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Monday November 30, 2009

We had such a good celebration of Steven’s birthday (Erin, I always forget that our hubby’s share the birthday), rejoicing in God’s goodness to us in giving Steven another year of life to serve God & be in our family. We are thankful!!

We decorated our house the day before Steven’s birthday, and when Gabriel woke up from his nap he was so surprised to see the pretty tree. He loves it!! And he is so good about not touching it.
 
Playing outside in a new hat Grandmama just knit for him!

For Steven’s surprise birthday date, we went together to see The Lion King musical!! We just adored it! Steven was very surprised (thanks Mama and Daddy!). I’ve never seen such an incredible production before. If you have any opportunity, you have to go see it. Seriously.
 
 
We went out for a great meal at a local steakhouse we love. We shared a delicious bottle of French red wine; we both had caesar salad; Steven had (of course) a delicious steak with a goat cheese & sundried tomato butter; I had a grilled pork porterhouse with autumn seasonings (that I can’t recall, lol); and we shared the complimentary birthday creme brulle. SO GOOD!!! We had a delightful time. Loved it.
 
Before dinner at Steven’s family birthday party on Sunday.

Fresh, homemade pasta!!!

Gabriel was so intrigued by Grandpapa’s electric knife.

Dinner was lovely. Not only delicious, but fun. The twins even sat at the table with us all for the first time! Steven ordered seafood fettuccini alfredo, bread with pesto butter, caesar salad, and tirimisu cheesecake — he was incredibly pleased.
   
 
Okay, so this is what these two love to do now! Dilly adores being pushed in the cart, and Gabriel loves to push it! It cracks me up. Dilly even lies down sometimes and almost falls asleep.

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Monday November 30, 2009

I asked, “Gabriel, where is the fire?” and he pointed and said something in Gabrielese. lol.

This is my *favorite* new picture. Too bad it’s kinda grainy. Otherwise, I love it.

Going to cut our Christmas tree…

Lost the boots so needed to be carried…

What a happy boy! He loves adventures…

Success!

Making mashed potatoes.

Foooooood.

He almost cleaned his plate — he loved everything!

yummy dessert

we made it through Thanksgiving. and look! smiles. 🙂

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Friday November 27, 2009

Job is not a short book.
At the beginning there is tragedy.
At the end there is restoration.
But what is the rest of the book??

Grief.
Despair.
Questions.
Discussion.
Lament.
Dust.
Ashes.
Honesty.
Dealing with friends (well meaning –sure– but let’s admit it — stupid & untimely)
Praying.
Wrestling with God.

So what does that tell us?
I’m not really going to answer that question.
But think about it.

Our pastor has been preaching about trial the last couple of weeks.
People seem to think that we’re in the position right now where we need encouragement to be happy in trials, to rejoice in all things, to smile through tribulation, to be thankful for the refining fire — yes, these are things that people say. Not infrequently.
These are like Job’s counselors.

There is a definite difference between joy and happiness.
We can be joyful without being happy.
People don’t seem to get that.
Joy comes from who we are in Christ — it ultimately is unshakable.
Happiness, though? That’s more circumstantial. (And, no, it is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit.)
Get off my back.

People think we are sad and frustrated — which we are.
But they think it ends there.
It doesn’t.
In fact, it doesn’t even begin there.

Maybe in a month or two we will be only “sad & frustrated.”
Maybe in time we will be only “in a trial.”
But right now?
It begins with grief.
G-r-i-e-v-i-n-g is not fun.
It is not lovely.
And it is not a quick process, unfortunately.

We are in the midst of it, as Job was.

Eventually, the grieving process ties itself up, by God’s sovereignty & grace.
Eventually, we will be able to focus less on grief and more on physical trials.
And eventually, I will even be able to fall asleep without crying for an hour.

But right now?

We’re past the beginning of Job — the tragedy has occurred.
But we’re yet far from the end — the restoration is somewhere beyond what I can see.
We’re in the middle.
The midst.
The ugly parts.
Wading through waist-deep mud.
No.
Neck-deep.

