Friday November 27, 2009

Job is not a short book.
At the beginning there is tragedy.
At the end there is restoration.
But what is the rest of the book??

Grief.
Despair.
Questions.
Discussion.
Lament.
Dust.
Ashes.
Honesty.
Dealing with friends (well meaning –sure– but let’s admit it — stupid & untimely)
Praying.
Wrestling with God.

So what does that tell us?
I’m not really going to answer that question.
But think about it.

Our pastor has been preaching about trial the last couple of weeks.
People seem to think that we’re in the position right now where we need encouragement to be happy in trials, to rejoice in all things, to smile through tribulation, to be thankful for the refining fire — yes, these are things that people say. Not infrequently.
These are like Job’s counselors.

There is a definite difference between joy and happiness.
We can be joyful without being happy.
People don’t seem to get that.
Joy comes from who we are in Christ — it ultimately is unshakable.
Happiness, though? That’s more circumstantial. (And, no, it is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit.)
Get off my back.

People think we are sad and frustrated — which we are.
But they think it ends there.
It doesn’t.
In fact, it doesn’t even begin there.

Maybe in a month or two we will be only “sad & frustrated.”
Maybe in time we will be only “in a trial.”
But right now?
It begins with grief.
G-r-i-e-v-i-n-g is not fun.
It is not lovely.
And it is not a quick process, unfortunately.

We are in the midst of it, as Job was.

Eventually, the grieving process ties itself up, by God’s sovereignty & grace.
Eventually, we will be able to focus less on grief and more on physical trials.
And eventually, I will even be able to fall asleep without crying for an hour.

But right now?

We’re past the beginning of Job — the tragedy has occurred.
But we’re yet far from the end — the restoration is somewhere beyond what I can see.
We’re in the middle.
The midst.
The ugly parts.
Wading through waist-deep mud.
No.
Neck-deep.

And I am praying for the hope and faith to believe that restoration will be at the end.

Thursday November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving morning.
I am a mix of emotions today.
We had thought our arms would be full with a tiny, wiggly newborn for Thanksgiving this year.
And then, after that dream was crushed, we thought (twice!) that at least my belly would be full.
Crush.
Crush.
As I sit here, thinking about thankfulness — about wanting to be thankful, about being thankful, about what I am thankful for — I am simultaneously fighting unthankfulness.

(rhetorical questions to follow–do not answer!)
How can I be thankful for four empty seats around our family table?
How can I be thankful for four tiny wooden caskets?
How can I be thankful when the very desire God gave us is threatened?
How can I be thankful when I feel abandoned by my God?
How can I be thankful when my faith is only the size of a mustard seed?

Oh wait.
That’s it.
Luke 17:6 and Matthew 17:20.
I am THANKFUL that my faith does not need to be bigger than a mustard seed today!!!


Come, ye thankful people, come, raise the song of harvest home;
All is safely gathered in, ere the winter storms begin.
God our Maker doth provide for our wants to be supplied;
Come to God’s own temple, come, raise the song of harvest home.

All the world is God’s own field, fruit unto His praise to yield;
Wheat and tares together sown unto joy or sorrow grown.
First the blade and then the ear, then the full corn shall appear;
Lord of harvest, grant that we wholesome grain and pure may be.

For the Lord our God shall come, and shall take His harvest home;
From His field shall in that day all offenses purge away,
Giving angels charge at last in the fire the tares to cast;
But the fruitful ears to store in His garner evermore.

Even so, Lord, quickly come, bring Thy final harvest home;
Gather Thou Thy people in, free from sorrow, free from sin,
There, forever purified, in Thy garner to abide;
Come, with all Thine angels come, raise the glorious harvest home.


Give thanks to God the Lord; upon His Name now call.
Make known among the people on earth what He has done for all.
Sing praise to Him, now sing; His wondrous acts proclaim.
Rejoice, all you who seek the Lord; come glory in His Name.

Look to the Lord’s great strength; remember all His deeds.
His judgments are in all of the earth; He is the Lord indeed.
His cov’nant e’er will stand; His oath He’ll ne’er forget.
A thousand generations pass; God’s word continues yet.

Sing to the Lord, all earth; His saving power proclaim.
Declare His glory to every race; His marvelous deeds now name.
For great is God the Lord, most worthy of all praise.
He made the heavens and the earth; fear Him and give Him praise.

