Author: joyfuldomesticity

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Moving In!

We’re making progress! We’re in the house! And I have been able to do a good bit of unpacking. The house will continue to be worked on while we live in it, so it’s definitely a work-in-progress, but we are so thankful to have moved before Baby arrives! Now we are settling in a little at a time, and I am trying to convince myself that it’s actually time to start focusing on Baby. Because I don’t think this next week or so is going to be very slow in passing!

Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement. The Lord’s goodness is so abundant and we are extremely thankful. The beautifully falling snow that keeps layering frosting on all the roads and trees and fields and hills is just one more evidence of His sweet presence. It is the most beautiful thing to wake up in our very own home with a view out the windows that looks like it’s straight from a picture-postcard!

I will update as I can… which will be easier once we have internet at our house. 🙂 In the meantime, this was our first breakfast in our new house together as a family.

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Twelve more hours

In twelve hours, God willing, the U-Haul truck will be sitting in our driveway, ready to be filled with [most of] our earthly possessions! Crazy. Super duper incredibly insanely crazy.

Things are slowly falling into place. While we are “moving” tomorrow, we are not sure when we will be living there. It may be a few days yet, or we may just rush in and stay there right away. We’re playing it a little by ear, you could say. Thankfully my parents are next door and their guest room is all set up for us, so if we need to crash there, we are always welcome. What a blessing that is!

To think that this is our last night here in this house is surreal. I’ve lived here for 6 1/2 years. It’s the only place I have ever lived with my Steven or my Gabriel. It is the only house where all nine of my children have lived. It the house where seven of them have died. I have horrible memories here. And I have fantastically beautiful memories here. It is bittersweet to leave our home here for our new home. I can’t put it into words. As I sit here with bare walls, and rooms filled with boxes, I am reminded that my home is not here on earth. These things are all temporary, transitory. Thanks be to God for giving us homes and material things here on earth to make these temporary homes so enjoyable, so beautiful, so tangible! But also, thanks be to God for giving us the future and the hope of our eternal glorious home with Him and our complete family in heaven!

Here’s a sneak peek at a few rooms in our house today… and hopefully I can update with some “move” pictures soon!

Kitchen, kitchen eating area, stairway (and front door), master bedroom, nursery, guest bath.

And did I mention that there are about 8 inches of snow at our new house right now?!! Just to add to the insanity of this whole process….

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Baby Nine’s Shower of Blessing

On Friday evening, our church family hosted a baby shower to bless us as we anticipate the soon-arrival of our Baby Nine. Besides numerous women & girls from our church family, I had my sweet Gabriel, mama, sister-in-law, and one of my nieces there with me. It was nerve-wracking, honestly, for me ahead of time, thinking about attending a baby shower. For someone who has experienced infertility and/or loss, baby showers are extremely difficult things, almost regardless of the circumstances (if you’ve worn those shoes, you likely know what I mean). So I was very thankful when God gave me showers of blessings there and wiped away many of my nerves replacing them with joy.

Of course, my best friend offered a beautiful prayer of thanks and blessing, and included all nine of my children in the prayer by name (except Baby Nine… she doesn’t know his name yet…) :happytears: and that got the waterworks started… and then my mom did the “word of encouragement” (basically a 5 minute time of encouragement for a mom, tailored for me and my life) where she used Hebrews 12:1-13 as her springboard, talking about my journey, my children, my grief & pain, and the strength God has given me to run the race thus far along with an exhortation to continue resting in His strength to continue running the race He has set before me :happytears:, which got the waterworks going again… and then it was my turn to read some Scriptures & prepared words of thanks. By the time it got to my turn to speak, I was already crying (and so were plenty of other ladies ^_^) so it wasn’t such a big deal to just keep dabbing my eyes and sniffling a wee bit. ;)
I had half a dozen ladies come up to me later thanking me for what I said, and telling me they are so glad God is so honored in our family’s story, and such. I’m thankful that my words were a blessing, and that God enabled me to thank a small portion of people who have walked alongside us and upheld us over the last couple years of grief. God is good, and His mercy endures forever!

As I thought about it, I realized, though, that I need to share my words here as well. So many hundreds (in fact, probably thousands) of families have prayed with us over the last few years of suffering God has brought into our journey, and only a handful of them were present at the shower. But these words need to go far beyond the circle of saints that were with me at Friday’s shower. If you have walked any steps with us on this journey, these words of thanks are for you. If you have prayed with us and for us, this is for you, with sincere and utter thankfulness.

