Tag: Motherhood

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Thoughts from My Heart

This morning over at Held, you can find a post written from my heart. Read it here.

When I was asked to write something for their What Not To Say series, I had a few ideas, but one that pressed more strongly upon my heart of late and stood out among the rest. This is something I continue to struggle with now, as I fight the tendency of people around me to imply that Baby Nine could in any way replace Hosanna, Victory, Mercy, Peace, Promise, or Glory ~ just like Gabriel didn’t replace Covenant when I carried him in my womb. As I say in the short article, death is death, no matter how much life is left in its wake.

May the Lord encourage you today, hold you against His tender Father’s bosom, and sharpen us all as iron against iron.

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Embracing the Moment

This morning, Gabriel begged me to climb back into my bed so he could cuddle with me. How could I say no to that?! So instead of getting up and doing my typing, I embraced the moment of cuddles and lovin’ and chatting with my precious little boy. *happy sigh*

After a minute of quiet snuggling, he looked at me and said, “where are my brothers and sisters?” As my eyes filled with tears that I successfully hid from him in the dim room, I said, “most of them live in heaven; one of them lives in my tummy.” He contemplated that for a moment and then responded, “they live with God.” “Yes, they do.” “I will ask God to bring them back to me, Mommy.” I explained to him that it doesn’t work that way, but that someday God will take Gabriel to live in heaven with Him too, and that’s when he will see those brothers and sisters again.

“I love my brothers and sisters,” he said. I cried silently and said, “so does Mommy. We all love them very much.” “God loves them too,” he told me. “Yes, yes He does.”

Then he wanted to wiggle under the covers, rub my belly, and kiss Baby 9 about half a dozen times. He scooted back up to put his head on the pillow next to mine and said, “I love this baby too. He can come out and play. He’s big now.” I explained that this baby wasn’t big enough yet, and that God would keep this baby in Mommy’s tummy until it was big enough to really come out and play. “God won’t take him to heaven?” he asked. I didn’t really know how to answer that. I can not see the future. I do not know how many days are numbered for this child, any more than I know my own. “We pray that God will not take this baby to heaven for a long time; this baby belongs to Him, but sometimes God shows us His love by allowing a baby to stay on earth. Like He did with you.”

There was some silence. Then the thumb popped out of the mouth again, and my sweet Gabriel said, in very quick succession, “I want to pray for God to keep my baby safe. I want to ask God for brothers and sisters. I like brothers and sisters. I love our baby. I don’t want heaven yet, Mommy. I will pray for God to keep us safe.”

And he did.

And I cried because it was beautiful and pure and honest. :happytears:

So now, much much later than usual, I am finally sitting down to do my typist work. My schedule is off for the day, but oh how thankful I am that I tossed conventionality out the window this morning and embraced the moment to cuddle with my Gabriel, else I would have missed out on that beautiful conversation with that precious saint whose life and words and prayers glorify our Father in heaven.

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Ministering at Home

Something I have long believed in very strongly is that my greatest mission field (at this point in my life especially) is right here on the home-front. In my own home. Amongst my own family. I impact generations by what I do today.

People so often emphasize the mission field or even ministering in your local church that often the enormous ministry of ministering at home is overlooked, or—at the very least—under-emphasized.

I was brought to tears (call it raging hormones if you must) by Rachel Jankovic’s beautiful descriptions and timely encouragement in this arena today as I read an article she guest-posted at Desiring God.
Please click here and read this wonderful source of truth and exhortation.

“At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.”

“Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.”

Amen!! May the Lord mightily equip us in our homes as we share the gospel, effect His Kingdom for generations, and sacrifice our very selves daily for the furthering of His glory.

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Music for Little Saints

Psalm 9:11
“Sing praises to the LORD, who sits enthroned in Zion!
Tell among the peoples His deeds!”

