365 days later, I am somehow still shocked that the rainbow has been obscured so profoundly by the storm again. I keep praying for the shadows to fade, for the sunlight to peek through the clouds, for an undeniable rainbow to burst forth.
But not yet.
Will it ever?
I don’t know…
Heritage, my sweet baby girl, today was your first birthday. I thought of you every moment of today. I looked at your pictures, and remembered some of the moments we shared together. I dreamed about heaven, and smile when I think about joining you there. When I was playing harp this evening, I wondered if you were playing a duet with me on a golden harp I could not see or hear. We are celebrating your big sister’s birthday tomorrow, and I will miss you even more. It seems like forever since I held you. And yet when I think about the fact that you moved on from this life to True Life, I feel like the birth pangs were only a moment ago ~ like it isn’t possible that it has been 365 days since I snuggled you in my palm.
I will remember you every day of my life. I love you forever. xo, Mommy
I tried to pray—to put this baby in God’s hands every day, over and over—but on some days all I wanted in the world was to know the future, even if it was terrible. I wanted to peer into my own belly like looking into an aquarium or a crystal ball. What’s happening in there? Who are you, baby? Will we know you, hold you, raise you?
~Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine, p48