Some of the sentences that made my chin quiver and my eyes pour out like little salty fountains:
~”We are those who buried another child, though we prayed against it, and though we hoped, and now the dark is very dark and we are often tired in the very center of our being.” ~”Forgive us for wanting to simply get through to the other side of the anguish, unwilling to sit in the desert and let you wash us off and clothe us and be with us. Forgive us for forgetting our great heritage of suffering and the Cross that stands as the sign and purpose of our mortal lives. Forgive us, Father, for hoping our joy would come cheaply.” ~”Forgive us for keeping our suffering to ourselves, for hiding behind a stoic smile, for selfishly wishing we could be only left alone.”
I am still plugging along with some reading. Not as much as I was before, as I get too easily distracted by my thoughts – and then I end up getting very little out of the reading material, and the pages get too dimpled with salty tears to make it worthwhile. Maybe in another couple of weeks I will get back to books. For now I am mostly sticking with sewing and crafts and movies for distraction. (Yes, I admit that distraction is a great coping mechanism for me right now.) But when I feel strong enough for it, I am still delving page by page into The One Year Book of Hope. It is divided up into themes – five devotionals on each theme, along with an intro, closing meditation, and even guidelines for prayer. While it is difficult, it is wonderful. Bittersweet. Stingingly helpful. Accurately poignant. This week I have been (ironically enough) in the theme of Death. The author, Mrs. Guthrie, says of her own deceased baby “…she no longer needed air to breathe. And I wondered if I was going to be able to.” I can 100% identify with that. There are moments when it physically hurts to inhale & exhale because of my grief. My body is both physical and emotional/spiritual. These aspects are tied in a unique way that only God truly understands. When my heart hurts so deeply, sometimes even my body hurts. Normal bodily functions that I normally don’t think about -like breathing- can become painful and laborious. Mrs. Guthrie also says, “…I’m reminded how natural death is for everyone and yet how completely unnatural it feels.” Yes. Unnatural. It feels foreign. And yet familiar. What an odd dichotomy. Here are some quotes that I identify with and appreciate. I am thankful for this book, and thankful for the Word of God which Mrs. Guthrie weaves throughout. I am thankful that the Lord continues to speak to me and open Himself to me during my grief. He is faithful, and He is good, and He is my Father.
On Death: ~…[D]eath is not the end of the story. ~Death will be defeated. ~Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me. When we are in the fold of God, death is impotent to destroy us. It is depleted of its evil power. The valley where we encounter death is transformed into a place of peaceful comfort; it is in this valley that we are more aware of God’s presence than every before. ~[Of her daughter]: I would like to see her grow. I would like to know her as an adult. But I also know that this life is filled with pain. And I don’t think it is a tragedy that she will have the opportunity to be spared from evil, from the pain of this life, and be in the presence of God. This is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I feel.
On Life: ~I craved the comfort of knowing that… life continues beyond the grave in the presence of God. This confidence was and is the only comfort when you stand at the grave. ~We can turn from God in the lowest moments of life, allowing our offense to alienate us from God until we are out in the cold, devoid of comfort and hope. Or we can turn toward Him, cry out to Him, and place our faith in Him as our sole source for life. ~It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die. ~I understand the pull and pleasure of drawing up the covers in an endeavor to sleep away the pain that comes with loss. ~…[T]his life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God. ~Every life is valuable because God Himself gives life and breath to everything. [Acts 17:24-25, 27-28]
On the “Whys of Suffering: ~So where is God in our suffering? He is redeeming it. ~[E]xperiencing suffering can build up your faith and force you to go deeper with God, or it can crush your spirit and squash your soul’s longing for God.
On 2 Corinthians 12:7-9: ~There was a time in my life when I read God’s response to Paul in this passage as a dismissive pat on the head. Perhaps because I’d so cheapened the significance of God’s grace. Perhaps because I’d heard similar words spoken in a tone that seemed to dismiss the suffering this promise is applied to. Or perhaps I had not believed that God’s grace is up to the task of addressing some of the suffering I see around me. ~It [God’s grace] will be delivered to you in the form and quantity and timing your circumstances require. ~The grace God provides to you is enough for whatever suffering He allows into your life, not just enough to survive but enough to equip you.
On the Holy Spirit/Comforter: ~Significant suffering leaves us with significant questions. ~We want the truth, not just cliches or religious-sounding pat answers. This is when we need the Holy Spirit like no other time, when we’re facing an uncertain future and trying to make sense of it all. ~God reveals Himself to those who earnestly seek Him. ~I think we expressed trust more out of a desire to trust than a confession of the reality in our souls. ~[W]e felt so guilty that so many people were praying for us so diligently when we were so prayerless–partly because it was so difficult to know how to pray. ~When we are weak-willed and weak-minded, when distress has consumed our energy and emotions, the Holy Spirit helps us. ~And when your life if bumped by difficulty, what will come spilling out will be what fills you–an abundance of the Holy Spirit.
