain deplore;
They hang the trumpets in the hall
And study war no more.

Come then, O house of Jacob, come
To worship at His shrine;
And, walking in the light of God,
With holy beauties shine.

~Michael Bruce, paraphrasing Isaiah 2

“The angels knew what was going on even if no one else did. They grasped the bizarre reality of Shakespeare stepping onto the stage, of God making Himself vulnerable, dependent, and human — making Himself Adam. And so, in a more appropriate sense, they arranged a concert and put on what was no doubt the greatest choral performance in planetary history.

Were the kings gathered? Where were the people with the important hats? Where were the ushers, the corporate sponsors?

The Heavenly Host, the souls and angels of stars, descended into our atmosphere and burst in harmonic joy above a field and some rather startled shepherds.

But the crowd was bigger than that. The shepherds were a distinct minority. Mostly, the angels were just singing to sheep.

I’m sure those animals paid attention, and not just because there was a baby in their food bowl.

Sidenote: Does this sound like something a human would make up? Does it sound like something a bunch of cult builders would create to impress potential tithers?

And then the Holy One, the World-Maker, was born in a …in…uh…

And the angels themselves descended, overflowing with jubilation and sang to a randomly selected flock of sheep and a couple of their unwashed, illiterate shepherds — the Lord Incarnate’s first worshipers.”

~N.D. Wilson, from “Tilt-a-Whirl”

[Christmas stockings are] quite delightful. And, yes, lots of the stuff I put in them is entirely unnecessary. But God gives us “unnecessaries” all the time. Like the flickers (woodpeckers) out on my fence. And the pink winter sunsets. And the red berries hanging so colorfully from the bare branches of the Mountain Ash.  And the powdery snow falling quietly on the trees. Who needs all that stuff? Totally redundant and perfectly wonderful. God stuffs our stockings full of unnecessary pleasures and over-our-quota goodness day after day. Oh, to be like Him.
~Nancy Wilson

Philippians 2:12-16

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.”

John 12:46

“I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.”

Posted on

Saturday December 19, 2009

I can’t believe Christmas is less than a week away! I hope your preparations and celebrations are going wonderfully, and that the joy of the Lord is your strength.
First of all, thank you all for your continued prayers for our family! The Lord is good, and continues to provide our daily bread. We rejoice in His mercies!
As a quick update on Baby Six, we have gotten two sets of good hormone levels this week – and the first ultrasound went well, too. Each day is a milestone at this point, and we continue to beseech the Lord to use our new treatments to help protect Baby Six.
Also, I realized I needed to upload a few more pictures before Christmas! Enjoy.

Going on a walk with Gabriel when it was only about 15 degrees out – it didn’t last long. 🙂
 
Although we were able to buy gifts for family members this year, I still enjoyed making goodies for the deacons & elders, other church workers, Bible study leaders, neighbors, and some friends. I did various types of candied nuts for most everyone, with gift bags full of jarred gifts for some people too – either pancake mix and strawberry sauce or a jar of soup mix with a small jar of cornbread mix. To fatten up our friends! 🙂

I made a super amazing food creation not long ago. Yes, I am patting myself on the back. 🙂 These are 3 Cheese Pesto Rolls. With dough made like my cinnamon roll dough (only slightly less sweet), I filled them with a mixture of cream cheese, butter, homemade pesto, and two grated cheeses. They were a huge hit!! I am already eager to make them again. 🙂 One night we had them for dinner with breaded pork chops, and another day with tomato soup (that was on a Sunday – notice the Advent candles?).

A short series of pics from when we took our Christmas photo. 🙂

And the winner was….

 

Decanting some delicious port.

Celebrating Advent with readings, music, and -Gabriel’s favorite part- chocolate truffles!

