Facing Giants

As I laid awake last night in the darkness, trying to find rest and peace and sleep, all I could think about was giants. I keep thinking about being in Egypt, and how horrible it is to be in a type of Egypt… how peaceful it is to trust that our God is leading us from the familiar chains of Egypt into the unknown but reportedly beautiful Promised Land… and yet how terrifying it is because there seem to be giants standing between us and that place of blessing.

I rolled over and said to Steven, trying not to cry, “I’m scared of the giants.” He reached my hand, and eventually said, “The thing about giants is they’re supposed to be scary and you’re not supposed to be able to fight them by yourself.” He paused, then continued, “The only way to conquer giants is for God to do it for you. Case in point: David and Goliath. The only way to overcome the giants is by faith.” I said, “But I feel like I’ve never seen a giant before, and I feel like I don’t know how to have that faith.” Softly and comfortingly, Steven said, “oh but you have, and you do.”

As I lay there trying to fight an emotional and spiritual battle during the night, I relied on the psalms to hold my thoughts captive: I distinctly recall quietly singing 6, 22, and 40 to myself. How thankful I am that God has given me weapons fit for battle with giants.

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I re-read Numbers 13-14 (and skimmed a lot beyond that too) this morning, thinking about what it was like to be glancing ahead toward Canaan where there was promise of beauty but everything was ultimately unknown… thinking about the temptation to glance backward toward slavery where there was knowledge of pain but everything was familiar, and how even the hard things have a thread of comfort to them when at least you know what you’re enslaved to.

Moses sent some men to spy ahead, to see what was ahead of the people he lead, and told them to “be of good courage and bring some of the fruit of the land” (Numbers 13:20). I want to glance ahead, too, to spy out what lies before me: I want to be of good courage, I want to see that there will be fruitfulness in the place where God is leading me!

What did the men find? Well, for starters, they found grapes, pomegranates, figs (Numbers 13:23) ~ these were signs of fruitfulness, of promise, of blessing. They carried them back with them to show others, and to remind themselves, that there was a tangible reason to be of good courage. God was providing. He would continue to provide. He is faithful.

When the spies came back to Moses and the multitude, they told of the blessings that lay ahead: milk, honey, fruit! But then they reported of fortified cities, of strong peoples, of giants. It seems as though they were saying, “enormous blessing lies ahead of us! But there are giants, and they are terrifying.”

I don’t know about you, but that is something I completely identify with at the moment.

I confidently trust and believe that God has beauty and blessing ahead of me… but in order to receive that from His hand, I have to get past some giants. Some of those giants live in fortified cities. And it is terrifying.
There is part of me that wishes I could simply grasp for the beauty and blessing without having to face the giants ~ and another part of me that cries, “it isn’t worth it! Let me go back to slavery! It might be choking my spirit and drying out my bones, but at least I know what I’m facing there! Don’t make me face unknown terrors! Don’t make me conquer giants in order to obtain the bigger blessing!”

Part of me speaks like Caleb, knowing that by God’s grace and Christ’s equipping strength, “we are well able to overcome it” (Numbers 13:30), but part of me speaks like the weak-kneed men with him, “I seem like a grasshopper in comparison to the giants!”

It isn’t that I want to doubt the Lord, it’s that I am sinful by nature. It isn’t that I have forgotten the past faithfulness and provision of the Lord, it’s that I am sinful by nature. I need to fall on my face as Moses and Aaron did, I need to repent as Joshua and Caleb did, and proclaim by faith, “if the Lord delights in us, He will bring us into this land and give it to us… do not rebel against the Lord… do not fear the people of the land… the Lord is with us, do not fear them…” (Numbers 14:5-9)

Oh that God would give me the faith and humility to say like Moses, “please let the power of the Lord be great as you have promised, saying,‘The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation.’ Please pardon the iniquity of this people, according to the greatness of Your steadfast love, just as You have forgiven this people, from Egypt until now” (Numbers 14:17-19).