My Thank You Words for Baby Nine’s Shower

 Read Psalm 77:1-14

Read Psalm 78:4, 6, 7

A year plus a few days ago our son Hosanna was our seventh baby born to heaven. A few days later, many of you gathered in the frost on our front lawn for a prayer vigil (and some gathered via distance in their homes to pray). At that time, I never thought I would be HERE—especially not just a year later.

So many of you have walked this long, hard road of grief alongside us. For over four years, actually—but especially for the last 2 ½ solid. THANK YOU.

Grief is so isolating—infertility and miscarriage and death are so isolating—being a bereaved mother is so isolating—so thank you for coming alongside of us, alongside of ME, in recent months and years to weep and mourn and grieve with us. Thank you for praying with us through so many ups and downs, hopes and griefs. And now—I can’t believe I get to thank you for REJOICING with us!

It honestly feels so different to rejoice now after grieving for so long. It feels so different to hope now after despairing. It feels so different to carry life inside of me after having deaths occur inside of me. Thank you for wanting to celebrate and rejoice and glorify God with us because of our youngest son, this little boy, this brother of yours. THANK YOU.

It’s been such a long journey to get to this place (and it certainly isn’t over yet).

Four and a half years of marriage. Nine children—seven of them who live in heaven. Countless medical consultations and ultrasounds and other diagnostic procedures, many hundreds of vials of blood drawn, iv infusions every other week in 2010, four trips to Mexico for medical treatments that aren’t even FDA approved, sixteen+ months of daily injections (as many as three injections every day, but currently just two), a minimum of half a dozen oral medications and supplements every day, billions of tears, prayers, hopes, fears, doubts… One experimental medication cleared for use in treating recurrent miscarriages in the United States in January, which God allowed me to actually start using in January—and one nearly miraculous little life that finally took root in March that God has continued to nurture and grow and bless and prosper ever since.

How many people have prayed for us to have another living child? How many prayers have those countless people each offered on our behalf? The gates of heaven have literally been hammered and bashed by these prayers. God has heard. And He has extended extreme mercies. To us. And to you. He has made us blessed. He has made us happy.

Thank you for being the arms of Christ to us in so many varied situations. Thank you for being warriors with us in prayer. Thank you for seeking to hone your skills of weeping with those who weep. Thank you for jubilantly rejoicing with those who rejoice.

Your efforts in all of these things have not gone unnoticed. We appreciate each of you, and we are confident that your reward in heaven will be great.

This isn’t the end of our journey by any means. But it is a beautiful, even balming, chapter in the midst of what God is speaking in the story of our family’s life. We are thankful—so very thankful—to have you upholding us as we continue seeking God’s wisdom day by day, pursuing His greatest glory in the story He is speaking for us.

We were blessed by many church families in the form of a wonderful carseat for our new baby boy, and I also came home with a couple bags full of new things for Baby Nine: some super darling clothes, blankets, homemade bibs, stuffed animals, organic bath stuff for baby and pampering bath stuff for me, puzzles, a book… it was so surreal to sit there opening presents. I really felt like an imposter, a fake, definitely like I didn’t belong. Even between opening gifts, I kept thinking, “why am I opening these gifts? shouldn’t someone else be doing this?!” It was surreal and odd, but in a good way.

It was so great to see Gabriel participating in the anticipation of his newest baby brother at the shower, and to see just a small portion of people there who have been with us (or at least watching us) on our journey thus far. So while it was nerve-wracking to go to my own shower, it really was a great blessing on so many levels. It blessed me, it blessed others, and the gifts people bestowed on us will certainly bless Baby Nine. God is kind, and I am so thankful for His abundant blessings.

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Paint

So I am a couple weeks behind on posting anything about our new house… but we are still moving at the end of next week! I know: insane, right? 😉

But a couple of weeks ago I did remember to take some pictures of progress, and this is one (okay, two…) of my favorites. Gabriel wanted to help paint his new bedroom, and we documented a wee bit of the process.

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Remembering two of my sons

One year ago yesterday we found out that our sweet son Hosanna died, and it will be a year ago on Tuesday since he left the secret depths of my body.
Two years ago today our adorable little Peace died & was born into my hands, just a few mere hours after we saw his precious heartbeat on an ultrasound.

Yesterday I got together with my best friend to practice singing something we’re doing for a meditation in church on Sunday, and the words were so encouraging, given these anniversaries/reminders. The lyrics remind us that Christ humbled Himself by coming to earth, then living and dying in order to take away the sting of death from His people ~ that JOY is ours completely because He came to abolish the sadness that comes with sin and death.