For the first time, we were invited to a Christmas party! A cocktail Christmas party. It was so much fun to have an excuse to get dressed up and go out! And -for once- we stayed up late too. 🙂

We also recently had a Family Date Night – I think this “first” must become a tradition of sorts. 🙂 We took Gabriel out to our favorite local burger joint, and he got his very first cheeseburger. He loved it! Didn’t even want fries. 🙂 Then we went to a toy shop and let him roam the aisles for a while. It was so cute! We bought him a Christmas toy (a super cute little tractor, complete with animals in a trailer that make noises), after judging his favorites. 🙂

Posted on

Monday December 14, 2009

Advent ~ Week Three
Begotten In Love

Of the Father’s love begotten, ere the worlds began to be,
He is Alpha and Omega, He the source, the ending He,
Of the things that are, that have been,
And that future years shall see, evermore and evermore!

At His Word the worlds were framèd; He commanded; it was done:
Heaven and earth and depths of ocean in their threefold order one;
All that grows beneath the shining
Of the moon and burning sun, evermore and evermore!

He is found in human fashion, death and sorrow here to know,
That the race of Adam’s children doomed by law to endless woe,
May not henceforth die and perish
In the dreadful gulf below, evermore and evermore!

O that birth forever blessèd, when the virgin, full of grace,
By the Holy Ghost conceiving, bare the Savior of our race;
And the Babe, the world’s Redeemer,
First revealed His sacred face, evermore and evermore!

This is He Whom seers in old time chanted of with one accord;
Whom the voices of the prophets promised in their faithful word;
Now He shines, the long expected,
Let creation praise its Lord, evermore and evermore!

O ye heights of heaven adore Him; angel hosts, His praises sing;
Powers, dominions, bow before Him, and extol our God and King!
Let no tongue on earth be silent,
Every voice in concert sing, evermore and evermore!

Righteous judge of souls departed, righteous King of them that live,
On the Father’s throne exalted none in might with Thee may strive;
Who at last in vengeance coming
Sinners from Thy face shalt drive, evermore and evermore!

Thee let old men, thee let young men, thee let boys in chorus sing;
Matrons, virgins, little maidens, with glad voices answering:
Let their guileless songs re-echo,
And the heart its music bring, evermore and evermore!

Christ, to Thee with God the Father, and, O Holy Ghost, to Thee,
Hymn and chant with high thanksgiving, and unwearied praises be:
Honor, glory, and dominion,
And eternal victory, evermore and evermore!

Luke 1:26-38

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”

And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”

And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the Child to be born will be called holy— the Son of God. And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.” And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Advent Expectancy

by Nancy Wilson

This morning at worship my husband taught us the difference between looking at Advent as a season of preparation as opposed to a season of penitence.  Some Christians view the Advent season as a time to “give up something” like they do for Lent. But if we give up facebook for Advent, and then tell all our friends about it, this is not a biblical fast. When we fast, or give up something, no one but God should know about it. (We should keep it to ourselves and not announce to everyone that we are giving up chocolate or coffee!) Jesus made fun of the Pharisees for letting everyone know when they were fasting (Matthew 6:16-18). “They have their reward.” Of course fasting can be spiritually healthy when done in a God-honoring way. Penitence means repentance, and that is something we should be eager to do all year long. Real repentance means rooting out real sin and bad habits.

We are sometimes tempted to feel guilty for things that God has not prohibited.  But this is diabolical and comes from the accuser, just like the White Witch in Narnia who, when she saw the animals feasting and opening gifts, demanded to know “Why all this waste?” In the Garden of Eden there was only one tree forbidden in the midst of many trees. But ever since Adam ate the fruit, we have been frozen in that moment, thinking all the trees were forbidden, and that God does not want His people having too much fun. But that is slandering our good God.

If we view Advent not as a season of penitence, but as a season of preparation, that is not because we are against repentance. We are getting ready, putting things in order, smoothing out the road (Isaiah 40:1-8).  Advent is much like the time we spend in the kitchen preparing a feast. It is a time of anticipation and excitement, standing on tiptoe waiting expectantly for the coming of the Messiah. The angels brought glad tidings, and we want to live in such a way that we can bring these same tidings of comfort and joy to the whole world. And that can’t be done with a long face.

Lo, how a Rose e’er blooming from tender stem hath sprung!
Of Jesse’s lineage coming, as men of old have sung.
It came, a floweret bright, amid the cold of winter,
When half spent was the night.