May I not grow weary in following the Lord and His commands, may I increase in my desire to obey Him, may my joy be full when His wisdom is what guides me. May I, like Moses, who was not even permitted to enter the Promised Land when all was said and done,

Your eyes have seen what the Lord did… you who held fast to the Lord your God are all alive today. See, I have taught you statutes and rules, as the Lord my God commanded me, that you should do them in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. Keep them and do them, for that will be your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples… For what great nation is there that has a god so near to it as the Lord our God is to us, whenever we call upon Him? And what great nation is there, that has statutes and rules so righteous as all this law that I set before you today? Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children… (Deuteronomy 4:3-9).

This isn’t the last you will hear from me about facing giants ~ rather, it’s the tip of the iceberg, I believe. I see giants before me, and I need to rely on Christ’s strength and God’s faithfulness. Like my husband told me last night, the only way to conquer giants is for God to do it for me, the only way to overcome them is by faith in Him. That’s what I am seeking. May God grant it to me not because I deserve His blessing but because He is near when I call upon Him ~ I want to believe it, see it, claim it, live it, and make it to known to my descendants.

Giants? Yes, there you are, I see you. I may be a grassphopper to you, but God is on my side. Amen.

February 4, 2014February 4, 2014

Grace given to us…

Most of the time, I can not stay curled up in a ball in my bed, alone with my tears… when I went through the majority of my miscarriages in the past, it really wasn’t so hard to spend hours of my day curled up with my tears, because Gabriel either wasn’t around yet, or was so little he was oblivious to Mommy’s pain. At this point, the miracles of life (times THREE, thanks be to God!) around me require my attention, and require me not to give in to a drowning of tears throughout the day. It almost feels like I have to schedule time alone in the bathroom (which comes at a premium anyway, of course) in order to let go of my guard and indulge in tears. I miss my darling baby. I hate that I am empty, when I should be round and full; just a few days ago, there was absolutely no buttoning of my jeans, but suddenly, I can almost button them again without a problem, and I hate that. There are so many dreams that lie shattered around me now, and I don’t have the strength to sweep them up and toss them away. I still want to grasp at those dreams… giving it all up just feels impossible. Last evening I was stopped in my tracks by some pains in my belly, and out of nowhere, I grabbed my belly and thought, “no! Oh God, please don’t let anything be wrong with my baby!” and in another split second, I remembered the awful truth: there ISN’T anything wrong with my baby, because my baby is truly alive in the glories of heaven where there are no more tears, no more sorrows, no more pain. But as for Mommy… I’m left here feeling empty, with nothing but blood and shattered dreams to show for it, with tears and sorrows and pain.

That’s one aspect of my reality.

Then 5pm rolled around…

A friend showed up on my doorstep with a box full of freshly homemade Mexican food ~ enough probably for three dinners for us! She apologized for not calling to tell me she was coming, and the thing is… having her show up like that just oozed Grace.
A few minutes later my darling husband got home from work, and brought in the mail. In that mail was a box containing a bouquet of beautiful lavender flowers from some of our dearest friends who recently moved eight hours away. In that mail were a couple of cards from people who wanted to share their prayers and love and sympathies with us. In that mail was a box packed full to the brim with tangible love: coffee beans, chocolates, notes of sincere Christian love, and gift cards for dinners & lattes ~ a box from people I hardly know, yet who love us with such Christlikeness and such Grace that it brought us to tears and absolutely blew me away.

When someone in the body of Christ is hurting, the rest of the body ought to feel it. And this evening, I was shown, through various gifts that God graced some of His people with, that parts of His body are throbbing with us and for us. Nobody had to tell these people to love on us ~ they just did it. There was no committee organizing these folks to surround us with gifts ~ God urged them to use what gifts they had, and they did it. These things today are added to a couple other cards and flowers we received a few days ago after we found out our baby had died. And once again, we are reminded that the Lord inspires His people to do His work, and that His faithful followers are called to share Grace together not because we have to, but because we love to and long to. Thanks be to God.

