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Friday February 5, 2010

I haven’t been keeping up with quite as much reading as I’d love to lately… partly by choice and partly by circumstance… but I’m trying!
Here’s my list — and I’d love to know what you’re reading too!

Just finished:

  • Psalms
  • Down But Not Out by Wayne Mack

Still reading:

  • Proverbs
  • Five Aspects of Woman by Barbara Mouser
  • The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie

Just started:

  • Be Still My Soul by Elisabeth Elliot
  • Hinds’ Feet On High Places by Hannah Hurnard

On the list “next”:

  • A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
  • Waiting On God by Andrew Murray
  • Womanly Dominion by Mark Chanski
  • Mountains Of Spices by Hannah Hurnard

There is a great deal of difference
between an eager man who wants to read a book
and a tired man who wants a book to read.
~G.K. Chesterton
No man can be called friendless
who has God and the companionship of good books.
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
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Wednesday February 3, 2010

O my God

Thou Fairest, greatest, first of all objects,

my heart admires, adores, loves Thee,

for my little vessel is as full as it can be,

and I would pour out all that fullness before Thee

in ceaseless flow.

When I think upon and converse with Thee

Ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,

ten thousand sources of pleasure are insealed,

ten thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,

crowding into every moment of happiness.

I bless Thee for the soul thou hast  created,

for adoring it, sanctifying it,

though it is fixed in barren soil;

for the body Thou hast given me,

for preserving its strength and vigour,

for providing senses to enjoy delights,

for ease and freedom of my limbs,

for hands, eyes, ears that do Thy bidding;

for Thy royal bounty providing my daily support,

for a full table and overflowing cup,

for appetite, taste, sweetness,

for social joys of relatives and friends,

for ability to serve others,

for a heart that feels sorrows and necessities,

for a mind to care for my fellow men,

for opportunities of spreading happiness around,

for loved ones in the joys of heaven,

for my own expectation of seeing Thee clearly.

I love Thee above the powers of language to express,

for what Thou art to Thy creatures.

Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.


~From The Valley of Vision~

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Tuesday February 2, 2010

Today would have been Promise’s due date, and I could have shared newborn photos.
Or today I would have had Peace’s “big ultrasound” pictures to share with you.
But God’s ways are most certainly not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts.

So today I am sharing Mercy’s memory photos with you instead.
This mommy loves my children not one mite less for the fact that I only got a handful of weeks with each of them.





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Monday February 1, 2010

Read this entry of Steven’s, and the excerpts of Mr. Palpant’s prayer.

Some of the sentences that made my chin quiver and my eyes pour out like little salty fountains:

~”We are those who buried another child, though we prayed against it, and though we hoped, and now the dark is very dark and we are often tired in the very center of our being.”
~”Forgive us for wanting to simply get through to the other side of the anguish, unwilling to sit in the desert and let you wash us off and clothe us and be with us. Forgive us for forgetting our great heritage of suffering and the Cross that stands as the sign and purpose of our mortal lives. Forgive us, Father, for hoping our joy would come cheaply.”
~”Forgive us for keeping our suffering to ourselves, for hiding behind a stoic smile, for selfishly wishing we could be only left alone.”

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Friday January 29, 2010

      I am still plugging along with some reading. Not as much as I was before, as I get too easily distracted by my thoughts – and then I end up getting very little out of the reading material, and the pages get too dimpled with salty tears to make it worthwhile. Maybe in another couple of weeks I will get back to books. For now I am mostly sticking with sewing and crafts and movies for distraction. (Yes, I admit that distraction is a great coping mechanism for me right now.)
      But when I feel strong enough for it, I am still delving page by page into The One Year Book of Hope. It is divided up into themes – five devotionals on each theme, along with an intro, closing meditation, and even guidelines for prayer. While it is difficult, it is wonderful. Bittersweet. Stingingly helpful. Accurately poignant.
This week I have been (ironically enough) in the theme of Death.
      The author, Mrs. Guthrie, says of her own deceased baby “…she no longer needed air to breathe. And I wondered if I was going to be able to.” I can 100% identify with that. There are moments when it physically hurts to inhale & exhale because of my grief. My body is both physical and emotional/spiritual. These aspects are tied in a unique way that only God truly understands. When my heart hurts so deeply, sometimes even my body hurts. Normal bodily functions that I normally don’t think about -like breathing- can become painful and laborious.
      Mrs. Guthrie also says, “…I’m reminded how natural death is for everyone and yet how completely unnatural it feels.” Yes. Unnatural. It feels foreign. And yet familiar. What an odd dichotomy.
Here are some quotes that I identify with and appreciate. I am thankful for this book, and thankful for the Word of God which Mrs. Guthrie weaves throughout. I am thankful that the Lord continues to speak to me and open Himself to me during my grief. He is faithful, and He is good, and He is my Father.