Isaiah ’twas foretold it, the Rose I have in mind;
With Mary we behold it, the virgin mother kind.
To show God’s love aright, she bore to men a Savior,
When half spent was the night.

The shepherds heard the story proclaimed by angels bright,
How Christ, the Lord of glory was born on earth this night.
To Bethlehem they sped and in the manger found Him,
As angel heralds said.

This Flower, whose fragrance tender with sweetness fills the air,
Dispels with glorious splendor the darkness everywhere;
True Man, yet very God, from sin and death He saves us,
And lightens every load.

O Savior, Child of Mary, who felt our human woe,
O Savior, King of glory, who dost our weakness know;
Bring us at length we pray, to the bright courts of Heaven,
And to the endless day!

John 1:1-16

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him was not any thing made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.

The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, yet the world did not know Him. He came to His own, and His own people did not receive Him. But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. ( John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was He of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because He was before me.'”) And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

from Sketches of Home, by Suzanne Clark

pp 29-30

 As Christmas nears I am drawn to Mary: Mary holding her hands on her belly to feel the spasms made by her baby’s hiccups; Mary imagining the face of God. What paradox. What double awe. Not only was she struck with the wonder every mother feels in bearing a child, but she also marveled that the child was divine: earthly but unearthly; infantile, yet older than time and timeless. I picture the hardships she suffered, the difficulty of giving birth in a barn.

 

Joseph at My Side

You caught him

a watery weight

and laid him raw

against me.

 

My lips were parched,

you gave drink, your hands

still streaked and trembling.

 

You took the afterbirth away

then sheltered us

with your shoulders.

 

Our words were hushed,

like dove’s words:

     Joseph, you are strong like a mountain.

     Sleep now. Let me take my God-boy.

 

Did she know the terrible things her Son would suffer? Was her motherly joy mingled with dread?

As we continue getting closer to the Christmas season, traversing the days of Advent, rejoice with us in God’s great gift of Light and Life!! Hoping, expecting, longing, seeking, praying….. Never have these feelings been more heightened. Never has it been more appropriate. God is teaching, molding, training, growing. Praise Him!

Posted on

Thursday December 10, 2009

I have a new diagnosis – I have a somewhat rare autoimmune disorder that gives my babies only an 8% chance of survival without treatment.
Thus, I have new treatment – it’s called IVIg, where my blood gets infused via i.v. with a medicine made from about 1000 people’s plasma. This monthly (or so) treatment should give our babies at least a 50% chance to survive.
And also, my womb has a new tenant – Baby Six has slipped in as secretly and quietly as Peace slipped out. Praise be to the Lord, who does all things well!

Please uphold us in prayer.
We are still in grief, and trying to plow in hope.
These next few days and weeks are very tentative and scary.
May God have mercy upon our family, and preserve Baby Six for life in the Kingdom on earth.
And may He use His gift of medical advances to enable my womb to care for this (and future) baby(ies).

Posted on

Thursday December 10, 2009

from Sketches of Home, by Suzanne Clark

“Impossible Child,” pp 27-28

 

Sublime. This is my word for the incarnation taking place. I am regal, sobered with the knowledge that deep in my body is a microscopic child, sacred and beloved. I float.

 

Obstetrics

Tomorrow they will tell me what I know.

After tools and taps they will talk in facts

Of mystery, of the flame in so dark

a place you want to look and see God

shaping the hands and face.

They will call it by other names

but I will be hearing

blood and bones sliding in place

to music steep as stars.

 

I am in a dream

while the doctor feels clay

and schedules birth on a chart unreal.

As the earthen womb sings,

making its pearl,

I allow everything:

quake of birth that will leave the poem

of dust in my mouth.

Posted on

Tuesday December 8, 2009

“[This] gives me new appreciation for the
concentration and emotional stamina that a yo-yo must have.
God is good, living can be exhausting, world without end, Amen.”
~J. Farley (a pastor-friend of ours)
Posted on

Monday December 7, 2009

Week Two of Advent 2009
The Comfort of our God

Comfort, comfort ye My people,
speak ye peace, thus saith our God;
comfort those who sit in darkness,
mourning ‘neath their sorrow’s load;
speak ye to Jerusalem
of the peace that waits for them;
tell her that her sins I cover,
and her warfare now is over.