A number of weeks ago I wrote about how I have been trying to incorporate the Small Child’s Catechism into my discipleship of Gabriel. We haven’t added lots of questions yet, but we’ve got a handful & they’re down pat. Gabriel has also turned a corner in suddenly asking all kinds of questions: mostly about God and heaven and respect and obedience… you know, super good stuff that really challenges this mommy to learn how to put big concepts of Truth into phrases and littler concepts that he can understand and absorb.

Anyway… one of my friends pointed out something in a comment on that previous post that I wanted to follow up on. Music is a truly excellent way to work on discipling our little saints. It’s a truth that I have clung to for years! Back when I was a little girl in Sunday School I struggled to memorize the weekly Bible verses. I have never been known for having a good memory, and memorizing passages of Scripture has certainly never come easily for me. But my dad knew precisely how to help: put the words to music, and I could memorize anything. So he, being a very creative dad/guitarist, would come up with tunes for my verses so that I could literally sing them to my teachers. You know, so I could obtain that oh-so-important piece of candy (or whatever the incentive was…) like the rest of the kids.

Memorizing songs has always been the best way for me to memorize anything. Scripture is no exception. It’s still like that for me even today. I know Psalms better than any other book of the Bible because we have spent over a dozen years singing through psalms in The Book of Psalms for Singing and in Cantus Christi. I also can remember all kinds of random pieces of Scripture that my dad put to music when I was little that he would sing with me and for me almost every day of the year (sweet memories). Things like Isaiah 26:3 and John 17.

Psalm 30:4
“Sing praises to the LORD, O you His saints,
and give thanks to His holy name.”

Gabriel has shown a love of, and talent for, music since he was extremely tiny. He comes by it naturally. 🙂 But we have also worked to inculcate a culture of music into our home ~ specifically Christian music. Now, when I was particularly young, I remember singing along with Psalty the Singing Songbook and The Donut Man ~ and yes, I can still sing some of those ones too! 😉 And while there is nothing wrong with them that I can think of, they aren’t necessarily the best. And why would I want my own son, this little saint who has been entrusted to our care, to have anything but the best I can find for him? Of course, obviously, “the best” will be highly subjective and that’s okay too. My job is to train him for the Kingdom to the best of my ability by God’s grace, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. My responsibility is before God. Just like yours is. The Lord gives us each wisdom, He directs each of us, and He provides things for our families ~ so I recognize that what may be best for us may not necessarily be best for you.

Psalm 89:1
“I will sing of the steadfast love of the LORD, forever;
with my mouth I will make known Your faithfulness to all generations.”

Filling up our home and our car with Scripture set to music has been such a blessing for us! How thankful I am that I get Scripture stuck in my head throughout the day. What could be better?! Well, I can top that for you: I am even more thankful that I hear my little boy singing Scripture throughout the day. Ah, the glories of a little saint who loves the Lord and loves His music! Gabriel mostly sings music from the Cantus, since that is what he most often hears his parents sing (at church, family worship, bedtime, etc). He knows the Sanctus, the Gloria Patri, the Lord’s Prayer, God that Madest Earth and Heaven, Holy Holy Holy, Psalm 128… I know there are more but they’re slipping my mind at the moment. All this to say: it is truly glorious and rather humbling to hear these praises streaming from the mouth of a little three year old boy from hour to hour throughout the day. He literally goes to bed singing, wakes up singing, and sings two dozen times in-between. During meals, we often have to remind him that he ought to finish eating before he starts another song. 😉

Psalm 98:4
“Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth;
break forth into joyous song and sing praises!”

Another way that we have recently been saturating our home with Scripture put to music, is by the ABC Bible Memory Verse Songs CD that I reviewed not long ago for a homeschooling magazine. I have been delighted to memorize these, and am eager to see Gabriel start memorizing them more as well.

A longer-standing musical presence in our CD library has been a collection of discs by Jamie Soles. While Gabriel used to prefer the more child-geared CDs like “Fun and Prophets” and “The Way My Story Goes” (which have lots of Bible stories put to music, lists of the kings of Israel, the geneology of Christ, the Apostles’ Creed, the books of the Bible, etc) he has recently shown a bigger fondness for the Scripture-set-to-music discs like “Pure Words” and “Ascending.” These are excellent resources for ways to hide the Word in your heart, saturate your children with words inspired by the Spirit, and fill your home with tasteful music.