And I am praying for the hope and faith to believe that restoration will be at the end.

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Thursday November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving morning.
I am a mix of emotions today.
We had thought our arms would be full with a tiny, wiggly newborn for Thanksgiving this year.
And then, after that dream was crushed, we thought (twice!) that at least my belly would be full.
Crush.
Crush.
As I sit here, thinking about thankfulness — about wanting to be thankful, about being thankful, about what I am thankful for — I am simultaneously fighting unthankfulness.

(rhetorical questions to follow–do not answer!)
How can I be thankful for four empty seats around our family table?
How can I be thankful for four tiny wooden caskets?
How can I be thankful when the very desire God gave us is threatened?
How can I be thankful when I feel abandoned by my God?
How can I be thankful when my faith is only the size of a mustard seed?

Oh wait.
That’s it.
Luke 17:6 and Matthew 17:20.
I am THANKFUL that my faith does not need to be bigger than a mustard seed today!!!

Come, ye thankful people, come, raise the song of harvest home;
All is safely gathered in, ere the winter storms begin.
God our Maker doth provide for our wants to be supplied;
Come to God’s own temple, come, raise the song of harvest home.

All the world is God’s own field, fruit unto His praise to yield;
Wheat and tares together sown unto joy or sorrow grown.
First the blade and then the ear, then the full corn shall appear;
Lord of harvest, grant that we wholesome grain and pure may be.

For the Lord our God shall come, and shall take His harvest home;
From His field shall in that day all offenses purge away,
Giving angels charge at last in the fire the tares to cast;
But the fruitful ears to store in His garner evermore.

Even so, Lord, quickly come, bring Thy final harvest home;
Gather Thou Thy people in, free from sorrow, free from sin,
There, forever purified, in Thy garner to abide;
Come, with all Thine angels come, raise the glorious harvest home.

Give thanks to God the Lord; upon His Name now call.
Make known among the people on earth what He has done for all.
Sing praise to Him, now sing; His wondrous acts proclaim.
Rejoice, all you who seek the Lord; come glory in His Name.

Look to the Lord’s great strength; remember all His deeds.
His judgments are in all of the earth; He is the Lord indeed.
His cov’nant e’er will stand; His oath He’ll ne’er forget.
A thousand generations pass; God’s word continues yet.

Sing to the Lord, all earth; His saving power proclaim.
Declare His glory to every race; His marvelous deeds now name.
For great is God the Lord, most worthy of all praise.
He made the heavens and the earth; fear Him and give Him praise.

Splendor and majesty before the Lord are found.
Both strength and joy with Him do dwell; bring offerings, come bow down.
Ascribe unto the Lord the glory due His Name;
The splendor of His holiness now worship and proclaim.

Let now the heav’ns rejoice; let earth give glad refrain.
The world is ’stablished, ne’er to be moved; tell everyone God reigns!
Now let the sea resound, be jubilant all fields;
The forest trees will sing for joy; earth’s Judge is now revealed.

Give thanks to God the Lord; His goodness now declare.
He saves, delivers from every foe; His love endures fore’er.
Give thanks unto His Name and glory in His praise;
Praise to the God of Israel for everlasting days.

Now thank we all our God,
With heart and hands and voices,
Who wondrous things hath done,
In whom His world rejoices;
Who from our mother’s arms
Hath blessed us on our way
With countless gifts of love,
And still is ours to-day.

O may this bounteous God
Through all our life be near us,
With ever joyful hearts
And blessed peace to cheer us;
And keep us in His grace,
And guide us when perplexed,
And free us from all ills
In this world and the next.

All praise and thanks to God
The Father now be given,
The Son, and Him who reigns,
With Them in highest heaven,
The one eternal God,
Whom earth and heaven adore;
For thus it was, is now,
And shall be evermore.

We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing;
He chastens and hastens His will to make known.
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing.
Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own.

Beside us to guide us, our God with us joining,
Ordaining, maintaining His kingdom divine;
So from the beginning the fight we were winning;
Thou, Lord, were at our side, all glory be Thine!

