Inject

For the first time, today I gave myself a blood thinner injection. It took a bit more guts than I anticipated (I didn’t know I would be a weenie about it!), and I sat there staring at my skin and its proximity to the needle longer than I had expected — but I did it. 🙂 Thanks, sweet husby, for being with me and cheering me on while I stabbed myself in the stomach and winced and read the directions aloud meanwhile. lol.

Thankfully the bruise is much smaller than I anticipated, and as long as I plunged the injection slowly it hurt less than I expected. So those are nice things. That’s my way of looking on the bright side today. 😉

I Love My Country Doctor

And this is what we call a genuine country i.v. pole:

And, lest I forget, that’s also what we call getting an i.v. in style: on a recliner with my husband, watching the Food Network, and sipping a fresh mojito. Let’s be honest: we’ve gotta make the best of all my medical treatments, so we’re trying hard. 🙂

Some Days

There are some days when a girl really needs to buy herself flowers and give herself a pedicure.

Yeppers. Check, check.

Getting Y’all Up-to-Date

I’ve had people asking about our second treatment, so just wanted to update that yes, we did just travel for the second round of the treatment I had three weeks ago. The traveling went pretty well (even though we had to fly through thunderstorms) and we managed to make all our flights, even though we did almost miss one plane and had to run full-speed through an airport to squeak in before they shut the plane’s door. And yes, I survived the flying (including turbulence): I just kept my eyes closed on the planes and sang along to psalms in my head as I listened to Pure Words over and over and over. It kept me sane enough. Yes, the medical treatment went well, and now I am having the proper reaction (eight hives on my arms), so we are praying that my body is reacting internally as it ought to as well. May the Lord be pleased to use this treatment in mighty ways to prepare my body for nurturing children in the future!

So anyway, thank you for the prayers and for asking about all of this. What a blessing to know that we are loved and prayed for by our brethren.

In other news, music camp begins today at our church, so I will be busy accompanying dozens of little saints on the piano now through Saturday. I’m praying for grace and endurance, so that I will be skillful in aiding these children in their pursuit of musical excellence.

And lastly, I’d been asked to post an August photo of my garden… well, it’s August! And the garden is officially jungle-esque. Upon picking produce last evening and trying to pick some weeds (and pulling out the lettuce that had bolted), I realized that I was feeling fairly overwhelmed by my garden. It is, in fact, a rather large project for little ol’ me. I spoke with my father on the phone (asking about how to get rid of the little pests that are trying to eat my produce before I get it harvested!), he reminded me that it is okay to have a few weeds here and there (I am rather perfectionistic about having a perfectly weed-free garden), and that if I somehow can’t manage to keep up with the harvesting, none of us will go hungry & it’s okay to let the peas get too large or to let a squash rot accidentally. It was a good reminder: and I am working now to “let it go” (my perfectionism). But -oh yes- here is your glimpse at my backyard produce jungle. 🙂

And also: these are two rose bushes we received as a gift after Victory died. They are both about to bloom… and the one on the left is called a Victory Rose. I can’t wait until this bud opens!

Very Cherry Fun

This wasn’t my first time picking cherries (it was so fun!)…

But it *was* my first time making cherry lemonade & a cherry pie. 🙂

Country Livin’

Gabriel, enjoying Grandpapa’s hat.

Marking out where we are going to build our house!! This was a big step for us. 🙂

A nice refreshing country dessert I made with this recipe (and freshly picked berries).

Sabbath Rest

This evening my husband commented about how the way we spent our Sabbath today was really a lovely way to have Sabbath rest — after fellowship with people in our church parish, we sat on a delightful porch swing in the quiet countryside watching coyotes and hawks and cows, sipping daiquiris, and just enjoying.

And then I thought to myself: it would really be lovely to spend every Sabbath that way. 🙂

And so I thought dreamily of the future… and, let me tell you, that rarely happens.

It was nice. 😀

Post-Treatment

Thank you so much for the prayers many of you have been uplifting before our Father on our behalf. We are so thankful for that. May God grow our faith and encourage us, even as He is doing, by your support & prayers. God is kind. So thank you all very much!

We had a very smooth trip, and returned back home late Saturday night. I survived the plane flights without too much undue stress (as long as I kept my eyes closed, bounced my knees around, didn’t budge beyond that, and squeezed all the blood out of Steven’s hand!), although the paperback book I was reading (the first book in the 100 Cupboards series) is a bit wrinkly from being sweat-dampened. 😉

My reaction (to the visible eye, as well as what I feel) to the treatment is as it ought to be — so we are thankful for that. A few weeks after I get the second treatment, we will do a blood test to see if my immunological system has reacted as it should. Please, if you think of it, do continue to pray with us that two rounds of this treatment would be effective, make a substantial difference in my immunological system, and prepare my body for carrying/nurturing babies some day in the future.

I’ll leave you with a picture of part of the procedure — the last step; where I was gritting my teeth, hissing through them, and trying hard not to cry or wiggle while I got eight burning injections in my forearms.

Complicated

Today we will get on an airplane to fly over a thousand miles away for a medical treatment. A treatment that I’ve never had before. And I will get again in three more weeks. A treatment that might help solve some of my reproductive immunological problems – but there are zero guarantees.

So today I am trying to cling to hope. This is pretty much our last shot (no pun intended, although it does involve quite a few needles!). And if it doesn’t work… well… let’s just say that I can’t emotionally handle writing out that “what if” just yet. Not here. Not now.

We continue to cry out to our God, to beg for His mercy. For His heavy hand to be lifted from upon us, and for the Great Physician to put gracious, miraculous healing upon my womb.

To You, O LORD, I call;
my Rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if You be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy,
when I cry to You for help,
when I lift up my hands
toward Your most holy sanctuary.

~Psalm 28:1-2~

I don’t write about it as often at the moment — but the stress, agony, pain, and grief continue to rise. While I did not have to suffer PI (Primary Infertility), suffering through SI (Secondary Infertility) is positively devastating. Especially when it involves the death of so many babies. My babies. My sons & my daughters.

We are embarking now on the first step of our newest (and likely, last) medical protocols. It involves strange things. From pills (almost too many to count each day), to iv infusions every 3-4 weeks, to daily (twice daily if I get pregnant) injections in my stomach (thankfully no one sees that part of me but hubby anyway – it will get rather purple and ugly very quickly), to traveling to strange places for strange procedures.

I never imagined it would be this way.

Twenty-six years of dreaming about motherhood — all I ever wanted to be was a mommy, to have little boys and little girls to nurture, love, train, disciple. When I found out that babies aren’t born through a mommy’s belly button, I pretty much thought I had it all figured out. Hah. Little did I know…

For some of us, having babies is so incredibly complicated.

I just want to put this out there, because infertility (PI, SI, loss, & combos thereof) is one of those eggshells subjects that nobody speaks of. It’s actually referred to as ‘coming out of the closet’ when someone admits they suffer from it, because it is that much of a no-no subject. Well, I don’t treat it that way. I can’t. It’s not a secret.

It is my life.