A few months ago we were given a CD by Nathan Clark George called “Pull Up A Chair.” Our favorite songs on the disc are the ones that are straight from Scripture, or close to it. But his music is another resource for good music for the whole family; not only the texts but the music as well.

I have heard of other good music resources specifically geared toward kids, such as Songs for Saplings and Seeds Family Worship. I have never yet gotten my hands on any of those discs, but have listened to some clips online and think they might be fairly good as well.

Psalm 104:33
“I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.”

I love having music geared for children, but I am an even bigger fan of having music that is appropriate for the entire family. If I’m going to have a little ditty stuck in my head all day, I don’t want it to be something meaningless and annoying (like Pop Goes The Weasel or The Wheels On The Bus or whatever else we all grew up singing!) when I could have it be wonderful gospel-truths or portions straight from Scripture. Teaching our children how to praise God with their hearts and their words and their songs is such an incredible responsibility, privilege, and joy.
How excellent it is to have good things filling our hearts and flowing out from our mouths ~ not to mention, the hearts and mouths of the littles in our homes.

Psalm 8:1-2
“O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is Your name in all the earth!
You have set Your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
You have established strength because of Your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.”

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Maybe Baby

Since I don’t have the “normal” luxury of saying things like, “we’re having a baby” or “my due date is xxx” or “Gabriel is going to be a big brother again,” there are a lot of “maybe“s and “if“s and “we’ll see“s in my conversations these days.
This reminded me of a poem I wrote when I was pregnant with my little boy, Hosanna, last fall. I don’t know if I ever shared it here or not. I can’t remember. But it feels true again even now. I find myself somewhere in the middle of this poem currently. Knowing that today this baby is alive ~ what an incredible, surprising, stunning thing! One we will never ever take for granted.
But there is still the “maybe” factor, even if it is only because of my history. While Number Nine has given us zero indication that he/she will head to heaven anytime soon, there is always that question for us. There is always the qualifier of “maybe.”
So here I share with you the poem I wrote called “Maybe Baby.”

Maybe Baby
by MJC, October 2010

This might be the month
When I will conceive you in my womb.
Or just as likely, this might not be.
But I cling to the hope of that tiny chance.
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

This two week wait feels endless
As I wait to find out the truth.
Are you there? Are you created?
Or will we begin this circle all over again?
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

I thought I saw two pink lines
But now I just can’t tell.
Going cross-eyed staring at the test,
Nobody else can confirm or deny ~ are you here?
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

Waiting for the lab to ring
To tell us what facts my blood revealed.
Soon I will know if you are here
Inside me, in my womb ~ or not.
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

You’re here! You’re real! Alive!
One hurdle down, a hundred more to go.
Don’t know how long I have you,
Perhaps not long, perhaps many years.
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

I tell myself not to think of milestones:
Don’t let my brain head down that path.
Maternity clothes, kicks, hiccups, waddling…
Will we reach that point together ~ you and me?
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

Will my belly get round, and its button pop out?
Will your brother be able to feel your kicks?
Will you hear your daddy talking to you?
Will we get to kiss you, hold you, raise you?
Maybe, baby; just maybe.

The one thing I know for certain, little one,
Is that you are alive. Amen!
You are an immortal, and we will live forever;
Together for eternity, no matter what earth holds.
Not maybe, baby; not just maybe.

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Mother’s Day 2011

Mother’s Day is always bittersweet for me. It reminds me of the precious children who I anticipate reuniting with in the glories of heaven when my Father calls me home. And it makes me thankful for the son I am blessed to mother here on earth, and the child who inhabits my womb (what a tremendous mercy) even now. And it overwhelms me with gratefulness for the gift of devoted and godly mama, mom-in-law, and grandma who remain with me on the earth. It reminds me of the grandmother who I loved and who I miss.