For the herald’s voice is crying
in the desert far and near,
bidding all men to repentance,
since the Kingdom now is here.
O that warning cry obey!
Now prepare for God a way!
Let the valleys rise to meet Him,
and the hills bow down to greet Him.

Make ye straight what long was crooked,
make the rougher places plain:
let your hearts be true and humble,
as befits His holy reign,
For the glory of the Lord
now o’er the earth is shed abroad,
and all flesh shall see the token
that His word is never broken.

Words: Johann G. Olearius, 1671;
trans. Catherine Winkworth, 1863
Isaiah 40:1-5, 9-11

Comfort, comfort My people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and cry to her
that her warfare is ended,
   that her iniquity is pardoned,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins.

A voice cries: “In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD;
    make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
   and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
   and the rough places a plain.
And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
   and all flesh shall see it together,
    for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

Get you up to a high mountain,
   O Zion, herald of good news;
lift up your voice with strength,
   O Jerusalem, herald of good news;
   lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
   “Behold your God!”
Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might,
   and His arm rules for Him;
behold, His reward is with Him,
   and His recompense before Him.
He will tend His flock like a shepherd;
    He will gather the lambs in His arms;
He will carry them in His bosom,
   and gently lead those that are with young.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o’er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai’s height,
In ancient times did’st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Words: Ve­ni, ve­ni Eman­u­el
Trans: Neale
Luke 1:26-33

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”

Two Kinds Of Black
an exhortation by my former pastor, Douglas Wilson

As we celebrate the coming of the Christ, we must never forget the kind of world He was born into. The blackness that the star of Bethlehem shone brightly from was a creational blackness, the kind of blackness that was visible on the first day of our world—when it was evening and it was morning, the first day, and it was all very good.

But the child Himself was the morning star, and the blackness that He shone brightly from was a Herodian blackness, a moral darkness, an ethical night of pitch black sin. The slaughter of the innocents is an integral part of the Christmas story, and not some unfortunate event that happened around the same time. It was the kind of thing that illustrated the reason why Christ had to come in the first place. But strikingly, I don’t think it is possible to buy a nativity set that has any of Herod’s soldiers in it. We don’t want to tell ourselves the whole story, whether past or present.

Then, as now, the choice was stark. Either we will receive Christ to rule over us, and we will welcome Him gladly, or we will turn our backs on Him, and welcome the ways of coercion and blood. Ultimately, there will be blood one way or the other, and so the choice will be between the blood of the willing sacrifice, or countless unwilling sacrifices. It is either Christ on the cross, and the salvation of the world, or it will be all the possible permutations of Molech worship, and the maw of death that is never satisfied. It will either be the death that arrived when Christ cried out, “It is finished,” or it will be the way of death that is never finished and never satisfied.

And so, celebrate this Advent with gospel satisfaction. Rest in the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, that was a once for all completion. Tell the story of the turmoil and unrest in the world that Christ came into, and teach your children how that unrest cannot be given rest apart from receiving the yoke of Jesus Christ.

In that manger we see the warrior who was born to slay the dragon, and we see that the dragon instinctively knew the nature of the threat and tried to do what dragons always do. The dragon raged all through the streets of Bethlehem because his time was short. We sing in the streets of Bethlehem because the dragon has been slain, and we say of the one who did this great thing that of the increase of His government there will be no end.

Click here to see three short videos (that made me get all teary – but then, what doesn’t do that these days?!) of why I sometimes miss my old church like crazy. And why I am praying for reformation and revival so that I may raise my sweet Gabriel (and any other children who may someday fill our home) in surroundings of beauty, goodness, and truth.

Isaiah 42:1-12

Behold My Servant, whom I uphold,
   My chosen, in whom My soul delights;
I have put My Spirit upon Him;
    He will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up His voice,
   or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed He will not break,
   and a faintly burning wick He will not quench;
    He will faithfully bring forth justice.
He will not grow faint or be discouraged
   till He has established justice in the earth;
   and the coastlands wait for His law.