Splendor and majesty before the Lord are found.
Both strength and joy with Him do dwell; bring offerings, come bow down.
Ascribe unto the Lord the glory due His Name;
The splendor of His holiness now worship and proclaim.

Let now the heav’ns rejoice; let earth give glad refrain.
The world is ’stablished, ne’er to be moved; tell everyone God reigns!
Now let the sea resound, be jubilant all fields;
The forest trees will sing for joy; earth’s Judge is now revealed.

Give thanks to God the Lord; His goodness now declare.
He saves, delivers from every foe; His love endures fore’er.
Give thanks unto His Name and glory in His praise;
Praise to the God of Israel for everlasting days.


Now thank we all our God,
With heart and hands and voices,
Who wondrous things hath done,
In whom His world rejoices;
Who from our mother’s arms
Hath blessed us on our way
With countless gifts of love,
And still is ours to-day.

O may this bounteous God
Through all our life be near us,
With ever joyful hearts
And blessed peace to cheer us;
And keep us in His grace,
And guide us when perplexed,
And free us from all ills
In this world and the next.

All praise and thanks to God
The Father now be given,
The Son, and Him who reigns,
With Them in highest heaven,
The one eternal God,
Whom earth and heaven adore;
For thus it was, is now,
And shall be evermore.


We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing;
He chastens and hastens His will to make known.
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing.
Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own.

Beside us to guide us, our God with us joining,
Ordaining, maintaining His kingdom divine;
So from the beginning the fight we were winning;
Thou, Lord, were at our side, all glory be Thine!

We all do extol Thee, Thou Leader triumphant,
And pray that Thou still our Defender will be.
Let Thy congregation escape tribulation;
Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free!


With grateful heart my thanks I bring,
Before the great Thy praise I sing;
I worship in Thy holy place
And praise Thee for Thy truth and grace;
For truth and grace together shine
In Thy most holy Word divine.

I cried to Thee and Thou didst save,
Thy Word of grace new courage gave;
The kings of earth shall thank Thee, Lord,
For they have heard Thy wondrous Word;
Yea, they shall come with songs of praise,
For great and glorious are Thy ways.

O Lord, enthroned in glory bright,
Thou reignest in the heavenly height;
The proud in vain Thy favor seek,
But Thou hast mercy for the meek;
Through trouble though my pathway be,
Thou wilt retrieve and strengthen me.

Thou wilt stretch forth Thy mighty arm
To save me when my foes alarm;
The work Thou hast for me begun
Shall by Thy grace be fully done;
Forever mercy dwells with Thee;
O Lord, my Maker, think on me.


Colossians 3:15-16
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom,
singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Psalm 7:17
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to His righteousness,
and I will sing praise to the name of the LORD, the Most High.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
   in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
   and with my song I give thanks to Him.
Psalm 50:23
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
   to one who orders his way rightly
   I will show the salvation of God!
Psalm 95:2
Let us come into His presence with thanksgiving;
   let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise!
Psalm 107:22
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of His deeds in songs of joy!
Psalm 116:17
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
   and call on the name of the LORD.
Psalm 136:1-3
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good,
    for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods,
   for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
   for His steadfast love endures forever.

and a HAPPY THANKSGIVING, to the friends and family for whom we are thankful.

Friday November 20, 2009

These were the three little candles we had lit on October 15th in remembrance of Covenant, Glory, and Promise. Next year there will be another one added for Peace.

In mid-October we spent a day at podunky little town in the center of the state, meeting up with two of Steven’s buddies from “pre wife” life. lol. Abby and Jared. We had a great time hanging out at a random park, and then enjoying the rainless coziness of an awesome cafe.





Eventually the maple tree in our front yard finished dropping most of its leaves, so it was time to rake! Gabriel was thrilled and loved to help Daddy. 🙂




We have been blessed by many beautiful flowers during the pregnancy with Peace, and after the miscarriage. Aren’t these lovely? They have certainly blessed us.
This one was organized by my friend Margaret, from about a dozen families from our church!



This gorgeous vase and rose was from my friend Meggan; it has dried now and sits on the vanity in our room.


From our church family, a lovely bouquet.


From my friend Lisa, I think she said these are Peruvian lilies.


Gorgeous roses from Jaclynn and Samantha, filling my entire kitchen with the scent of roses!
 