Romans 12:6
Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…

Oh, how thankful we are that the Lord our God takes care of His children, and that He uses others of His children in order to be His tangible arms!
Brethren, thank you for blessing us with your gifts that God has given you; the gifts of words of encouragement, the gift of being our prayer warriors, the gifts of hospitality and helping us feed the hungry bellies here in our home, the gifts of beauty as you put flowers on our tables. Thank you for listening to the urging of God to share the grace He has given to you. Thank you for bearing with us in our weakness. Thank you for weeping with those who weep. May the Lord truly bless you and reward you for these sacrifices of grace.

February 3, 2014

Our little girl’s first birthday!

Happy Birthday, beautiful Evangeline! What joy! What good news!

She brings joy and good news to us each day, thanks be to God.
What a year…

Psalm 103:1-5

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

February 1, 2014

First and Last

Yesterday was the first and last time I ever got to hold Heritage in my hands.
It was horribly painful yet terribly sweet at the same time.
I am thankful that God gave us the opportunity to hold our baby, to see those precious arms and legs in their miniscule forms, to see the bright blue eye pits where eyes were being formed ~ to see God’s image on such a small but perfectly formed little human.

Tomorrow we will begin celebrating Evangeline’s first birthday. I remember the first time I ever held her, too. I praise God that He continues to allow me so many sweet times of holding her in my arms. Having her with us does not negate the pain of losing her younger sibling to heaven, but it reminds us that God is faithful ~ and that is the reminder we need right now.

Psalm 77:1-12

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.

January 29, 2014

Heritage Peniel

One thing my husband and I do for each of our babies is give them a name, and my husband writes a beautiful eulogy that we then share with our friends and family. We haven’t (yet) had a memorial service for any of our eight children in heaven, but we plan to someday ~ when we’re done (to the best of our knowledge) having kids. And at that time, I think we will read all of them aloud, and it will be beautiful and bittersweet. For now, I just wanted to share this one last thing we have for our “Little Leven” ~ the baby’s name, meaning, and eulogy. May God be glorified by this, and may we bless Him through our pain.

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Brothers and Sisters,

It is with hearts weighed down by grief and sadness, that we tell you of the passing of our baby from life to death to everlasting life. This baby now joins seven brothers and sisters in the church triumphant, where our treasure is, now all the more, laid up. We know that God is sovereign over all, and that none can fall except he wills it. Our God is a true and faithful God. We eagerly await the resurrection – the putting right of all things – the defeat of death, and the beginning of life eternal.

We have named our baby Heritage Peniel, which means “Inheritance Facing God.” As a child of the covenant, our baby has the right of an heir of God to receive the heritage of seeing God face to face, even as our forefather Jacob. This little one now enjoys in fullness that which we only long for in the shadows, to see God face to face, and to reap the bounteous pleasures of one who has conquered – life forever more.

“I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God, and he will be my son.” (Revelation 21:7)

“So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.'” (Genesis 32:30)

Please pray for us as we mourn the loss of this little saint. Pray that we would love on our three living children even through pain and sorrow. Pray that we would mourn as those who have hope in the grace and faithfulness of our Lord Jesus Christ. Pray that we would flee from the temptations to doubt or to let bitterness or anger invade our hearts. Pray that God would grant beauty from ashes, and would take joy in raising our hearts from depths of sadness and would plant our feet firmly on the high places, according to His loving kindness.

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.”

(Habakkuk 3:17-19)

May God grant His peace and love in abundance. May He be glorified, even through pain, sorrow, and death.

Steven, Melissa, Gabriel, Asher, Evangeline
Covenant, Glory, Promise, Peace, Mercy, Victory, Hosanna, and Heritage

January 28, 2014January 29, 2014

Thrown back into the valley

We have been walking on the mountaintops of LIFE. Blessed beyond description by the gift of living children, by renewed dreams, by bigger hopes… and suddenly we are dashed from the bliss on the sunny mountaintop and thrown back into the valley of the shadow of death.

