Recently, I have shared some thoughts about the grief of miscarriage, and I have also shared a couple little snippets about my current parenting & homeschooling endeavors with my living children. But what about the in-between? What about my current pregnancy with a rainbow? (“rainbow” being the term applied to a baby that follows a miscarriage or stillbirth)
I would love to share a few things about this season of my life, which is so varied and so full.
First… the outside.
This is from a month ago
& this is from a week or so ago.
On the outside, perhaps I look like any other pregnant woman.
When I am out & about with my three other children, perhaps I look like a whole host of other mamas.
In my heart, I feel somewhat unique, if not downright unusual.
There is a dichotomy that I face every day when I do something as simple as clothe my pregnant body. I walk a fine line between wanting to look pregnant and wanting to hide my belly. Everyone has a story, but not everyone knows the stories that belong to others. I know the pain that stairstep kids and pregnant bellies can cause to explode in the breast of a grieving, suffering, infertile woman. Thus, there is a part of me that wants to cover up the visual evidence of the child who grows and wiggles and hiccups and thrives beneath my skin. At the same time, I know more than a lot of people just how absolutely miraculous it is that there is a child growing, wiggling, hiccupping, and thriving inside of me!! I don’t take a day of this miracle for granted, and I want to embrace with faith and joy and hope every day that God gives me carrying this little baby inside (and, Lord willing, afterward in my arms). That includes not being ashamed of this gift. It also includes trying to clothe my ever-changing body with some semblance of skill, modesty, and beauty. Finding the balance between hiding and flaunting ~ this may be common to many pregnant women, but the nuances behind the need for this balance are fairly unique for those of us who have struggled to add a baby to our families.
When I see my reflection in a mirror or my shadow on the ground… any time my profile hits my eye… I am taken aback, and catch my breath. I never thought I would see my belly look this way again. The miraculous nature of this is not lost on me. It stuns me every day, it humbles my heart and covers my arms with goosebumps.
This is just the smallest glimpse into the “outside” of my pregnancy. I hope to give you little glimpses about the innerworkings, the things deeper inside my heart, and share a little bit about what it is like to be pregnant not only “with my fourth child” but “for the thirteenth time.”
I would love to let you peek into my windowpane, giving you a small view through the glass as I ride these last few weeks on the roller coaster of being pregnant with a rainbow.
And because you listen to these rules and keep and do them,
the Lord your God will keep with you the covenant
and the steadfast love that he swore to your fathers.
He will love you, bless you, and multiply you.
He will also bless the fruit of your womb
and the fruit of your ground, your grain and your wine and your oil
the increase of your herds and the young of your flock,
in the land that he swore to your fathers to give you.
Deuteronomy 7:12-13
So happy and thankful that God has given you this rainbow baby, this sweet teen, this precious miracle boy! You are so thoughtful in considering others who have lost and struggled to add to their families. You’re not ashamed of this gift and yet you consider how your pregnant belly can affect others; I love how sweet and considerate and humble you are. Thank you for sharing with us and also for sharing the photos; I love seeing you glow, dear friend. 🙂
I have never suffered the pain of miscarriage or loss of a child. I know the sorrow of a grandchild who was taken before time though. As an older woman, I can only encourage you to enjoy these last few weeks of your pregnancy. I know others suffer as you have described when they see children or pregnant women but don’t let that dampen your joy. You can dress appropriately showing your belly without flaunting. The women who are sad because of their situation must come to terms in their own way as you have experienced yourself. The Lord has a purpose for everything even though we don’t always understand. This may sound selfish or hard but from what I know about your losses, I think you should give yourself over to the love all those little movements are bringing to your soul. A successful pregnancy is to be celebrated because it’s truly a miracle. Your thoughtfulness is appreciated by not only your friends who have suffered but by our Lord and will add more jewels in your crown. Relax and enjoy.
I need to clarify an earlier comment. I said a successful pregnancy is a miracle. I meant to say every child that is conceived is a miracle whether the child comes to term or not. For only reasons God knows, he selects some to come to His arms early.
Totally understand (I may expound more in future posts…), and very much appreciate your perspective and kind words. (((hugs)))
I agree that it is absolutely miraculous when the Lord takes two cells and creates human life out of it. And when that results in a living child at the end of a pregnancy, I think that is also a miracle. They are two connected & related things, but it’s totally okay to acknowledge that they are also separate marvelous miracles, because they are each miraculous and wondrous in their own ways. God has so many mercies, doesn’t He?! Wow.
Thank you for understanding. I didn’t want to take away from the babies who can’t make it to term. I have a medical background and after studying the whole process of reproduction it amazes me that the world is populated as much as it is! So much depends on timing and hormones and other factors that seem impossible to put together at the same time to conceive a child and keep the baby viable in the womb. Amazing! The Lord makes it simple for us though.” He weaves us together in our mother’s womb.” Psalm 139: 13 What a beautiful way to describe for us the wonderful miracle He gives us. And in words to which women can relate. It’s just sad, because of a fallen world, many women have to suffer loss. But we have hope in The Lord and His plan.
My two sons are soon to have a birthday this month (36&33) and I will never, ever forget the days I carried them and gave birth to them. At that time natural birth was a big thing and I had no drugs whatsoever. I have to say apart from coming to know The Lord their births were the most incredible days I’ve experienced in my life.
Sorry to ramble on but I’m truly happy for you and your husband on this new miracle in your lives.
“I don’t take a day of this miracle for granted, and I want to embrace with faith and joy and hope every day that God gives me carrying this little baby inside (and, Lord willing, afterward in my arms). That includes not being ashamed of this gift.”
Amen!