365 days later, I am somehow still shocked that the rainbow has been obscured so profoundly by the storm again. I keep praying for the shadows to fade, for the sunlight to peek through the clouds, for an undeniable rainbow to burst forth.
But not yet.
Will it ever?
I don’t know…
Heritage, my sweet baby girl, today was your first birthday. I thought of you every moment of today. I looked at your pictures, and remembered some of the moments we shared together. I dreamed about heaven, and smile when I think about joining you there. When I was playing harp this evening, I wondered if you were playing a duet with me on a golden harp I could not see or hear. We are celebrating your big sister’s birthday tomorrow, and I will miss you even more. It seems like forever since I held you. And yet when I think about the fact that you moved on from this life to True Life, I feel like the birth pangs were only a moment ago ~ like it isn’t possible that it has been 365 days since I snuggled you in my palm.
I will remember you every day of my life. I love you forever. xo, Mommy
I tried to pray—to put this baby in God’s hands every day, over and over—but on some days all I wanted in the world was to know the future, even if it was terrible. I wanted to peer into my own belly like looking into an aquarium or a crystal ball. What’s happening in there? Who are you, baby? Will we know you, hold you, raise you?
~Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine, p48
Hugs, my dear, as you remember, and grieve.
((Hugs)) for you. May God give you comfort as you long to hold your Heritage again.
And Happy 2nd Birthday to Evangeline!