Our eighth miscarriage… but not one we exactly expected. You’d think that after seven already, we would simply have expected it. But we didn’t. My OB said, after he did the ultrasound that showed no heartbeat, “are you just totally surprised?” And I said yes and wept. He said, “did I give you false hope? I hadn’t meant to; I’ve been concerned from the start.” I said, “no you didn’t; I had wished you had! I just know that God is bigger than pregnancy complications, bigger than a too-small-sac, bigger even than possible genetic problems. We’ve been praying, and hundreds of other people are praying for our baby; and I know that He COULD have preserved this baby for us here on earth. And somehow I guess I somehow came today actually thinking he WOULD.” And that pretty much sums it up.

We were sent to the hospital an hour later for a more thorough ultrasound, where the most compassionate tech (I’m so thankful God put us in her path yesterday) gave us some really nice views of our little baby, pointed out those precious arms and legs and eye pits. Printed some pictures for us, too. I am so thankful to have pictures of our beautiful baby.

When we finally came home, Gabriel came and hugged us and asked “how’s the baby doing today?” When I started crying, he started crying and said, “is the baby okay? is the baby’s heart beating okay?” Telling him, and holding him while he wept, and grieving and talking together with him… I think that is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it’s one of those continuing things: he is continuing to cry, talk about it, ask questions.

Last night, my boys ran in to say goodnight to me: Gabriel kissed me, then kissed my belly and said, “Baby, I love you, and I’ll see you in heaven!” and Asher rubbed my belly saying “bye bye baby, love you” blew a kiss, and they both ran upstairs. Looking at the living miracles I have and realizing (not that I ever forgot) that THAT is what I wanted for my Little Leven. I would never take the glorious choirs of heaven from Leven, but oh… how sad I am that those glorious choirs get to be with the baby rather than me. :tears:

It has been over three years; we were in a different house, and I was confident that we left all those skeletons in the closets there… and all our dreams about this house not being tainted with this horrible thing came crashing down yesterday. So many “little things” that have grown into big dreams and almost monuments (not in a bad way, but in a Joshua 4 kind of way) of sorts in my heart are suddenly broken. It’s like starting all over again at ground zero. Those dreams that I used to think were unreachable (like having stairsteps; having 3 under 3; maybe even that dream of having 2 boys and 2 girls) suddenly felt touchable… and then it’s like I touched the bubble and it POPPED. And it’s almost more horrible than it was before I thought I could touch it. Back when I KNEW it was unreachable. Before I had felt like I COULD reach it.

Suddenly, we are told to make decisions about what to do… and things I honestly didn’t expect to face again are staring at me, waiting for me to make the call…

I know we’ve been this broken before. But at the moment, it’s hard to remember that. I know I’ve survived this by God’s grace numerous times before. But today… just for now… I feel like the world is over for the very first time. :tears:

Why did God throw me back into the valley of the shadow of death?
Dancing on the mountaintops was so blissfully beautiful.

January 27, 2014

valley of tears

“I don’t see how any degree of faith can exclude the dismay, since Christ’s faith did not save Him from dismay in Gethsemane. We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us: we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

~C. S. Lewis~

“Could we hear our children speaking to us out of heaven, they would say, ‘Weep not for us who are happy; we lie upon a soft pillow, even in the bosom of Christ. The Prince of Peace is embracing us and kissing us with the kisses of His lips. Be not troubled at our preferment…. You are in the valley of tears, but we are on the mountain of spices. We have gotten to our harbor, but you are still tossing on the waves of inconsistency.’”

~Thomas Watson~

January 23, 2014January 29, 2014

What is “His best”?

I have an honest confession that I need to make, but it is very difficult to make this confession publicly. I feel like I should be stronger than I am, or at least more joyful even if weak. But the true confession is that I am really struggling to cope and function on the most basic levels, and not give in to overwhelming anxiety. I am now pretty much past all seven of my past miscarriage marker dates (with the exception of one that was a missed miscarriage, and while it took my body a while to actually miscarry, her development had stopped by now)… but because the problems we are facing this time are totally unrelated to my immunological problems that caused all seven of my previous miscarriages, I feel like I am in frightening territory that is completely new, unfamiliar, unknown… and it is so terrifying.