On Death:
~…[D]eath is not the end of the story.
~Death will be defeated.
~Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me.
When we are in the fold of God, death is impotent to destroy us. It is depleted of its evil power. The valley where we encounter death is transformed into a place of peaceful comfort; it is in this valley that we are more aware of God’s presence than every before.
~[Of her daughter]: I would like to see her grow. I would like to know her as an adult. But I also know that this life is filled with pain. And I don’t think it is a tragedy that she will have the opportunity to be spared from evil, from the pain of this life, and be in the presence of God. This is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I feel.

On Life:
~I craved the comfort of knowing that… life continues beyond the grave in the presence of God. This confidence was and is the only comfort when you stand at the grave.
~We can turn from God in the lowest moments of life, allowing our offense to alienate us from God until we are out in the cold, devoid of comfort and hope. Or we can turn toward Him, cry out to Him, and place our faith in Him as our sole source for life.
~It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
~I understand the pull and pleasure of drawing up the covers in an endeavor to sleep away the pain that comes with loss.
~…[T]his life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God.
~Every life is valuable because God Himself gives life and breath to everything. [Acts 17:24-25, 27-28]

On the “Whys of Suffering:
~So where is God in our suffering? He is redeeming it.
~[E]xperiencing suffering can build up your faith and force you to go deeper with God, or it can crush your spirit and squash your soul’s longing for God.

On 2 Corinthians 12:7-9:
~There was a time in my life when I read God’s response to Paul in this passage as a dismissive pat on the head. Perhaps because I’d so cheapened the significance of God’s grace. Perhaps because I’d heard similar words spoken in a tone that seemed to dismiss the suffering this promise is applied to. Or perhaps I had not believed that God’s grace is up to the task of addressing some of the suffering I see around me.
~It [God’s grace] will be delivered to you in the form and quantity and timing your circumstances require.
~The grace God provides to you is enough for whatever suffering He allows into your life, not just enough to survive but enough to equip you.

On the Holy Spirit/Comforter:
~Significant suffering leaves us with significant questions.
~We want the truth, not just cliches or religious-sounding pat answers. This is when we need the Holy Spirit like no other time, when we’re facing an uncertain future and trying to make sense of it all.
~God reveals Himself to those who earnestly seek Him.
~I think we expressed trust more out of a desire to trust than a confession of the reality in our souls.
~[W]e felt so guilty that so many people were praying for us so diligently when we were so prayerless–partly because it was so difficult to know how to pray.
~When we are weak-willed and weak-minded, when distress has consumed our energy and emotions, the Holy Spirit helps us.
~And when your life if bumped by difficulty, what will come spilling out will be what fills you–an abundance of the Holy Spirit.

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Tuesday January 26, 2010

Brothers and Sisters,

The last few weeks we have been asking for prayer that Melissa would be able to miscarry safely and naturally, and for comfort in our grief. We wanted to thank you for your prayers. The Lord has allowed the process to finally take place. In one sense this is relieving and in another it is still heartbreaking for us. Please continue praying that the God of peace would give us comfort in our mourning.

We have been grieving the death of another tiny saint these last few weeks. Grieving is never an easy thing. It feels like it gnaws at our very souls. It isn’t something that can just be cheered up. It is a death. Very real. Very poignant. It reveals that this world is still very badly broken. But we do not grieve and mourn like those without hope. We know that Christ has defeated death and one day we will taste it in full, as our tiny baby does now. We now have five very good reasons to hope in the surety of God’s promise of the resurrection. Even so, you can also pray that we would not fall to temptations of despair, unrighteous anger, or doubt.

In our afflictions, we cry out to God to show mercy. We have named this little saint Mercy Kyrie, (“Mercy, O Lord!”). Mercy has joined four older siblings in the ranks of the church triumphant. We are confident of this because God’s promises are sure.

Brothers and sisters, please grieve with us. This tiny saint is your brother or sister in the Lord.

“To You I lift up my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens!
Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He has mercy upon us.
Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us!“
-Psalm 123:1-3

S, M, & G
(and our little ones in heaven: C, G, P, P, & M)

Psalm 25:6

Remember Your mercy, O LORD, and Your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.