On November 14th I was supposed to throw a baby shower at church for my dear friend Elizabeth. I was able to still do all the preparations, shopping, decorating, games, etc — but I did not actually go to host the shower in person. So another mutual friend pinch-hit-hosted for me, and hopefully it all went together well. I sincerely wanted it to be a time of joy and blessing for Elizabeth and her new baby boy (who we finally got to meet this week!). I don’t have any good pictures, but here are some random shots of the cupcakes I made, one of the tables, and the brunch table & gift table. Sorry you can’t get an idea for how fun and cute it was… it was a work in progress when I took these. 🙂 I’m hoping someone took pictures of the shower, because I really want to see how everything turned out! I had a lot of fun putting together the games too… I should tell y’all about them sometime. When I feel like talking baby again.



Here is my gorgeous little boy. We were playing around the house together as usual, and I brought out my camera one day. This is what we got. Plus a lot more of the same. lol.






My grandparents are in town for a while, celebrating not only Thanksgiving but also both their birthdays! (and my hubby’s birthday next week, too) So last Sunday (on Grandpa’s 80th birthday!) we had a little party for the two of them at my parents’ house.
We even brought presents — homemade goodies: soup mix, bread mix, chocolate truffles, and candied pecans.

I don’t know that you can tell by the photos, but Gabriel runs so fast with this toy — he falls down every so often once he gets dizzy, and it’s fairly comical.



The birthday boy relaxing by the fire.

Table decorations.

Smiley little Noah! He thinks Auntie M is craaaaaaazy.

Pretty little Hannah.

On the menu? Grilled surf ‘n’ turf!

Decadent chocolate cake and Baskin Robbins ice cream for dessert.

Birthday wishes!

Showing Great Grandpa his little car-driving-toy

Monday November 16, 2009

What we have once, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

—Helen Keller

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

—Martin Luther
King Jr.

You held our hands for a fleeting moment, you hold our hearts forever.

—Anonymous

There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.

—Anonymous


Oh, do I miss my babies tonight.
All of them.
I am feeling so empty.
And trying so hard to have hope.
And praying for God to give me faith.

Thursday November 12, 2009

I am fighting
shame
humiliation
inadequacy
discouragement
feeling unfeminine
feeling so incomplete
ugliness
covetousness
despair

I am rejoicing in
a husband who adores me amidst everything
our son who makes me smile even when I feel like dying
beautiful, fragrant, abundant flowers
an impromptu ice cream date
parents who do -quite literally- anything & everything for us
siblings who leave muffins on our front porch
mutually encouraging other mommies in pain
voicemail and email – so I don’t actually have to respond until I am stronger
the hope of the resurrection
my five children — FIVE

Tuesday November 10, 2009

Somehow the world keeps spinning and everyone keeps moving forward, even when our world has come to a complete halt.
And so we must keep living, too. Sometimes we don’t know how.
It’s hard even to get out of bed in the morning.
It’s hard to put Gabriel to bed at night, for fear that he too might be called to Heaven before I have the chance to say goodbye & I love you — one last time.
It’s hard to button my jeans, for I wonder if they will ever again be too tight.
It’s hard to eat dinner, for wishing I were puking it up.
It’s hard to take pictures because I want the pictures of Peace’s sonogram not to be getting so distant in the past.
It’s hard to know Thanksgiving is coming up, because Glory “ought” to be born then.
It’s hard to get psyched for Christmas holidays when our spirits feel like anything but feasting and rejoicing.
It’s hard to work, it’s hard to eat, it’s hard to love, it’s hard to breathe.

It’s just HARD.

But it happens.
So we spin too.
And we keep on living.

I am making Christmas gifts (I think I’m done actually) — mostly “jar” gifts, as they are my favorite type. I can’t tell you what’s in them, though, for fear someone may read this who is destined to receive one.
I am done Christmas shopping except for a gift for my mama. I know what I want to get her — I just haven’t done it yet. Soon. She’s done so much for us this year, especially over these last seven or eight weeks. I want it to be “just right” to bless her and return just a pinch of the love back to her that she has so generously and abundantly given to me & my family.
Today, specifically, I am making birthday gifts for my grandparents. They will be visiting from California for a few weeks, and their birthdays are soon — we’re having our family party on Sunday. So I made toffee pecans for Grandpa and chocolate truffles for Grandma. Yes, I’ve been licking spoons and snacking on my “messes” all afternoon. It’s my duty. I can share recipes later if you insist.