The last few weeks we have been asking for prayer that Melissa would be able to miscarry safely and naturally, and for comfort in our grief. We wanted to thank you for your prayers. The Lord has allowed the process to finally take place. In one sense this is relieving and in another it is still heartbreaking for us. Please continue praying that the God of peace would give us comfort in our mourning.
We have been grieving the death of another tiny saint these last few weeks. Grieving is never an easy thing. It feels like it gnaws at our very souls. It isn’t something that can just be cheered up. It is a death. Very real. Very poignant. It reveals that this world is still very badly broken. But we do not grieve and mourn like those without hope. We know that Christ has defeated death and one day we will taste it in full, as our tiny baby does now. We now have five very good reasons to hope in the surety of God’s promise of the resurrection. Even so, you can also pray that we would not fall to temptations of despair, unrighteous anger, or doubt.
In our afflictions, we cry out to God to show mercy. We have named this little saint MercyKyrie, (“Mercy, O Lord!”). Mercy has joined four older siblings in the ranks of the church triumphant. We are confident of this because God’s promises are sure.
Brothers and sisters, please grieve with us. This tiny saint is your brother or sister in the Lord.
“To You I lift up my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He has mercy upon us. Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us!“ -Psalm 123:1-3
S, M, & G (and our little ones in heaven: C, G, P, P, & M)
Psalm 25:6
Remember Your mercy, O LORD, and Your steadfast love, for they have been from of old.
Daniel 9:17-18
Now therefore, O our God, listen to the prayer of Your servant and to his pleas for mercy,
and for Your own sake, O Lord, make Your face to shine upon Your sanctuary, which is desolate.
O my God, incline Your ear and hear.
Open Your eyes and see our desolations…
For we do not present our pleas before You because of our righteousness,
but because of Your great mercy.
Psalm 123:3
Have mercy upon us, O LORD, have mercy upon us, for we have had more than enough of contempt.
Psalm 40:11
As for You, O LORD, You will not restrain Your mercy from me; Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
I love your hands, cloud pugs, pillows. Soft or not, the hands are bossy, going for my hair, nose, ribbon on my blouse—anything they desire the hands grab, to go of course into the mouth with its voracious gums.
There are also your cheeks, soft as dumplings, dimpling when you laugh. I love your laugh, proceeding first from the eyes, then spreading to your mouth in a grin that seems as big as you are—and on to the belly that shakes as you laugh, fat puppy’s belly, plush toy, marshmallow boy…
“Affliction is God striking us, but only as the goldsmith pounds the gold, or as the concert pianist hits the keys.”
“If the metal of a blacksmith being hammered into shape had the pain receptors that humans have, it would not be silent every time the powerful tool crushes it on the anvil. It would cry out every time. It would beg to be delivered. It would be confused. The fire would would have been an unendurable pain, and the hypothermia plunge into the cold water have nearly killed it, but it would still be worked over again by the powerful and knowing blows of the Craftsman. It may be too much right now to see the pattern you are being conformed to, but He always works by one.”
~quotes from my friend Roberta, approximately quoting her pastor Douglas Wilson; emphases mine
We have had an incredibly warm winter. In fact, it feels like we went straight from summer to spring this year, since we were jipped on autumn too. Hm, strange. But anyway, we finally got another skiff of snow this morning! It was probably only our third or fourth snow this season, and it’s already melting completely away at not even 1pm. So much for that. Will we ever get a sledding day this year?? Hmm, maybe not. But it was lovely. I miss snow. I wish we’d get more of it. Although my darling husband doesn’t really miss the shoveling escapades we endured last year, lol.
I’ve been waiting for some more snowfall here so I could share these inspired words with you, again from N.D. Wilson’s “Tilt-A-Whirl“:
Snow is so overused. One sentimental, overly structured ice flake might have some value. But God never seems capable of moderation or of understanding the basic concepts behind supply and demand. He constantly devalues His own products. (p 9)
We all know that each flake is different and unique, because we’ve all been to preschool. Each one is beautiful, yeah, yeah, we know that too. But how can we possibly value these things when their Maker slings them around like so much trash? Actually, I’ve never seen anyone sling this much trash. Doesn’t He realize that people will curse this tomorrow? That they’ll shovel it and salt it and SUV it into gray slop? Does He know that my daughters are going to roll in it, melting thousands of flakes with their flushed cheeks and tens of thousands with their tongues?