Anyway, it gave my friend and me an opportunity to talk about my heaven-babies, specifically Peace and Hosanna, because of their anniversaries right now… and I love talking about my children. (in case you’ve never noticed, haha…) And I’m so thankful that God has given me such a sweet friend who loves to talk about them too. :happytears:

So today I remember my sweet Peace Nikonos and Hosanna Praise. Two of the beautiful boys I am eager to be reunited with when I join them on the other side of those glorious heavenly gates. How my heart loves them! This mommy still remembers holding them in my womb, seeing them on ultrasound screens, praying for their lives, mourning for their deaths, and the years of grief mingled with joy as I miss them now but anticipate meeting them again.

Mommy, Daddy, and Big Brother love you two sweet littles forever and deeply... and Little Brother will too once he knows who you are.

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Loving My Boys

Have I mentioned lately how much I cherish, love, and adore this man? He blesses me so much and in so many ways that I can not begin to describe it to you. But my husband has my heart, completely, and I am beyond thankful for the gift that he is to me, our children, and everyone else that we know.

And this big boy? I love him, too, more than I can tell you. His life, his vibrancy, his cleverness, his curiosity, his passion, his tenderness ~ they constantly surprise, encourage, humble, bless, and amaze this mommy.

And how about this tiny boy? I have never so much as even seen his profile, but he already has me wrapped completely around his little fingers (which I do see every week on the ultrasound machine). His life stuns my socks off every morning. Our little Baby Nine is quite the charmer (he has charmed his big brother completely!) and I think God has great plans for him to impact the Kingdom and the world! I can just tell.

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Casting Anxieties

1 Peter 5:6-7

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”

This is something I am praying daily for strength to do. Particularly right now, I have anxieties about the house-building and moving timing, and anxieties about Baby Nine’s life. These are big things in our life and there are big anxieties associated with these big things. But they are not too big for Christ. I am called to cast my anxieties on Him, no matter their size or weight. And why am I called to cast my anxieties on Him? Because He cares for me! HE cares for ME! How incredible is that! My anxieties are not too big for Him, but they also are not too small. He cares about the little details that press upon my heart. Christ is not one to roll His eyes and tell me to get over it: His method is to enfold me in His mercy and carry the weight for me.

I am anxious about how the house is going to come together in under four weeks… but each day, God is showing me things that He is accomplishing out there and reminding me that He is faithful. No matter what gets done, no matter what is left undone: He is faithful and will provide for our needs in all of it.

I am anxious about Baby Nine’s life… in fact, when I was lying awake during the night last night and wasn’t feeling him move, I laid there crying and just asking God to give me the comfort of kicks or wiggles. I still fight fear daily that he will die. When I rolled over and laid on my stomach (which I know he doesn’t like…), he started wiggling, and my tears of anxiety changed to tears of thankfulness as I finally fell back asleep. It is so hard to hold my children with open hands, no matter their age. But these children are HIS, ultimately they do not belong to me at all. I am praying for bigger faith and trust as He cares for these, His children, in whatever ways His providence has ordained as best.

I realize that the life of the Christian is one of daily giving up our anxieties to God and hourly placing ourselves at His feet. As I continue to grow in my knowledge of Him and His character, I want to grow in my faith and ability to cast all my anxieties at His feet and lay all my burdens on His shoulders. May the Father strengthen and enable me for this enormous task of daily Christian-living.

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Bagels

We love bagels, but they’re one of those rare treats in our home. It’s probably a good thing that we don’t have a Noah’s Bagels in our town. 🙂 But the bagel-bug bit me recently, so I decided to make them myself! Oh boy. Delicious. And while they may have been a little bit time-consuming, they were super simple and well worth it. I made a small batch, and did a few plain, a few poppyseed, and a few cinnamon-sugar. I highly recommend trying these. They are chewy and spot-on. Slather on the cream cheese and you’ve got yourself the most mouth-watering bagel treats you could imagine.