So, yes, we are living. By God’s grace and through His sustenance. His sovereignty would have it thus.

And today my body is starting to feel more normal. Less like I just delivered a baby. Which is exactly how the last five days have felt. So although that makes me somewhat sad — it makes Peace Nikonos feel that much farther away from me — I am thankful for it. For physical healing. I know people are praying for that for me.

The mourning, grieving, and emotional/spiritual healing is a much longer process.
But God will carry us through that as well.
He always does.

I’ll try to post some pictures soon of what LIFE looks like.
Bless you.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
[The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Saturday November 7, 2009

After some thought and discussion, there have been a few amendments & additions to the previous Miscarriage Etiquette. So, should you feel the need or desire to peruse the compiled bullet-points, please read this new edition. Thank you, and may this be a blessing to you and those with whom you come in contact.


 

I compiled the following list from a book I read, some things online, and of course my personal experiences. If you find it helpful, please take it or copy it or use it as needed. And please know that I desire for it to be edifying for you. Not just because you know me, but because you may come into contact with others in the future who suffer from losing their children. I pray that this will enable you to interact kindly and compassionately with such families.

If you are the one suffering miscarriage (or another form of grief — there are many), please feel free to adapt this to yourself, your form of coping, your beliefs, your emotions.

If you are in contact with someone who has suffered miscarriage, please take this with a grain of salt and simply consider whether these might be helpful guidelines/suggestions when you come into contact with that person. Of course I am not implying that everyone could (or should!) do every one of these things for every person they know who miscarries. Use wisdom. Remember that kindness and loving your neighbor is the point.
Also, please remember what “etiquette” means: “conventions to regulate social behavior.” Etiquette is a form of loving your neighbor, living in a Trinitarian way, putting another’s comfort before your own. When you read the following, don’t assume that I am shouting but simply suggesting. What follows is not universal. But then again, you may be surprised to find out just how common my emotions are. Whatever this means to you, I pray that it would be a blessing to you and somehow spread encouragement to those whose lives are affected by losing babies. 


Miscarriage Etiquette

By Melissa C, 2009
Proverbs 25:20

 

·        Don’t say “it’s God’s will.” Please don’t presume to tell me what God wants for me. Many terrible things are God’s will—that doesn’t make them less terrible. Because of God’s love for us, He will turn death around and use it for good, but it is not in itself a blessing.

 

·        Don’t say “it was for the best—there was probably something wrong with your baby.” The fact that something was wrong with the baby—or with me—is what makes me so sad. My baby never even had a chance. Please don’t try to comfort me by pointing that out.

 

·        Don’t say “you can always have another one.” Number one, you do not know our fertility struggles. Don’t presume that I can just have more babies. But more to the point, my baby was not disposable. None of my children are disposable. I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

 

·        Don’t say “be grateful for the children you do have.” If your mother died in a car accident, you would be grieved terribly. The fact that your father may still be alive does not take away the grief over the loss of your mother. Other children do not in any way replace the baby I have lost.

 

·        Don’t say “it was only a miscarriage.” Excuse me, you mean the death of our child?! The only difference between this child and our two year old child is a two year age gap—that’s it. You wouldn’t dare say such a thing if our two year old died. It wasn’t only a miscarriage—it is the death of our child. How hard is that to understand?

 

·        Don’t say “be thankful you lost the baby before you loved it.” I did love my baby. I still do love my baby. Whether I lost the baby just after finding out he existed in my tummy, or after delivering full-term, my heart would be overflowing with love for this baby.

 

·        Don’t say “be thankful you lost the baby before you knew it.” This is far from comforting to a parent who so desperately wanted to spend years knowing this baby. I ached to know my baby.

 

·        Don’t say “isn’t it time you got over this and moved on?” Being stricken with grief is not enjoyable. I wish this had never happened. But it did, and it is now part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline—not mine, most certainly not yours—but the grief in some capacity will always be part of me. Don’t make me feel like I have to ignore my grief just to make you feel better.

 

·        Don’t say “you’ll get to meet the baby in heaven someday.” As true as I believe this is—and I praise God for it—I honestly wanted this baby to bury me in my old age, not to bury my baby in its infancy. Although having this confident hope changes our grief, it does not eliminate our grief.

 

·        Don’t say “I understand how you feel.” Unless you’ve lost children to death, you have no idea how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, remember that everyone experiences grief differently.