Thus says God, the LORD,
   who created the heavens and stretched them out,
   who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people on it
   and spirit to those who walk in it:
“I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness;
   I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
    a light for the nations,

to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
    from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the LORD; that is My Name;
    My glory I give to no other,
   nor My praise to carved idols.
Behold, the former things have come to pass,
    and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
   I tell you of them.”

Sing to the LORD a new song,
   His praise from the end of the earth,
you who go down to the sea, and all that fills it,
    the coastlands and their inhabitants.
Let the desert and its cities lift up their voice,
   the villages that Kedar inhabits;
let the habitants of Sela sing for joy,
   let them shout from the top of the mountains.
Let them give glory to the LORD,
   and declare His praise in the coastlands.

Today I am choosing to hope.
I am choosing to long not only for God to fulfill the desires He has placed in our hearts, but also to long for Him to fully fill my heart with Himself. It is hard to make these choices. In a lot of ways, it is easier to sit in a corner, pull out my hair, and wail in despair.
But not today.
Today I am choosing to be thankful that God sent His Son to earth.
For me.
For my covenant children.
So that I am able to spend an eternity in Paradise with my children.
As a complete family.
Worshiping Him forever in holiness.
So I praise Him for this Advent season.

I feel like I am living in a strange dichotomy, walking a fine line between praise and grief.
I am praying that God will keep me on the straight and narrow, so that I do not fall to one side of that fine line or the other.

Oh Jesus, send Your Spirit.

Posted on

Saturday December 5, 2009

A month ago today my world crushed and fell ~ again.
A month ago today my youngest child flew to Paradise.
A month ago today my hope was crushed.
A month ago today my faith was shaken.
A month ago today my womb became empty again.
A month ago today our future became uncertain.
A month ago today the sackcloth was brought out.
A month ago today we donned our grief.
A month ago today the weeping gates flew open.

Today I am still weeping.
Today I am asking, why?
Today I am so lonely.
Today my hope and faith are trying.
Today my womb itself is crying out.
Today I feel isolated, alone.
Today I feel ashamed, humiliated.
Today my arms ache for the children I can never hold.
Today my breasts ache to nurture and overflow.
Today I wonder what God is doing.
Today I just can’t see.
Today my heart is breaking ~ again.

Here are some pictures of some of our tangible memories (the arrow and the necklace). We also have Peace’s beautiful little handmade-by-Grandpapa box, which sits in our too-crammed china cabinet cupboard with Covenant’s, Glory’s, and Promise’s. We’ve never buried them. I prefer to see them, and feel like my olive plants are still circling our table.

“Held” ~ by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

Tears for Peace ~ by Mommy

Teardrops fell when I learned you were growing inside,
Teardrops fell when I first saw you -so little- on the screen,
Teardrops fell when your heart beat in beautiful rhythms,
Teardrops fell when you were delivered into my bloody hand.

Teardrops fall because I love you so incredibly much.
Teardrops fall because you are gone from our home and our arms.
Teardrops fall because your brother is lonely.
Teardrops fall because Mommy and Daddy miss you so extremely.
Teardrops fall because you are our precious, beloved baby ~ but you are so far away.

Each day I feel farther away from you,
Farther from holding you in my belly~
It burns me from the inside out.
But each day I am closer to you,
Closer to when I can join you in Paradise
And enjoy an eternity together without tears.

No matter where I go,
No matter what I do,
I miss you every single moment~
Heartache and emptiness and tears.

My love for you remains,
It always and forever will.
My sweet baby Peace,
We will meet again.
With tears of joy instead of pain.

~I love you, baby dear, and I miss you so much~

Posted on

Thursday December 3, 2009

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS
but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A husband that loses his wife is a widower.
A wife who loses her husband is a widow.
However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.
For there is no word to describe such pain.

–Author Unknown

Posted on

Wednesday December 2, 2009

I casually ordered a book online recently — it was one of those times on amazon.com when I wasn’t quite at the $25 mark, and wanted to reach it in order to have free shipping. Anyway… so I (almost haphazardly) added one more book to my cart before checking out.
It was this book.

