Today we will get on an airplane to fly over a thousand miles away for a medical treatment. A treatment that I’ve never had before. And I will get again in three more weeks. A treatment that might help solve some of my reproductive immunological problems – but there are zero guarantees.

So today I am trying to cling to hope. This is pretty much our last shot (no pun intended, although it does involve quite a few needles!). And if it doesn’t work… well… let’s just say that I can’t emotionally handle writing out that “what if” just yet. Not here. Not now.

We continue to cry out to our God, to beg for His mercy. For His heavy hand to be lifted from upon us, and for the Great Physician to put gracious, miraculous healing upon my womb.

To You, O LORD, I call;
my Rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if You be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy,
when I cry to You for help,
when I lift up my hands
toward Your most holy sanctuary.

~Psalm 28:1-2~

I don’t write about it as often at the moment — but the stress, agony, pain, and grief continue to rise. While I did not have to suffer PI (Primary Infertility), suffering through SI (Secondary Infertility) is positively devastating. Especially when it involves the death of so many babies. My babies. My sons & my daughters.

We are embarking now on the first step of our newest (and likely, last) medical protocols. It involves strange things. From pills (almost too many to count each day), to iv infusions every 3-4 weeks, to daily (twice daily if I get pregnant) injections in my stomach (thankfully no one sees that part of me but hubby anyway – it will get rather purple and ugly very quickly), to traveling to strange places for strange procedures.

I never imagined it would be this way.

Twenty-six years of dreaming about motherhood — all I ever wanted to be was a mommy, to have little boys and little girls to nurture, love, train, disciple. When I found out that babies aren’t born through a mommy’s belly button, I pretty much thought I had it all figured out. Hah. Little did I know…

For some of us, having babies is so incredibly complicated.

I just want to put this out there, because infertility (PI, SI, loss, & combos thereof) is one of those eggshells subjects that nobody speaks of. It’s actually referred to as ‘coming out of the closet’ when someone admits they suffer from it, because it is that much of a no-no subject. Well, I don’t treat it that way. I can’t. It’s not a secret.

It is my life.