 

·        Don’t tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who “had it worse.” The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six or twelve times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories are horrifying and frightening; they leave me sleepless and weeping. Happy ending or not, do not share these stories with me. I have had enough grief and terror and weeping of my own.

 

·        Don’t pretend it didn’t happen and don’t change the subject when I bring it up. If I say “before the baby died” or “when I was pregnant” don’t get scared or clam-up. If I am talking about it, it means I want to. I may need to. Let me. Pretending it didn’t happen will only make me feel utterly alone. Pretending my baby didn’t exist is a falsehood and breaks my heart.

 

·        Don’t say “it’s not your fault.” Whether it’s my fault or not doesn’t make a difference. This tiny little person depended on my womb to nourish and care for him, and apparently I couldn’t do it. For whatever reason. I was supposed to care for her for a lifetime, but couldn’t even carry her for nine months. You can not even imagine how angry and confused I am at my body right now.

 

·        Don’t say “well, maybe you shouldn’t have another baby right now anyway” or “you weren’t too sure about having this baby right now.” I feel so guilty for ever having complained about exhaustion or morning sickness or the financial repercussions of another child. I would give anything in the world to be dead tired and puking up a storm right now. I would go into debt ten times to have my baby back in my tummy.

 

·        Don’t say “it will happen when it’s supposed to” or “look on the bright side” or “here, just take my kids” or “kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be anyway.” This minimizes my grief and mocks my heartache. Scripture says “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda” (Proverbs 25:20). It is repulsive.

 

·        Don’t say “maybe you aren’t meant to have more children” or “you can always adopt” or “what about finding a surrogate?” or “you’re still young, you can try again.” These make me realize that you have no comprehension of my pain, no compassion for our loss, and don’t understand the problem. These answers don’t apply to me. Be sensitive.

 

·        Don’t say “there are plenty of people who are happy without kids or with only one kid” or something like that. You have no idea what our hopes and dreams are, where God is leading us as a family, what size family we feel called to, or why we want (more) children. The fact that some people don’t have children has nothing to do with us. Please respect the fact that we feel called to have a large family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more kids. And the fact that we’ve had babies die does not in any way indicate that our desires are inappropriate. Until the Lord directs us in another direction, don’t assume that you know better than God.

 

·        Don’t say “you shouldn’t be angry.” The Bible does not say that anger at injustice is wrong, but that we shouldn’t sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26). Anger at injustice is a natural stage of the grieving process as a person works out how his or her struggles fit into their relationship with God. I am angry that death is in the world. I am angry that I am a sinner, and therefore am part of the cause of death.

 

·        Don’t gently chide me for not rejoicing in our sorrow. Grieving and mourning are good, godly, and biblical, not to mention necessary. Look it up (it’s everywhere in the psalms), and mourn with us. (Acts 8:2, Romans 12:15, etc.) Yes, we do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13), but we do grieve for our own loss of a beloved child (Acts 20:37-38).

 

·        Don’t constantly remind me that “all things work together for good if you love God.” It is easy enough to quote Romans 8:28 in a trite manner, but remember that Romans 8:26 comes first: “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” I have never felt weaker than when I lose a baby. And sometimes it is even hard to pray. I am thankful that I have the Holy Spirit. Understand that I am weak and relying wholly on God’s strength.

 

·        Don’t say “but you believe in the sovereignty of God.” Yes, I do. I understand that God controls all things. But that does not necessarily imply that death makes me skip around laughing, handing out lollipops to everyone. In God’s sovereignty, resurrection follows death. But it does not mean that death in itself is lovely. Remember what I said to begin with: God allows many terrible things to happen, but that does not mean they are any less terrible.

 

·        Don’t say “oh please don’t cry.” Even Jesus cried when Lazarus was dead. Right before He would raise him up! Let me cry. I need to, more than you can ever imagine. Please weep with me. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15.


·        Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family—not a medical condition.

 

·        Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I am going to be grieving for quite some time. Please remember to treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one.

 

·        Do say “I am so sorry.” Or even “I am so sad for you.” That’s enough. You don’t need to be eloquent. Sometimes what you think may be eloquent or helpful really just digs the wound deeper into my heart.

 

·        Do say “I will pray for you.” But if you say you will, make sure you do.

 

·        Do send flowers or a short note—every acknowledgement like that reminds me that my baby’s life meant something, that my baby was loved.

