Do you ever feel like you have something to say, but you just don’t know how to put it into words?
Like you have this important concept in your head, but are unable to get that articulated in a way that makes sense?
I feel that way.
And usually it is because it’s about something so big, so huge, so central in my life that I feel like if I don’t get it right, if I don’t process it fully from my brain into a way that it gets properly into yours, then it isn’t worth blathering about in the first place…
And for me, that subject is (98% of the time anyway) my children. Specifically, the deaths of my children.
And while I sometimes use the word “miscarriage,” it is rather a misnomer ~ I’ve always said that it’s such a little word for such a monolithic devastation. It is not a medical condition: it is, rather, the death of my child.
So I tend to replace “miscarriage” with that phrase. Because it’s more precise. (You may even notice that I do not have a category or tag called “miscarriage”… which surprises some people!)
Thus, when I read this article this morning, and realized how well Rachel composed her thoughts, and how precisely she put into words the thoughts of my own heart… especially from past years when we would have services hosted by one of our pastors on the sidewalk outside of Planned Parenthood (two times while I was in the first half of my pregnancy with Asher, in fact)… I realized that I just need to ask you to read her words.
I can’t tell you how many times I have started writing on that very subject, and deleted the paragraphs because I just didn’t think I did it adequately. The words that I have wanted to coin for a while, but didn’t know how ~ she did it. May God be glorified, and may eyes be opened.
“that hole in her heart that will one day scab, one day scar, but will never fully heal…”
“What if you didn’t just affirm to the world that all babies are valuable — but you also affirmed to a bereaved mom that HER baby was irreplaceable, and would forever be missed?”
2 Replies to “Putting it into words”
I have a rare moment on my computer and decided to treat myself to some blog catching up. I will be holding you up in my prayers. I read down through your posts through Christmastime. Grieving while caring for those little ones in your presence is very hard. It’s a love-filled-sacrifice too hard to describe quickly. I’m praying our Saviour walks you through the grief and carries you when you need it.
I’ve always been hesitant to call it a “miscarriage” because the term seems so cold or not strong enough for what has really happened. My Mom miscarried her 4th child very early on. In the midst of losing my father, I think it was the lesser grief at the time but I still think about that baby sometimes and wonder who he/she is and can’t wait to meet them in Heaven.
I’m reading Rachel’s words right now and I agree with her wholeheartedly. I know that I often don’t have the right words to say but I do see how losing a baby affects you for the rest of your life. It is losing a family member! And that’s why I think it’s so important to name them and talk about them (as you have and do). When I think of your children, I always think of the total number, not just the 3 here on this earth.
I pray that many will read Rachel’s words and see the Truth about miscarriages and why it’s such a deep, deep wound.