Dogs are going to pee on this stuff in the morning. (p 11)
Psalm 139:13-17 “For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!”
It is January 24th, and the annual Sunday set aside to mark “Sanctity of Life.” It was January 22nd, 1973, when Roe versus Wade changed American history. Changed it for the worse. What a tragedy! So this Sunday nearest the anniversary of Roe versus Wade is set aside (since its first Presidential Proclamation in 1984 – text) as a time to focus on the beauty, the miracle, the sanctity of life – of every life – no matter how small; and to pray for the nation to realize its folly, to repent of its murderous sin, and to embrace the lives God gives.
Pastor John Piper has a great-looking set of sermons from Sanctity of Life Sundays – take a listen, if you will.
Please beseech the Lord today with Christians around the nation, for the destruction of Planned Parenthood (and similar organizations), for the softening of hardened hearts & the opening of blinded eyes, and for the obliteration of gestational murder (otherwise commonly referred to softly as ‘abortion’).
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Psalm 34:11 Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Matthew 11:25-26 Jesus declared, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was Your gracious will.”
But I will hope continually and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteous acts, of Your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come; I will remind them of Your righteousness, Yours alone. O God, from my youth You have taught me, and I still proclaim Your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim Your might to another generation, Your power to all those to come. Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things, O God, who is like You? You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.
May God grant me the grace to pray this psalm with a believing heart.
You know how I have made the habit of going through books I’ve enjoyed reading, and typing up some of my favorite quotes and passages from their pages? Well, I’ve decided it’s about time to start sharing another book with you. It will come in spurts, as I feel like sharing pertinent passages. So here are some words to ponder (emphases mine) for today
This world is beautiful but badly broken. St. Paul said that it groans, but I love it even in its groaning… It is full of conflict and darkness like every good story. And like every good story, there will be an ending. I love the world as it is, because I love what it will be. (p 17)
Deaths are as common as births. More common. (p 62)
This is not the best of all possible worlds, but it is the best of all possible ways to the best of all possible worlds—namely, Heaven. (p 80)
To His eyes, you never leave the stage. You do not cease to exist. It is a chapter ending, an act, not the play itself. Look to Him. Walk toward Him. The cocoon is a death, but not a final death. The coffin can be a tragedy, but not for long. There will be butterflies. (p 113)
In the end, when your life is of a different sort, your first flesh will be dust, and of your grief, not one grain of ash will remain. (p 115)
“I will rejoice and be glad in Your steadfast love,
because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the distress of my soul…”
>
This morning we heard another sermon about “joy during trial.” I can’t remember how many times in the last year we have heard sermons (or been sent links to sermons) on this very subject. Of course everyone thinks immediately of us, and how badly we must need to hear these sermons. I’ve been sent cards from loving people at our church following these sermons, where people express their gladness that we were able to hear a sermon about joy during adversity, and they hope it blessed & encouraged us.
That’s all very well and good. Except that I am continually left baffled by these sermons and a few distinct lackings.
For one thing, no one ever defines their terms. They throw around words like “joy,” “happy,” and “rejoice”—but they never define them. What do they really mean? Not just in our modern American understanding of the words—but what about in the biblical context? What do those words mean? And for another thing, they never describe what joy or rejoicing looks like amidst trial. I am convinced that it looks different than joy in times of obvious reprieve. But nobody ever touches that nuance. Why not?
The sermon text today was Hebrews 12:1-2 “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” The point was something to the effect of that we too have a joy set before us, like Christ did, so we should endure whatever crosses our sovereign God brings to us in light of future joys. He also cited 1 Peter 4:13 “But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.” I believe that verse again emphasizes a future joy. We will rejoice and be glad when Christ’s glory is revealed, so therefore we may be thankful for that during our sharing of Christ’s suffering.
I have no grievance with the principle that we should endure trial and affliction in light of future joys, and acknowledging that we will rejoice when Christ’s glory is revealed. But I do have a qualm or two with how it played out.
For instance, when Jesus “endured the cross” and “despised the shame” while He was nailed there, naked and covered in the sins of the world and left by His Father to descend into Hades—was He smiling? Was He singing psalms of praise and adoration? Was He merry and laughing? No, on all accounts. If you remember, Jesus was naked and ashamed, bleeding, gasping for breath, crying, exclaiming out loud a psalm of desperation “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” before He cried His last. This psalm that Jesus cried out, Psalm 22, is a psalm of David when he felt utterly forsaken. Psalm 22:1-2, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” On and on the psalmist goes throughout the psalm, his pain and anguish and desperation for rescue all very evident. Are David and Jesus obeying the command to “rejoice always”? The Lord instructs us, through the words of Paul, to “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
So… back to my point. (What was my point?) 🙂
Joyfulness looks different in times of deep trial and utter anguish than in times of respite and peace. But nobody ever points that out in sermons. I sincerely wish they would.