 

·        Do feel free to offer to bring over a meal or even just a cup of coffee. But don’t be offended if you arrive and I need you to simply drop it off and head home. I might not be able to predict what days will be good and what days will be particularly trying. If I invite you in, please come visit and mourn with me. But if I don’t, please give me a hug, drop off the food, and understand that I will visit with you at some other future time.

 

·        Do refer to my baby as a baby, and use the baby’s name. Please don’t forget that this is a member of our family, not a medical issue that happened on one day. This was a creation who bore the image of our holy God. Do not minimize that.

 

·        Do understand that I may need some time and space. If I don’t respond to phone calls, please don’t resent that. Or if I leave quickly from church. Or if I avoid group activities for a while. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

 

·        Do understand if I do not attend baby showers (or similar activities) for a while. And don’t ask why I can’t come. Please don’t take this personally or resent me for it.

 

·        Do be considerate, and don’t share pregnancy or baby news with me until I ask. It’s not that I can’t be happy for anyone else, it’s simply that every smiling, cooing baby or every glowing round new mommy makes me ache so deep in my heart that I can barely keep from exploding. Please help me keep away from temptation, and protect me from news that would simply enhance my heartache.

 

·        Do understand that church is very emotional for me right now. Remember that our belief that we ascend into heaven during our Lord’s Day worship means that only on Sundays at that time does my family ever really sit and fellowship together as a whole. The rest of the week, only a remnant of my family lives together. If I seem extra emotional during worship, it is because of the solemnity, joy, and sorrow involved in actually having my entire family together.

 

·        Do remember that although I may look okay to you—I may even be smiling and tear-free—there is a good chance that I am still barely able to get myself dressed each day and cry myself to sleep every night. It may be weeks or months before I can go a whole hour without thinking about my barren womb or my dead child. And then we will come upon milestones we would have been reaching: ultrasounds and due dates. Be patient. Understand that my heartache is huge and the healing doesn’t happen overnight.

 

·        Do remember that this was our child, a living and tangible part of our family. While this did include hopes, dreams, plans, and prayers—this also involved flesh and blood. As we look upon our little baby’s eyes, legs, head, heart—we see God’s image portrayed, and we see our image portrayed as well.

 

·        Do consider what grief is and what mourning involves. Refer to Scripture’s examples of dust and ashes, rending of clothing, weeping and wailing—both public and private displays. Never neglect the idea that this is good, necessary, and biblical. Scripture says that there is a time for everything, including weeping and mourning. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”

 

·        Do keep in mind that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to my family and me. The word “miscarriage” is small and easy. But our baby’s death is monolithic and devastating. It takes much time to figure out how to live with it. Please bear with me.

 

·        Do remember that all the above applies to me as the mommy but also to my husband as the daddy. Don’t assume that he is peachy-keen, even when he looks it. Please deal kindly and compassionately with him. Many people assume that men are invincible to grief. They are not. Remember what I said about Jesus weeping over death. In addition to his own grief over the death of his child, my husband takes his wife’s pain upon his shoulders—this is a natural response as a husband works to protect and provide for his wife. Live and interact with him in an understanding way, for his heart is very heavy.

 

·        Do remember that even grandparents of the baby—or siblings, depending on how old they are—grieve for the family member they have lost. Be kind, be sensitive, be helpful, be compassionate. Above all, keep in the forefront of your mind that when you speak with someone who has been touched by miscarriage, they have been touched by death.

 

Here are a few of the many, many websites that discuss biblical grief:

http://www.essortment.com/all/comfortgrief_rsuh.htm

http://net-burst.net/hope/christian_grief.htm

http://www.reformedworship.org/magazine/article.cfm?article_id=1276

http://www.agapeindia.com/steve/spurgeon.htm

http://www.agapeindia.com/steve/earlydays.htm

http://www.pbministries.org/books/pink/Comfort/comfort.htm

http://www.puritansermons.com/spurgeon/spurgeo5.htm

Saturday November 7, 2009

I do not have the wherewithal to post much new right now.
Like Job, before we can continue with life and pour ourselves into worship, we need to grieve — in Scripture this is described by tearing of garments, covering oneself in ashes, weeping in the square, grieving both privately and corporately, etc… So that’s where we are right now. In deep grief; physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Eventually, yes, the Lord will pull us through the grief and into life & worship.
He always provides.
Our mourning is not inconsistent with the Scriptures or with God’s character. It is part of the process.
So please mourn with us and be patient with us, as we appropriately grieve the death of our child.

