Tag: Motherhood

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What is “His best”?

I have an honest confession that I need to make, but it is very difficult to make this confession publicly. I feel like I should be stronger than I am, or at least more joyful even if weak. But the true confession is that I am really struggling to cope and function on the most basic levels, and not give in to overwhelming anxiety. I am now pretty much past all seven of my past miscarriage marker dates (with the exception of one that was a missed miscarriage, and while it took my body a while to actually miscarry, her development had stopped by now)… but because the problems we are facing this time are totally unrelated to my immunological problems that caused all seven of my previous miscarriages, I feel like I am in frightening territory that is completely new, unfamiliar, unknown… and it is so terrifying.

My plethora of medications, thanks be to God, are once again controlling my immunological problems and protecting this baby, allowing my body to nurture him/her! I am SO grateful for that. It makes every pill, every injection, every past hiccup and mountain totally worthwhile. Praise to God alone for providing these things!!

But that does not help with the problem this baby is facing: that of seeming to be outgrowing the gestational sac. I had never even heard of that before, and now I’m too afraid to “research” it online because knowing the level of risk just wouldn’t really help my coping right now.
I’m trying to take it easy, as limited activity was suggested as “it couldn’t hurt and might help.”
I’m also drinking at least a gallon of water a day, again suggested along similar lines; I guess thinking that if my body is super hydrated, maybe the baby would get more amniotic fluid and maybe the sac would grow better…?

It is such a helpless feeling, especially as a mother: to know that I am doing everything I can, yet still feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do.

One thing is for sure: I do NOT know how anyone could cope with such situations without resting in Christ and His sovereignty.

So we are thankful that we are His. We are thankful that this baby is His, and only lent to us. We are thankful that we know with certainty that Little ‘Leven’s days are already numbered, and that the Creator of all things and Sustainer of all creation is the One who not only created but sustains this darling baby.

I definitely find myself living and breathing that C.S. Lewis quote,

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

May God sustain us, and may He grant me the ability to cope little by little because of His great grace, so that I can follow Him with faith and continue doing what He has called me to do as the mother of this beloved child.

This morning as I read a daily devotional snippet by Nancy Guthrie, the Lord spoke to me right where I need a continual reminder today, and I am so thankful that even little things like this can be exhorting even while I sit here trembling, crying, wondering what the future holds:

Joshua 1:9
This is my command ~ be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Walking through life with Me does not mean that there is never any struggle, or that you will never face opposition or difficulty. It means that you can encounter whatever comes without being crippled by fear or depleted by discouragement. Instead, you can know a strength and courage that comes from your settled confidence that I am with you. I am out in front of you, leading you into the abundant life I have promised to give you. I am beside you, speaking words of encouragement and instruction, pointing out potential dangers. I am in you, filling you with My power and conforming you into the image of My dear Son. When I tell you I am with you, I do not mean I am present in a general sense, but in a personal sense. You have My attention and affection. Wherever you go, you can reach out and find Me right beside you.

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Our kids with us

“Godly parenting is a function of becoming more like Jesus in the presence of little ones,
who are also in the process of becoming more like Jesus.”
~Pastor Douglas Wilson, here

“One way you might think of parenting is like the disciple Andrew who first heard the call
to “come and see” Jesus (Jn. 1:39),
who then found his brother Simon and told him,
“We have found the Messiah” (Jn. 1:41).
Our task as parents is to be constantly inviting our kids to come with us,
to “come and see” Jesus, the Messiah, the Holy One of Israel, our Redeemer.”
~Pastor Toby Sumpter, here

Today as each of my four living olive plants require different things of me, I am seeking to hold their hands (well, three sets of hands… one of them is hidden in the womb, whose hands I do not want to reach for another seven months!) and walk together in the path of righteousness.

May God grant me the grace and wisdom to do this with patience and delighted joy!!

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We continue to call on God

For today, the Lord has mercifully granted us the gift of continued life ~ glory be to Him!

And so, while the worries are not dissipated completely for the future (our doctor still seemed very concerned), we are praising the Lord for our growing baby and the strong heartbeat we got to see again today. Thanks be to God! We are also given the gift of continuing to call on God, and beseech from Him the gift of more LIFE. Please pray with us for our beautiful little baby, that God would hear our prayers, along the lines of Jabez:

1 Chronicles 4:10
“Oh, that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my territory,
that Your hand would be with me,
and that You would keep me from evil,
that I may not cause pain!”