And what about defining the terms? Well… in our modern culture, joy and happiness are quite often used synonymously. In fact, the dictionary definitions I looked up even showed “joy” and “happy” as synonyms: Joy—the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation; a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; true happiness… Happy—delighted, pleased, or glad; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy; favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky…
If looked at biblically and historically, however, I am fairly certain that we would find a better distinction between the terms. If I had access to my husband’s biblical study tools (or if he had time to look it up for me, maybe… hint, hint…), I could personally look up the original words in Hebrew and Greek to find their true meanings. I did find some links that did it for me! (see below) While happiness is largely circumstantial, joy stems from our relationship with Christ. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Happiness is not. If you’re interested in reading a site I found particularly helpful, you are welcome to click here. One portion from that page that I was particularly interested in said,
Biblical joy is inseparable from our relationship with God and springs from our knowledge and understanding of the purpose of life and the hope of living with God for eternity when there will be joy evermore. If God is actually present in our lives, the joy He experiences can begin in us (Psalm 16:11). Joy is the sign that life has found its purpose, its reason for being! This, too, is a revelation of God, for no one can come to Him and find the purpose of life unless He, by His Spirit, calls him and reveals it (John 6:44; I Corinthians 2:10).
[J]oy as a religious emotion is very frequently referred to in the Old Testament. Religion is conceived of as touching the deepest springs of emotion, including the feeling of exultant gladness which often finds outward expression in such actions as leaping, shouting, and singing. Joy is repeatedly shown to be the natural outcome of fellowship with God.
Paul speaks of joy as one of the fruits of the spirit (Gal 5:22) and of “joy in the Holy Spirit” as an essential mark of the kingdom of God (Rom 14:17). This joy is associated with faith (Phil 1:25), hope (Rom 5:2; 12:12), brotherly fellowship and sympathy (Rom 12:15; 2 Cor 7:13; Phil 2:1 f). To rejoice in the Lord is enjoined as a Christian duty (Phil 3:1; 4:4; compare 2:17 f; 1 Thess 5:16). In Christ, the Christian “rejoices with joy unspeakable and full of glory” (1 Pet 1:8), in spite of his temporary afflictions (1 Pet 1:6). Christian joy is no mere gaiety that knows no gloom, but is the result of the triumph of faith over adverse and trying circumstances, which, instead of hindering, actually enhance it (Acts 5:41; Rom 5:3 f; Jas 1:2,12; 5:11; 1 Pet 4:13; compare Mt 5:11,12).
This is very clearly no mere happiness. This is different. It stems from something different, it feels different, it looks different.
How come this isn’t preached as a distinction? Joy in trial often isn’t defined or described. It’s just preached. It leaves the congregation wondering. Preachers often make it sound like they’re talking about being happy. Smiling. Laughing. Acting like there is no pain. It makes people in trial or anguish, those under affliction, feel like we should be skipping around with smiles and giggles, pretending that our hearts are not broken. Is that biblical truth? Absolutely not.
In my experience, I know the difference. I am frequently not happy. I doubt anyone could honestly (or biblically) hold that against me when I have had five of my six precious children die. I have sent five little redheads into the heavenly kingdom before my 26th birthday, and in only 2 ½ years of marriage. It is devastating. And it gets more tragic with each baby we bid farewell. Grief upon grief. So yes, I am often unhappy in trial.
But I can say with candor and truth that I am simultaneously joyful in trial. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Because I have been baptized into Christ, I have put on Christ, and I am an heir according to the promise (Galatians 3:27-29). And because I do not grieve as one who has no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13), but look forward to reuniting with my entire family someday when I too enter the Lord’s rest.
How is joy during trial evidenced in my own life?? We maintain fellowship with our Lord and Savior. We maintain fellowship with our brothers and sisters (although, yes, the fellowship may look different than usual). Our marriage grows stronger. Our love for Gabriel and passion for discipling him according to Scripture grows deeper. We learn new ways to minister to other suffering people. We better understand Job, David, Paul, and other biblical writers who endured great suffering. etc…
Romans 5:3-5 “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
I think Romans 5 tells us what “joy in trial” should look like. It doesn’t involve skipping. And it doesn’t necessarily involve lollipops, smiles, or giddy games. It does involve endurance, character, hope, and growth in love.
So those are my thoughts. A few of them anyway. Enough for tonight.
