Thursday November 5, 2009

I don’t know what to write because I don’t want to put the words in concrete.

We don’t understand what happened.
But the baby is gone.
Oh God, help me.
His heart was beating this morning. For pity sake, we saw it with our own eyes!!!!!!
He looked so healthy and beautiful!!
God, why would You DO that?!

And somehow while I was lying down this afternoon, holding him closer than anything, he died.
God, aren’t You LISTENING?!

I know I wanted to hold you in my hands, but not now. Not today.
Oh God, not today.

Our hearts are broken.
Our faith is crushed.
Our strength is gone.
We feel forsaken. Completely.

His little body is so beautiful.
From his little eyes pits to his tiny legs.
He would have been so handsome.
God, why did you take him from our family?! We LOVED this child!

I don’t think I can keep breathing.

Wednesday November 4, 2009

Psalm 39:12-13
“Hear my prayer, O LORD,
   and give ear to my cry;
   hold not Your peace at my tears!
For I am a sojourner with You,
   a guest, like all my fathers.
Look away from me, that I may smile again,
    before I depart and am no more!”

Psalm 29:11
“May the LORD give strength to His people!
   May the LORD bless His people with peace!”

Please pray for us. We are beginning to have physical signs that our baby is no longer living with us, but dancing with siblings in Paradise and praising his Lord with joy.
Please pray that we who are left behind will find peace from God to surpass our understanding as we endure the terrible hours ahead.
Please pray that we will have the courage to press onward through the death of another one of our children.

Friday October 30, 2009

An up and down day.

We saw our baby’s beautiful heartbeat.

But we are told that flutter will soon be gone.

The hormones aren’t going up.

We are at a loss.

We are broken.

Such a long, hard week.

Then little bites of hope.

And now — nothing.



Don’t give up praying.

We can still pray for a miracle.

But ultimately, we need to pray that we would peacefully say:

While the tears stream down my face and my eyes puff up and my chest heaves…

Saturday October 24, 2009

Please, please pray for us.
I can’t even bring myself to write more words right now.
But please pray for us.

Isaiah 59:1
Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save,
   or His ear dull, that it cannot hear.

Thursday October 15, 2009

Today is October 15th, the national Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I remember my babies every day of the year.
But today they are nationally recognized.
Right now I am continuing to learn how to praise our great God and King for their brief lives in my womb.
And also for the grace to praise Him now for their eternal lives in heaven!
My three babies in heaven are more fully alive than we can even imagine! And although I may not fully comprehend the gravity of that right now, I hope that it will be revealed to me when I join them in paradise.

Please remember with me today my first baby Covenant Hope, my third baby Glory Hesed, my fourth baby Promise Anastasis — and praise the Lord with me for His everlasting mercy and indescribable love.

Psalm 33

The Steadfast Love of the LORD

Shout for joy in the LORD, O you righteous!
    Praise befits the upright.
Give thanks to the LORD with the lyre;
   make melody to Him with the harp of ten strings!
Sing to Him a new song;
   play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.

For the word of the LORD is upright,
   and all His work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
    the earth is full of the steadfast love of the LORD.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
   and by the breath of His mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap;
   He puts the deeps in storehouses.

 Let all the earth fear the LORD;
   let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him!
For He spoke, and it came to be;
   He commanded, and it stood firm.

The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
   He frustrates the plans of the peoples.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever,
   the plans of His heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
   the people whom He has chosen as His heritage!

The LORD looks down from heaven;
   He sees all the children of man;
from where He sits enthroned he looks out
   on all the inhabitants of the earth,
He who fashions the hearts of them all
   and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army;
   a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
   and by its great might it cannot rescue.

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
    on those who hope in His steadfast love,
that He may deliver their soul from death
   and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;
   He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in Him,
   because we trust in His holy name.

Let Your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
   even as we hope in You.

“O God I believe that in the darkness Thou art brewing light,
that in the storm-clouds Thou art gathering sunshine,
that in the deep mines Thou art fashioning diamonds,
and in the beds of the sea Thou art making pearls.

I believe that however unfathomable may be Thy designs, yet they have a bottom.
Though it is in the whirlwind and in the storm, Thou hast a way,
and that way is good and righteous altogether.
I would not have thee alter one atom of Thy dispensations, it shall be just as Thou wilt.
I bow before Thee, and I give my ignorance the word to hold its tongue,
and to be silenced while Thy wisdom speaketh words of right.”

~Charles Haddon Spurgeon

One of the hymns that never ever ever fails to make me cry is William Cowper’s “God Moves In A Mysterious Way.” We sing a congregational version of it every so often, and today I found a lovely choral version, complete with lyrics. Click here and share in acknowledging the mysterious gloriousness of our God’s sovereign ways.