My plethora of medications, thanks be to God, are once again controlling my immunological problems and protecting this baby, allowing my body to nurture him/her! I am SO grateful for that. It makes every pill, every injection, every past hiccup and mountain totally worthwhile. Praise to God alone for providing these things!!

But that does not help with the problem this baby is facing: that of seeming to be outgrowing the gestational sac. I had never even heard of that before, and now I’m too afraid to “research” it online because knowing the level of risk just wouldn’t really help my coping right now.
I’m trying to take it easy, as limited activity was suggested as “it couldn’t hurt and might help.”
I’m also drinking at least a gallon of water a day, again suggested along similar lines; I guess thinking that if my body is super hydrated, maybe the baby would get more amniotic fluid and maybe the sac would grow better…?

It is such a helpless feeling, especially as a mother: to know that I am doing everything I can, yet still feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do.

One thing is for sure: I do NOT know how anyone could cope with such situations without resting in Christ and His sovereignty.

So we are thankful that we are His. We are thankful that this baby is His, and only lent to us. We are thankful that we know with certainty that Little ‘Leven’s days are already numbered, and that the Creator of all things and Sustainer of all creation is the One who not only created but sustains this darling baby.

I definitely find myself living and breathing that C.S. Lewis quote,

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

May God sustain us, and may He grant me the ability to cope little by little because of His great grace, so that I can follow Him with faith and continue doing what He has called me to do as the mother of this beloved child.

This morning as I read a daily devotional snippet by Nancy Guthrie, the Lord spoke to me right where I need a continual reminder today, and I am so thankful that even little things like this can be exhorting even while I sit here trembling, crying, wondering what the future holds:

Joshua 1:9
This is my command ~ be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Walking through life with Me does not mean that there is never any struggle, or that you will never face opposition or difficulty. It means that you can encounter whatever comes without being crippled by fear or depleted by discouragement. Instead, you can know a strength and courage that comes from your settled confidence that I am with you. I am out in front of you, leading you into the abundant life I have promised to give you. I am beside you, speaking words of encouragement and instruction, pointing out potential dangers. I am in you, filling you with My power and conforming you into the image of My dear Son. When I tell you I am with you, I do not mean I am present in a general sense, but in a personal sense. You have My attention and affection. Wherever you go, you can reach out and find Me right beside you.

January 22, 2014

Our kids with us

“Godly parenting is a function of becoming more like Jesus in the presence of little ones,
who are also in the process of becoming more like Jesus.”
~Pastor Douglas Wilson, here

“One way you might think of parenting is like the disciple Andrew who first heard the call
to “come and see” Jesus (Jn. 1:39),
who then found his brother Simon and told him,
“We have found the Messiah” (Jn. 1:41).
Our task as parents is to be constantly inviting our kids to come with us,
to “come and see” Jesus, the Messiah, the Holy One of Israel, our Redeemer.”
~Pastor Toby Sumpter, here

Today as each of my four living olive plants require different things of me, I am seeking to hold their hands (well, three sets of hands… one of them is hidden in the womb, whose hands I do not want to reach for another seven months!) and walk together in the path of righteousness.

May God grant me the grace and wisdom to do this with patience and delighted joy!!

January 20, 2014January 29, 2014

We continue to call on God

For today, the Lord has mercifully granted us the gift of continued life ~ glory be to Him!

And so, while the worries are not dissipated completely for the future (our doctor still seemed very concerned), we are praising the Lord for our growing baby and the strong heartbeat we got to see again today. Thanks be to God! We are also given the gift of continuing to call on God, and beseech from Him the gift of more LIFE. Please pray with us for our beautiful little baby, that God would hear our prayers, along the lines of Jabez:

1 Chronicles 4:10
“Oh, that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my territory,
that Your hand would be with me,
and that You would keep me from evil,
that I may not cause pain!”

May we, as the weeks go on, be privileged to proclaim as Jabez did that “God granted him what he requested.” Amen. Please come before the Father of all mercies and Author of all life with us, to plead with Him for the life of our child! Thank you for sitting with us as we await our good Lord’s pleasure in the days and weeks to come.