The One Year Book of Hope
by Nancy Guthrie

It’s been sitting on my desk for a few days now, and I was considering saving it for January, when I could actually use it as a daily read for 2010; you know, since it’s organized into a “one year” format.
But today I decided that I needed to crack open its cover.
Today I needed to know that hope still exists.
Because some moments, I just don’t see it.

On one of the first pages, there is simply this quote:

Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it.
If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end:
if you look for comfort you will not et either comfort or truth–
only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Then I read the “Acknowledgments” page — that’s when the tears began.
I took off my glasses, wiped my cheeks with my sleeve, took a sip of tea, and turned the page.

Two sentences into the “Introduction,” I lost it again. Something about the phrase “loss that changed everything about your life in an instant” hit me hard. She gets it. The author gets it. It isn’t just one thing in my life. It’s one thing in my life that suddenly, instantaneously changed everything.
She goes on, and another phrase pinpointed reality for me when she mentioned “all the questions that taunt us in the midst of tears and keep us awake in the night.” I’m not sure which is worse — that scenario or the nightmares when I do sleep. But either way, she gets it.

The author shares the story of losing their baby girl due to Zellweger Syndrome. She says, “Though we had shed our share of tears during her life, and while I was hopeful that those tears would lighten my load of grief after her death, it didn’t seem to work that way.” During Peace’s life, I hoped it would work that way too. But nope, it didn’t. She goes on, “It seems to me that most losses aren’t just one loss, but a series of losses. For a while I grieved Hope [her daughter]‘s death. Then I grieved her limited life. Then I grieved our loss of potential.” A series of losses. Oh God, how true.

Later in the “Introduction,” the author explains something her sister-in-law shared with her. When asking how you can get through and deal with the death of such a dearly loved one, her sister-in-law said “‘Manna.’ She explained that just as the children of Israel were dependent on God to provide manna to sustain them every day while they wandered in the wilderness, I had to depend on God to give me the manna I needed every day to sustain me as I grieved my loss… Every day.“

Wow.
Stop crying.
Wipe those tears, Melissa, you’ve gotta keep reading.
Look at the next page.

“Processing pain and embracing its lessons are daily endeavors. Every day we need a little more light to illumine our darkness.”
Oh praise God, I am not alone.
Manna.

~~~~~~~~~~

First lesson, focusing on Psalm 119:28-30. I weep with grief; encourage me by Your Word…
Good sentences: “When we are hurting, it seems like everyone wants to fix us… Well-meaning friends and family tell us what to do and how to feel, only adding to our confusion.” “Oh, the painful thoughts that go through our heads when the hurt is deep!” “God’s Word speaks the truth we are desperate for, even as we weep with grief.” “Honestly, I resent it when someone seems to pat me on the head with a Bible verse in a way that seems to devalue my genuine hurt and dismiss my deep questions.” “The truth is what we need most when the hurt is the deepest.”
The exercise at the end was reading Psalm 119, and writing down what the psalmist asks God for that I also want to ask of God.

Second lesson, focusing on Psalm 56:8. All my sorrows… All my tears… Each one…
Good sentences: “I used to rarely cry, but now tears are always close to the surface, just waiting to be released. It is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored. Letting them out has been the only way to release the pressure of the pain.” “Some see tears not only as a loss of control but also as a lack of faith. It is as if the physical manifestation of tears gives evidence of a spiritual deficiency–that if our faith was big enough… we simply wouldn’t be this sad.” “It is as if we think our grasp of spiritual realities can erase the hurts of being human.” “God does not discount or dismiss your tears.” “He wipes them away.” (Isaiah 25:8) “And Revelation 21:4 tells us that not only will He wipe away tears, He will remove all of the sorrow that caused them.”
The exercise at the end was reading Psalm 56, and writing a list of what David determined to do despite & through his tears.

~~~~~~~~~~

So that’s my new book.
It’s my new lifeline, I think, really.
I made it through the first two devotional pages/meditations. The pages are already getting dimpled with salty tears, and covered in blue ink from my ready pen.

If you know someone who is grieving — I think I can safely say (although officially only on page 3), that you need to give them this book.
Pray that God would use this book in my life, that He would renew my hope, and that I would have the courage to continue reading.