Remember the etiquette (“regulating social behavior”, which is loving your neighbor) post, not just for me — but for you, your future, your family, your friends. We are not the only family enduring the death of children.
Remember our cries to God for His mercy, and join us in praying for future grace.
Remember our great love for this fifth arrow in our family, our precious Peace Nikonos.
Remember that there are great resources, both Christian and secular, for dealing with the death of children.
Remember that grief is a process; it takes time, it takes mourning.

Remember the broken hearts, remember the crushed dreams, remember the olive plants who are not sitting around our table, remember the parents & grandparents whose arms are empty, remember the process of grief — and pray to God for mercy upon yourself, your family, your future — and, if you would be so kind, for us & ours as well.

We know that our family belongs to Him.
And we trust Him to lead us through this valley of the shadow of death in His perfect timing.
And we pray for His grace to someday, by His enabling power, fill our home with the pitter-patter of many tiny feet, cries in the nighttime, and laughter in the day.

Thank you for being with us through these trials.
It is so much easier to rejoice with those who rejoice —
but we thank God for you, and your willingness to weep with those who weep.
May God return to you double for your kindnesses.

Friday November 6, 2009

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.



Dear brothers and sisters
,

First we want to thank you for lifting our family up in prayer and for being the loving hands of our Heavenly Father to us. It has meant a great deal to us.

Last evening the Lord called our fifth arrow home to glory to enter the Lord’s rest, joining three siblings there.
We now ask that you would mourn with us the loss of Peace Nikonos. The name Nikonos means “of the one who overcomes“. Our little one–as a child of the covenant–has overcome the death imputed to all men through Adam, and has entered into the peace and rest imputed by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ through faith. Praise be to God that death is not the end, but it has been vanquished by Christ. Sin and death no longer have any hold over this precious child. Surely the resurrection is our hope and our peace. And our portion may be found before the throne of Christ.

Please pray with and for us. This loss, the death of our child, is extremely difficult for us to bear. We feel extremely weak in emotions and spirit. Pray that God, our high tower and our refuge, would comfort us. Pray that God would deliver us from the temptation to doubt, fear, despair or become bitter. And pray that the Lord would hear our cry to enable us to serve Him in the raising of children.

May the Lord give strength to His people! May the Lord bless His people with peace!” – Psalm 29:11
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
The one who overcomes will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before my Father and before His angels.” – Revelation 3:5
Behold I am making all things new. … It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who overcomes will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” – Revelation 21:5-7

~thank you

Go on and faint not, something of yours is in heaven,
beside the flesh of your exalted Saviour, and ye go on after your own.
~Samuel Rutherford
They are not lost to you that are laid up in Christ’s treasury in heaven.
At the resurrection
ye shall meet with them:
there they are, sent before but not sent away.
Your Lord loveth you, who is homely to take and give, borrow and lend.

~Samuel Rutherford

Friday November 6, 2009

Our PAIN:

 

Psalm 6:7 My eye wastes away because of grief

Psalm 31:9 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
    my eye is wasted from grief;
   my soul and my body also.

Proverbs 14:13 Even in laughter the heart may ache,
   and the end of joy may be grief.

Jeremiah 8:18 My joy is gone; grief is upon me;
    my heart is sick within me.

Job 30:31 My lyre is turned to mourning,
   and my pipe to the voice of those who weep.

Psalm 38:6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
   all the day I go about mourning.

Psalm 44:19 yet you have broken us in the place of jackals
   and covered us with the shadow of death.

Psalm 55:4 My heart is in anguish within me;
    the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Lamentations 5:15 The joy of our hearts has ceased;
    our dancing has been turned to mourning.

James 4:9 Be wretched and mourn and weep.
    Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.

 

 

Our HOPE:

 

Lamentations 3:32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love

Isaiah 53:4 Surely he has borne our griefs
   and carried our sorrows…

Jeremiah 31:13 Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance,
   and the young men and the old shall be merry.
I will turn their mourning into joy;
   I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

2 Chronicles 25:4 But he did not put their children to death, according to what is written in the Law, in the Book of Moses, where the LORD commanded, “Fathers shall not die because of their children, nor children die because of their fathers, but each one shall die for his own sin.”

Psalm 68:20 Our God is a God of salvation,
    and to GOD, the Lord, belong deliverances from death.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
   is the death of his saints.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.