May we, as the weeks go on, be privileged to proclaim as Jabez did that “God granted him what he requested.” Amen. Please come before the Father of all mercies and Author of all life with us, to plead with Him for the life of our child! Thank you for sitting with us as we await our good Lord’s pleasure in the days and weeks to come.

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Helpless but not Hopeless

Last week one of my doctors seemed all but despairing over our Little ‘Leven’s precious life.
In two hours, we go back to see what the Lord is doing, knowing that we have no control over the life of our baby.

It feels helpless. I have been floundering back and forth between despair and hope these last five days.
So while I feel helpless and like I’m about to walk myself to the guillotine, I need to not give in to hopelessness.
I need to rely on my faithful God who has lead us through darkness before, has saved us from dire straits in the past, has shown His power in so many ways to us through the years (and particularly in similar situations to this, where lives of our children have been in the scales).
We have seen Him preserve a child we thought unpreservable. But, yes, we have also seen Him take our children into His bosom when we were unaware.

He does all things well. He is not only God of all help, but God of all hope.
I do trust in Him. But sometimes trust looks like closing my eyes, gritting my teeth, clenching my fists, and jumping off a cliff ~ not knowing what will come of the dive.
So as I prepare to trust Him for the cliff-dive that I’m about to take as I step into a doctor’s office again this morning, I seek to meditate not with helplessness or hopelessness, but hoping in Christ alone, on the following verses.

Job11:18
You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

Psalm 25:2-6
In you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.

Psalm 39:7
But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 65:5
You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas,

Psalm 119:116
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Isaiah 40:30-31
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:21-22 
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

 

Please pray with us for the merciful gift of LIFE for this dearly beloved child.

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Little ‘Leven

There is absolutely nothing that you or I can do to guarantee that we will continue to exist.
You aren’t doing anything that makes you be.
We aren’t the Author.
~N.D. Wilson, Death by Living, p72

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Tonight I meditate on this truth, and try to take comfort in it. We got peek at our precious Little ‘Leven today. We saw a gorgeous heartbeat and a completely sweet baby. We don’t know what the future holds for this child, and it is terrifying but I want to rest in the peace of knowing the Author who does all things well… and I want to be thankful that I am not that author.

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Giving them My All

Autumnal delights!!

“…There must be in every centre of humanity one human being upon a larger plan;
one who does not ‘give her best,’
but gives her all.”
~G.K. Chesterton~

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Rejoicing in my toil

Everyone to whom God has given wealth, and possessions, and the power to enjoy them,
and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil ~ this is the gift of God.
For he will not much remember the days of his life
because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.
Ecclesiastes 5:19

“Blessings, like children, are not ethereal and weightless. Sometimes they feel like they come at you like a Kansas hail storm ~ they might leave a welt! But if you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil, God will give you the kind of overwhelming joy that cannot remember the details. Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this. But joy is not giddy. It is not an emotional rush ~ it is what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil. So rejoice in your children. Look them in the eyes and give thanks. You will not even remember the work of all this planting when the harvest of joy overwhelms you.” (Rachel Jankovic, Loving the Little Years p102)

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It’s Impossible… and Impossibly Wonderful!

“The task of parenting is simply impossible.
Any sane look at what is required of parents by God is completely and utterly overwhelming.
This is why the task must be undertaken
in grace, by grace, through grace, and because of grace.”

~Douglas Wilson, My Life for Yours p. 123~

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Mandatory Jammy Day!

This morning when we awoke to a thickly white, crunchy world (frost, not snow! not yet anyway…) and a chilly house, I decided it would be Mandatory Jammy Day. Incidentally, we have never had a day spent in our pajamas here before. Gabriel didn’t quite know how to handle it! It took a wee bit of convincing, hehe. But every time he asked if he could put clothes on ~ or rather, when he asked if he could “at least put on pants and a shirt; not clothes, just pants and a shirt!” ~ I would offer something else fun and distracting to do. Let’s build a blanket fort! Let’s read books in there with a flashlight! Let’s eat boxed mac and cheese for lunch! Let’s bake a cake and you can use the mixer by yourself! Let’s watch a video and eat the M&Ms out of trail mix!

What a day. 🙂 I did actually get some other things done, but for the most part, it was a day spent just having fun with the boys and loving on them in a creative way we had not done before. Here’s some [humbling] picture proof of our Jammy Day for your pure and utter enjoyment.