Weeping

Psalm 143:1
Hear my prayer, O LORD;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In Your faithfulness answer me, in Your righteousness!

The ultrasound was so quick. I wanted to beg the doctor to let me just stare at our little baby for a while longer. But he gave me a little picture instead. Our baby had grown a bit. But her heartbeat had stopped. That beautiful flicker just wasn’t there. Sometime in the last couple days, without me even knowing it, Hosanna’s soul was whisked away to heaven by her heavenly Father.

If seven is the number of perfection, I plead with God to not make me endure more than this seventh miscarriage. It is too much to bear.

Too. Much.

I am shattered. Confused. Angry. Empty. Hurting. Broken.

Psalm 31:9
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.

I want to shake my fist at God. I know He is in control. And I know He had the power to grant life to this sweet baby. I know He could have kept that beautiful heart beating strong by a single breath from His mouth. So why does He choose not to? Why does He not intervene? How is this good?

These are rhetorical questions. Please don’t presume to answer them.

James 5:16
The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Proverbs 15:29
The LORD… hears the prayer of the righteous.

1 Peter 3:12
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and His ears are open to their prayer.

These verses have me going cross-eyed. My strength for prayer is waning at the moment. I guess I don’t doubt that He hears us. But, again, I wonder why He answers the way He does. I don’t expect to ever figure it out.

Please, nonetheless, pray for us.

We are thrown back into the throes of grief. Again. Such a familiar (and despised) place for us. Please pray for us as we grieve. And also as we must make unthinkable decisions now. Please, please uphold us before the throne of grace. I feel as though I can not even begin to utter pleas on my own.

20 Replies to “Weeping”

  1. Melissa,

    I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for everything that you are going through and all of the tough decisions that you will have to make. ((((Hugs!))))

    Here is another scripture that spoke to me just now:

    Psalm 13

    1 How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

    2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

    3 Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

    4 Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

    5 But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

    6 I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Kristina

  2. I’m so sorry, Melissa! How I wish you could have looked at your little one just a bit longer. I am so very sorry.

    I am still praying. Many many tears and prayers for you and your husband. I am so sorry.

  3. Ah, Melissa, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you again. My prayers are with you, may God uphold you.

  4. and I came to your site so sure that God had given your baby sweet abundant life…. and now I’m so numb to know that life is gone. I had visions in my head of you holding her in your arms next year but alas it’s not to be.
    I can’t help but be angry too and ask God why.
    I know He is in control and yet sometimes it seems like He isn’t.
    But I pray so hard to believe the truth.

    Last week, the thought crossed my mind that this was your 8th pregnancy and that if God took this baby to Heaven to be with Him that he would have 7 of your babies. I quickly whisked the thought away because I didn’t want to think of any more loss.
    I pray that 7 will be all and God will not let you endure even more loss.

    *hugs*
    Praying mightily for you as never before.
    Praying for healing and strength through the days of darkness of grief.

  5. I weep with you. As I sit hear with tightened throat and tears rolling down my cheeks, I know that nothing that I can say will truly bring comfort to you. I do not have words of experience to offer you; I do not have arms that can reach across the distance to hold you. Although I can, in a small way, share in your grief, I, surrounded by sunshine and vitality, cannot begin to understand or comprehend the darkness of death that encompasses you. Yet I must write. I must try to convey some words that describe the compassion that wells in my heart for you.
    I had prayed so hard for joy to come in your morning, for the sun to burst through the clouds and fill you with more happiness than you can hold. Yet the sun remains hidden.
    This Epiphany, when I sing, “Let Rachel weep for her children lost And Ramah cry at the awful cost,” it won’t be with thoughtless joy and vigor. Seeing your grief somehow enables me to see the immeasurable, terrible horror of it all. Even though members of my family have experienced miscarriages, I’ve never seen them as I do now. It seems strange to thank you for sharing your grief but… now, I can begin to understand the valley that my parents had to go through just before I was conceived. Now I can feel for that sibling of mine that went home to her Father so that I could know my earthly one.
    Praying for you as you go through this terrible darkness.

  6. Oh Melissa, I am tearfully writing this, pleading with God to comfort your heart. I am aching for you today and wish I could wrap my arms around you and share your grief. Our family is praying for yours during this time.

  7. I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been praying for you and your sweet little precious Hosanna baby. Now, as I cry, I continue to pray for you and your family.

  8. Melissa,
    You may not remember me (my maiden name is Atwood) but I knew you when you lived here in Moscow.

    I’m crying for you and pleading with God to bring you comfort. I have just recently had my first baby and can’t even fathom enduring a loss such as yours. Know that your strength is shining so brightly and God is giving you that strength. He is the great Healer and loves you. He writes a story with everyone’s life and in the end what wonderful tales of Love, Faith and Strength they are. Keep holding on and keep praying and He will answer your prayers in His own way and timing. Baby Hosanna is loved and being cared for by her heavenly Father.

    The LORD bless you and keep you;
    The LORD make His face shine upon you,
    And be gracious to you;
    The LORD lift up His countenance upon you,
    And give you peace.

  9. Melissa,
    I had come to your page with prayers, praying “God please give this baby life!” and a moment later “Please comfort Melissa and Steven”…
    Today I read in Isiah, the names of God, and I was reminded that He is the Prince of Peace! praying for peace, for strength, for something to live for to make you want to take another breath when each breath is too hard to take alone.
    Love, hugs and endless prayers!

  10. I have no words for you. Even if I did, I know they could not lift any of this shadow from your life, your heart or your eyes.

    Yet I will bring your case to God. Again and again, until His ears are full of our voices – until He have mercy and bring peace to you. And you, Melissa, must continue to speak to Him, even if every word, every thought, is only confused and hurting and asking Him why. Even if all that comes is formless and void incoherence. Even if it is doubt.

    He is your all.

    I love you.

  11. There are no words, but to repeat all that the others already said.
    We weep with you.
    Not understanding.
    Praying, ” O LORD, have MERCY” on you, on Steven, your grieving hearts and families.
    How can anyone know the depths of your grief?
    Lifting you up in prayers!

  12. Oh Melissa! I’m so sorry for your loss. I know all too well what you’re going through. Hugs.

  13. I clicked here from a link from a friend, and my heart broke when I read this. I have no words to say that seem like they would be the right thing. I only want you to know that I’m holding you up in my prayers before our God. Who even when nothing makes sense, still carries us.

    Love to you from a sister in Christ. Don’t forget you are prayed for.

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