We all do extol Thee, Thou Leader triumphant,
And pray that Thou still our Defender will be.
Let Thy congregation escape tribulation;
Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free!

With grateful heart my thanks I bring,
Before the great Thy praise I sing;
I worship in Thy holy place
And praise Thee for Thy truth and grace;
For truth and grace together shine
In Thy most holy Word divine.

I cried to Thee and Thou didst save,
Thy Word of grace new courage gave;
The kings of earth shall thank Thee, Lord,
For they have heard Thy wondrous Word;
Yea, they shall come with songs of praise,
For great and glorious are Thy ways.

O Lord, enthroned in glory bright,
Thou reignest in the heavenly height;
The proud in vain Thy favor seek,
But Thou hast mercy for the meek;
Through trouble though my pathway be,
Thou wilt retrieve and strengthen me.

Thou wilt stretch forth Thy mighty arm
To save me when my foes alarm;
The work Thou hast for me begun
Shall by Thy grace be fully done;
Forever mercy dwells with Thee;
O Lord, my Maker, think on me.

Colossians 3:15-16
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom,
singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Psalm 7:17
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to His righteousness,
and I will sing praise to the name of the LORD, the Most High.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
   in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
   and with my song I give thanks to Him.
Psalm 50:23
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
   to one who orders his way rightly
   I will show the salvation of God!
Psalm 95:2
Let us come into His presence with thanksgiving;
   let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise!
Psalm 107:22
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of His deeds in songs of joy!
Psalm 116:17
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
   and call on the name of the LORD.
Psalm 136:1-3
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good,
    for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods,
   for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
   for His steadfast love endures forever.

and a HAPPY THANKSGIVING, to the friends and family for whom we are thankful.

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Friday November 20, 2009

John Donne

 
HOLY SONNETS.

X.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;
For those, whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy picture[s] be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.
Thou’rt slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke ;  why swell’st thou then ?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And Death shall be no more ;  Death, thou shalt die.
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Friday November 20, 2009

These were the three little candles we had lit on October 15th in remembrance of Covenant, Glory, and Promise. Next year there will be another one added for Peace.

In mid-October we spent a day at podunky little town in the center of the state, meeting up with two of Steven’s buddies from “pre wife” life. lol. Abby and Jared. We had a great time hanging out at a random park, and then enjoying the rainless coziness of an awesome cafe.





Eventually the maple tree in our front yard finished dropping most of its leaves, so it was time to rake! Gabriel was thrilled and loved to help Daddy. 🙂




We have been blessed by many beautiful flowers during the pregnancy with Peace, and after the miscarriage. Aren’t these lovely? They have certainly blessed us.
This one was organized by my friend Margaret, from about a dozen families from our church!



This gorgeous vase and rose was from my friend Meggan; it has dried now and sits on the vanity in our room.


From our church family, a lovely bouquet.


From my friend Lisa, I think she said these are Peruvian lilies.


Gorgeous roses from Jaclynn and Samantha, filling my entire kitchen with the scent of roses!
 
On November 14th I was supposed to throw a baby shower at church for my dear friend Elizabeth. I was able to still do all the preparations, shopping, decorating, games, etc — but I did not actually go to host the shower in person. So another mutual friend pinch-hit-hosted for me, and hopefully it all went together well. I sincerely wanted it to be a time of joy and blessing for Elizabeth and her new baby boy (who we finally got to meet this week!). I don’t have any good pictures, but here are some random shots of the cupcakes I made, one of the tables, and the brunch table & gift table. Sorry you can’t get an idea for how fun and cute it was… it was a work in progress when I took these. 🙂 I’m hoping someone took pictures of the shower, because I really want to see how everything turned out! I had a lot of fun putting together the games too… I should tell y’all about them sometime. When I feel like talking baby again.



Here is my gorgeous little boy. We were playing around the house together as usual, and I brought out my camera one day. This is what we got. Plus a lot more of the same. lol.






