Recently, I have shared some thoughts about the grief of miscarriage, and I have also shared a couple little snippets about my current parenting & homeschooling endeavors with my living children. But what about the in-between? What about my current pregnancy with a rainbow? (“rainbow” being the term applied to a baby that follows a miscarriage or stillbirth)
I would love to share a few things about this season of my life, which is so varied and so full.
First… the outside.
This is from a month ago
& this is from a week or so ago.
On the outside, perhaps I look like any other pregnant woman.
When I am out & about with my three other children, perhaps I look like a whole host of other mamas.
In my heart, I feel somewhat unique, if not downright unusual.
There is a dichotomy that I face every day when I do something as simple as clothe my pregnant body. I walk a fine line between wanting to look pregnant and wanting to hide my belly. Everyone has a story, but not everyone knows the stories that belong to others. I know the pain that stairstep kids and pregnant bellies can cause to explode in the breast of a grieving, suffering, infertile woman. Thus, there is a part of me that wants to cover up the visual evidence of the child who grows and wiggles and hiccups and thrives beneath my skin. At the same time, I know more than a lot of people just how absolutely miraculous it is that there is a child growing, wiggling, hiccupping, and thriving inside of me!! I don’t take a day of this miracle for granted, and I want to embrace with faith and joy and hope every day that God gives me carrying this little baby inside (and, Lord willing, afterward in my arms). That includes not being ashamed of this gift. It also includes trying to clothe my ever-changing body with some semblance of skill, modesty, and beauty. Finding the balance between hiding and flaunting ~ this may be common to many pregnant women, but the nuances behind the need for this balance are fairly unique for those of us who have struggled to add a baby to our families.
When I see my reflection in a mirror or my shadow on the ground… any time my profile hits my eye… I am taken aback, and catch my breath. I never thought I would see my belly look this way again. The miraculous nature of this is not lost on me. It stuns me every day, it humbles my heart and covers my arms with goosebumps.
This is just the smallest glimpse into the “outside” of my pregnancy. I hope to give you little glimpses about the innerworkings, the things deeper inside my heart, and share a little bit about what it is like to be pregnant not only “with my fourth child” but “for the thirteenth time.”
I would love to let you peek into my windowpane, giving you a small view through the glass as I ride these last few weeks on the roller coaster of being pregnant with a rainbow.
And because you listen to these rules and keep and do them,
the Lord your God will keep with you the covenant
and the steadfast love that he swore to your fathers.
He will love you, bless you, and multiply you.
He will also bless the fruit of your womb
and the fruit of your ground, your grain and your wine and your oil
the increase of your herds and the young of your flock,
in the land that he swore to your fathers to give you.