BAGELS

Ingredients

  • 4 cups bread flour
  • 2 teaspoons yeast
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1.5 teaspoons salt
  • 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
  • 1.25 – 1.5 cups warm water
  • poppy seeds, sesame seeds or any other toppings

Directions

  1. Combine all the ingredients (except toppings) in a bowl. You want to incorporate all the flour, but your dough will be stiff. Only add the water as needed until the flour is incorporated.
  2. Knead the dough for ten minutes until it is smooth, either in a mixer or by hand.
  3. Cut the dough into 8 balls and let it sit, covered, for about 15 minutes. While this is happening, get a large pot of water boiling (enough so that the bagels won’t touch the bottom while being boiled), with a couple tablespoons of baking soda in the water.
  4. Take each dough ball and roll it into a foot long snake using your hands. Keeping your hand in the middle of the dough snake and use your other hand to bring the two ends together such that the dough is fully wrapped around your hand. Rotate the dough around so that the part where the two ends come together is under your palm. Press down to make the ends come together. (If this doesn’t work, you can also flatten one end, place the other end in it, and then wrap the dough around it to encase one end of the dough in the other.)
  5. You should now have eight balls of dough with a circle in them. Let them rest for about 20 minutes. Preheat the oven to 425 while you wait, and grease a cookie sheet  so that the bagels don’t stick to it.
  6. Once your water is at a persistent boil, place a few bagels in the water (you don’t want them crowded). Boil on each side for about 1 minute.
  7. Take the bagels out of the water (use a spatula or something, as they are obviously very hot.) If you are using poppy seed, sesame seed or any other topping, sprinkle some onto the bagel on each side. Alternatively, you can lay some on a plate and press the bagel into it.
  8. Once all the bagels have been boiled, place them on the cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes on each side.  If your bagels are too puffy after the first side cooks, flip them over so that the cooked side is pointing up, and flatten them using the head of a spatula.
  9. Let the bagels cool, and enjoy with cream cheese or your other favorite spreads/toppings.

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Anticipating Heaven

Today I am anticipating so many things. Finishing some things on our house. Moving day. Baby Nine’s arrival. Heaven.

Wait a second, did you read that right? Yes, indeed: you did. I said heaven.

I suppose heaven is something that most Christians would say they anticipate, but today I am anticipating it in a particular way. It’s October 15th again. That’s the day for national remembrance of pregnancy/infant loss. Last year, Gabriel and I did some special, tangible things to remember his brothers and sisters, including letting balloons float away up into the sky in their memory. If you remember, though, unfortunately the bunch of balloons was blown into our neighbor’s super tall pine tree in their backyard! Oops! So umm… while some of the balloons have slowly escaped the branches and fallen to the ground, there are still at least two left up there. So yeah… we decided not to do the same thing this year. Maybe next year the boys and I will let balloons go from the vast expanse of our own pasture. Away from trees. 🙂

This year I am being low-key about things. I will light seven candles this evening to reflect a tiny spark of the glorious beauty our seven “heaven babies” are enjoying, and to remind us of the brightness & joy each of them have brought to our family. And besides that, I am simply anticipating. Anticipating with curiosity as well as great joy.

There are many things I anticipate about heaven. No more tears, no more sorrow, no more grief, no more pain (Revelation 21:4). Rejoicing and praising our Father forever alongside our Brother Jesus Christ (Psalm 11:4 and Psalm 103:19). Joining the ranks of all the saints who have gone before ~ including my seven children.

I don’t know a lot about heaven. Details, I mean. But I trust in the covenant promises of my heavenly Father (Hebrews 9:15), and believe that His faithfulness extends even to a thousand generations (Deuteronomy 7:9 and Psalm 105:8) ~ so one thing of which I am confident, is that I will meet my children again (1 Corinthians 13:12 and Philippians 3:20-21). My little host of redheads are not in my home and will not return to me; but someday I will join them in the mansion created by God the King (John 14:2-3) and I will go to them (2 Samuel 12:23).

So while I anticipate some ordinary things like my new house and some extraordinary things like holding a living baby of my own again soon… I am also anticipating some truly inconceivable things like the glories of heaven. Today I reflect on God’s goodness in sustaining us through long-repetitive grief, His mercy in allowing us to have a bigger covenantal family than we ever imagined, His grace in providing us with covenantal promises to claim, and His gift of hope for our reunion with our beautiful children once He calls to our eternal home with them.

So today I am honoring and remembering my adorable children,

Covenant Hope (July 29, 2007)
Glory Hesed (March 30, 2009)
Promise Anastasis (June 20, 2009)
Peace Nikonos (November 5, 2009)
Mercy Kyrie (January 26, 2010)
Victory Athanasius (May 18, 2010)
Hosanna Praise (November 8, 2010)

and while I continue to grieve the emptiness I feel over their absence in our earthly home, I joyfully anticipate being present with them for eternity in our heavenly home.

Anticipate the glories of heaven with me today!!