My grandparents are in town for a while, celebrating not only Thanksgiving but also both their birthdays! (and my hubby’s birthday next week, too) So last Sunday (on Grandpa’s 80th birthday!) we had a little party for the two of them at my parents’ house.
We even brought presents — homemade goodies: soup mix, bread mix, chocolate truffles, and candied pecans.

I don’t know that you can tell by the photos, but Gabriel runs so fast with this toy — he falls down every so often once he gets dizzy, and it’s fairly comical.



The birthday boy relaxing by the fire.

Table decorations.

Smiley little Noah! He thinks Auntie M is craaaaaaazy.

Pretty little Hannah.

On the menu? Grilled surf ‘n’ turf!

Decadent chocolate cake and Baskin Robbins ice cream for dessert.

Birthday wishes!

Showing Great Grandpa his little car-driving-toy

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Monday November 16, 2009

What we have once, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

—Helen Keller

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

—Martin Luther
King Jr.

You held our hands for a fleeting moment, you hold our hearts forever.

—Anonymous

There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.

—Anonymous

Oh, do I miss my babies tonight.
All of them.
I am feeling so empty.
And trying so hard to have hope.
And praying for God to give me faith.

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Thursday November 12, 2009

I am fighting
shame
humiliation
inadequacy
discouragement
feeling unfeminine
feeling so incomplete
ugliness
covetousness
despair

I am rejoicing in
a husband who adores me amidst everything
our son who makes me smile even when I feel like dying
beautiful, fragrant, abundant flowers
an impromptu ice cream date
parents who do -quite literally- anything & everything for us
siblings who leave muffins on our front porch
mutually encouraging other mommies in pain
voicemail and email – so I don’t actually have to respond until I am stronger
the hope of the resurrection
my five children — FIVE

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Tuesday November 10, 2009

Somehow the world keeps spinning and everyone keeps moving forward, even when our world has come to a complete halt.
And so we must keep living, too. Sometimes we don’t know how.
It’s hard even to get out of bed in the morning.
It’s hard to put Gabriel to bed at night, for fear that he too might be called to Heaven before I have the chance to say goodbye & I love you — one last time.
It’s hard to button my jeans, for I wonder if they will ever again be too tight.
It’s hard to eat dinner, for wishing I were puking it up.
It’s hard to take pictures because I want the pictures of Peace’s sonogram not to be getting so distant in the past.
It’s hard to know Thanksgiving is coming up, because Glory “ought” to be born then.
It’s hard to get psyched for Christmas holidays when our spirits feel like anything but feasting and rejoicing.
It’s hard to work, it’s hard to eat, it’s hard to love, it’s hard to breathe.

It’s just HARD.

But it happens.
So we spin too.
And we keep on living.

I am making Christmas gifts (I think I’m done actually) — mostly “jar” gifts, as they are my favorite type. I can’t tell you what’s in them, though, for fear someone may read this who is destined to receive one.
I am done Christmas shopping except for a gift for my mama. I know what I want to get her — I just haven’t done it yet. Soon. She’s done so much for us this year, especially over these last seven or eight weeks. I want it to be “just right” to bless her and return just a pinch of the love back to her that she has so generously and abundantly given to me & my family.
Today, specifically, I am making birthday gifts for my grandparents. They will be visiting from California for a few weeks, and their birthdays are soon — we’re having our family party on Sunday. So I made toffee pecans for Grandpa and chocolate truffles for Grandma. Yes, I’ve been licking spoons and snacking on my “messes” all afternoon. It’s my duty. I can share recipes later if you insist.

So, yes, we are living. By God’s grace and through His sustenance. His sovereignty would have it thus.

And today my body is starting to feel more normal. Less like I just delivered a baby. Which is exactly how the last five days have felt. So although that makes me somewhat sad — it makes Peace Nikonos feel that much farther away from me — I am thankful for it. For physical healing. I know people are praying for that for me.

The mourning, grieving, and emotional/spiritual healing is a much longer process.
But God will carry us through that as well.
He always does.

I’ll try to post some pictures soon of what LIFE looks like.
Bless you.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
[The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.