It reminds me of the beauties of womanhood and the fruitfulness that God blesses us with, even when it is tainted with bitterness. Go to [http://naomiscircle.weebly.com/2/post/2011/05/proverbs-31-for-pregnancy-loss.html] to read my friend Kristi’s take on Proverbs 31, from the angle of a bereaved mother ~ it is beautiful.

And it reminds me that the monotony of every-day living is glorious, thanks to the glorifying work of God. In the very apt words of a dear friend of mine (if she is okay with me sharing her name, I will!),

“Isn’t it amazing that God takes the daily humdrum and drama of living in a family (the never-ending service of washing loads of laundry and cleaning and drying dishes, and wiping faces and sweeping up after small feet, and reminding and re-reminding learning brains in what they need to and need not do, and so many more things that I neglect to mention), and turns it into the glory of growing His kingdom, of building healthy bodies and sound minds and Godly souls for eternity? It is one of the sad paradoxes of our world that so many people think this job is for the lazy, the incompetent or the small-minded, when it is the task that needs the most visionary and quick-minded and hard-working people to do it well!” ~R.J.D.

The Lord is good, my friends. My husband, my son, my baby, my in-laws, some particular friends… God has enabled these people to specifically bless me this weekend, even when my heart could be tempted to be overwhelmed by the bittersweetness, or by anxiety. God is good to give me rest in Him, and to remind me of His continued daily mercies which simply never end. Hallelujah!

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Training a Small Saint

One thing I spend a lot of time praying about is the discipling I do with my Gabriel. Discipline is obviously important and we spend a lot of time praying about that & implementing that also. But discipling is huge. And I don’t want to limit myself to modern evangelical, super-sappy, watered-down versions of teaching my son about Scripture, about God, about his salvation, about the body of Christ, about theology… This child doesn’t need to be fed watered-down milk. This child needs steak! Obviously not an entire steak thrown in front of him, because he doesn’t necessarily know how to properly wield a steak-knife and fork yet on his own. But I will feed him steak. I will help him cut it into pieces appropriately sized for his ingestion. I will instruct him on how to chew it, what swallowing it does, and how it nourishes our bodies. And of course we might occasionally wash it down with a glass of milk, especially if the steak gets a little too chewy or chunky in the throat. I have no problem with that. (I’m using Hebrews 5:12-14 & 1 Cor 3:2 as some inspiration for the metaphor, in case you didn’t pick up on that yet. 😉 )

But my endeavor, my goal, is to bring my son up on the hearty solid food of the Word. On steak and wine. Not on watered down milky psuedo-Scripture and psuedo-theology.

How that will look over time, I can not precisely tell you at this point. It’s a fluid concept. It will grow as he grows and as I grow (and as we grow as a family).

One way that I am striving to instill good theology into my toddler (who is not yet three years old) is by catechizing him. We are using this catechism right now, and Gabriel is quickly learning the answers; and I love having little discussions with him about it, as we chew and swallow and enjoy and are nourished. On a childlike level of real steak and wine. Little bites. Little sips. But truly nourishing, delicious, and delighting.

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Training

I have been busy with training lately.

Proverbs 22:6

“Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

I have the beautiful privilege of training one little boy for life in the eternal kingdom. Life now. And life eternal. What we do now has eternal effects. I am training one child for God. What a privilege! What  a responsibility! What a joy!

Hebrews 12:11

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who have been trained by it.”

Discipline is one of the parts of training. Discipline which goes beyond “the rod.” While the training of discipline is never sweet at the moment, the sweetness that flows afterward from the disciplined soul is stunning, winning, even sparkling.

Psalm 144:1-2

“Blessed be the LORD, my rock,
who trains my hands for war,
and my fingers for battle;
He is my steadfast love and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield and He in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples under me.”

The Lord is also training my little boy, not only through his parents, but through His Spirit directly, through His Word, through His creations. He trains this boy for war and battle in the eternal kingdom. He is the One to whom we cling for love and protection and strength.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable
for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.”

The Word of the Lord is actively training us. Not only our little boy, but us. And why does He train up with His Word, Scripture? So that we may be equipped for every good work. Another reminder of privilege, responsibility, and joy!