 

Daniel 9:17-18

Now therefore, O our God, listen to the prayer of Your servant and to his pleas for mercy,

and for Your own sake, O Lord, make Your face to shine upon Your sanctuary, which is desolate.

O my God, incline Your ear and hear.

Open Your eyes and see our desolations…

For we do not present our pleas before You because of our righteousness,

but because of Your great mercy.

 

Psalm 123:3

Have mercy upon us, O LORD, have mercy upon us,
for we have had more than enough of contempt.

 

Psalm 40:11

As for You, O LORD, You will not restrain Your mercy from me;
Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
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Tuesday January 26, 2010

from Sketches of Home, by Suzanne Clark

“Soft Boy,” p 45

 I love your hands, cloud pugs, pillows. Soft or not, the hands are bossy, going for my hair, nose, ribbon on my blouse—anything they desire the hands grab, to go of course into the mouth with its voracious gums.

 There are also your cheeks, soft as dumplings, dimpling when you laugh. I love your laugh, proceeding first from the eyes, then spreading to your mouth in a grin that seems as big as you are—and on to the belly that shakes as you laugh, fat puppy’s belly, plush toy, marshmallow boy…

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Tuesday January 26, 2010

“Affliction is God striking us,
but only as the goldsmith pounds the gold,
or as the concert pianist hits the keys.”

“If the metal of a blacksmith being hammered into shape had the pain receptors that humans have,
it would not be silent every time the powerful tool crushes it on the anvil.
It would cry out every time.
It would beg to be delivered.
It would be confused.
The fire would would have been an unendurable pain,
and the hypothermia plunge into the cold water have nearly killed it,
but it would still be worked over again by the powerful and knowing blows of the Craftsman.
It may be too much right now to see the pattern you are being conformed to,
but He always works by one.”

~quotes from my friend Roberta, approximately quoting her pastor Douglas Wilson; emphases mine
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Monday January 25, 2010

We have had an incredibly warm winter. In fact,  it feels like we went straight from summer to spring this year, since we were jipped on autumn too. Hm, strange.
But anyway, we finally got another skiff of snow this morning! It was probably only our third or fourth snow this season, and it’s already melting completely away at not even 1pm. So much for that. Will we ever get a sledding day this year?? Hmm, maybe not.
But it was lovely. I miss snow. I wish we’d get more of it. Although my darling husband doesn’t really miss the shoveling escapades we endured last year, lol.

I’ve been waiting for some more snowfall here so I could share these inspired words with you, again from N.D. Wilson’s “Tilt-A-Whirl“:

Snow is so overused. One sentimental, overly structured ice flake might have some value. But God never seems capable of moderation or of understanding the basic concepts behind supply and demand. He constantly devalues His own products. (p 9)

 

We all know that each flake is different and unique, because we’ve all been to preschool. Each one is beautiful, yeah, yeah, we know that too. But how can we possibly value these things when their Maker slings them around like so much trash? Actually, I’ve never seen anyone sling this much trash. Doesn’t He realize that people will curse this tomorrow? That they’ll shovel it and salt it and SUV it into gray slop? Does He know that my daughters are going to roll in it, melting thousands of flakes with their flushed cheeks and tens of thousands with their tongues?

Dogs are going to pee on this stuff in the morning. (p 11)

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Sunday January 24, 2010

Psalm 139:13-17
“For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!”

It is January 24th, and the annual Sunday set aside to mark “Sanctity of Life.” It was January 22nd, 1973, when Roe versus Wade changed American history. Changed it for the worse. What a tragedy! So this Sunday nearest the anniversary of Roe versus Wade is set aside (since its first Presidential Proclamation in 1984 – text) as a time to focus on the beauty, the miracle, the sanctity of life – of every life – no matter how small; and to pray for the nation to realize its folly, to repent of its murderous sin, and to embrace the lives God gives.

Pastor John Piper has a great-looking set of sermons from Sanctity of Life Sundays – take a listen, if you will.

Please beseech the Lord today with Christians around the nation, for the destruction of Planned Parenthood (and similar organizations), for the softening of hardened hearts & the opening of blinded eyes, and for the obliteration of gestational murder (otherwise commonly referred to softly as ‘abortion’).

Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them,
for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Psalm 34:11
Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Matthew 11:25-26
Jesus declared, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was Your gracious will.”