Titus 2:4-5

“…train the young women to love their husbands and children,
to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind,
and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

And lest you think I am concentrating more on the training of my son than the training of myself, this passage reminds me to yield myself to the training of older women as they encourage me in all godliness to honor the Lord in all these ways by my thoughts, words, and deeds.

So yes… I have been very busy with training. Administering and acquiring. Bodily and spiritual. Delivered/received in many ways and from many sources. The Lord is good. He is busy here. And we pray that He will make us daily attentive to His guidance as He teaches, admonishes, encourages, uplifts, upholds, sustains, strengthens, challenges, and trains us for life in His eternal kingdom.

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Good Old Quotes

“To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labours, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can imagine how this can exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute.”

~G.K. Chesterton~

“Oh that God would give every mother a vision of the glory and splendor of the work that is given to her when a babe is place in her bosom to be nursed and trained! Could she have but one glimpse in to the future of that life as it reaches on into eternity; could she look into its soul to see its possibilities; could she be made to understand her own personal responsibility for the training of this child, for the development of its life, and for its destiny,–she would see that in all God’s world there is no other work so noble and so worthy of her best powers, and she would commit to no others hands the sacred and holy trust given to her.”

~J.R. Miller~

“Our natural reason looks at marriage and turns up its nose and says, “Alas! Must I rock the baby? Wash its diapers? Make its bed? Smell its stench? Stay at nights with it? Take care of it when it cries? Heal its rashes and sores? And on top of that care for my spouse, provide labor at my trade, take care of this and take care of that? Do this and do that? And endure this and endure that? Why should I make such a prisoner of myself?”

What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful and despised duties in the spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels.

It says, “O God, I confess I am not worthy to rock that little babe or wash its diapers, or to be entrusted with the care of a child and its mother. How is it that I without any merit have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? Oh, how gladly will I do so. Though the duty should be even more insignificant and despised, neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor will distress me for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight.” “

~Martin Luther~

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Love Being A Mother

I love being a mother. Maybe y’all have caught on to that before, haha, but I just like to say it sometimes.
It is one thing I rarely take for granted (although we all fail; I’m a sinner too!), because I realize (more than many) how fragile life is, how precious children are, how quickly & frequently they can be snatched away, and what a gift it is to be the steward of an eternal soul. I love the daily aspects, the long term aspects, the eternal aspects. I love the physical interaction, the emotional relationship, the spiritual guiding. I love that my refrigerator is covered in toddler-art masterpieces. I love that there are toys in my home. I love that sippy cups line one of my cupboards. I love that there is a monitor in my bedroom like an ever-present spy on my little boy. I love that we’ve got a carseat in my car. I love that I get to kiss the boo-boos and wipe the tears. I love that I get to change, rinse, wash, and fold diapers over and over. I love that I have a shadow for everything I do. I love getting kisses, giving kisses, and asking for kisses. I love reading books twelve times in a row. I love asking, explaining, commanding, and repeating. I love forgiving. I love learning humility. I love using a single chocolate chip to reinforce a job well done. I love not being my own and not being alone. I love that I get to learn how to wisely train, discipline, and disciple this small immortal.

I love reading about motherhood. Not only practical, how-to type books; but just reading others’ experiences, their joys, their activities, their accomplishments.

I love talking about mothering. Diapers and discipline, toys and tasks, schedules and soul-nurture, playing and preaching, bathtime and busy hands… I love it all.

I love sharing with bereaved mothers. Sharing my heart, my prayers, my time, my tears, my books, my gifts, my words, my ears, my silence, my shoulder, my Savior. I love talking about my six children in heaven, reminding even myself that they are truly alive, truly blessed, truly mine.

This is who I am.
This is who God made me.
This is who God has given to me.

And as a coda, here is a beautiful tribute on a mother’s work. Now please excuse me while I go joyfully put my hands, body, mouth, words, heart (my everything, really) to task at this good, worthwhile, exercising work.
This work that is worship.